Steven downed another big gulp of his whiskey and coughed at the burn. “And after?” he asked. “It’s been twenty years since high school. What scares you now?”
Paul sighed again and sat down. “You.”
“You think I would kick your ass? Over this?” Steven’s face twisted in pain. “That’s how you see me?”
“No, of course not,” Paul said. “I know I can take you.”
Steven shoved him lightly, but with a smile, which Paul was relieved to see. “Then what?” Steven said.
“I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
Steven’s mouth dropped open again. “Disappoint me?” he squeaked. “My big brother the doctor didn’t want to disappoint me?”
Paul rolled his eyes. “Come on, I’ve always known you looked up to me.”
Steven ducked his head, acknowledging the truth.
“I didn’t want you to look at me any differently,” Paul said. “So, adding everything up — plus Mom and Dad and how they would react — I figured it was safer to keep this stuff to myself. I was — I don’t know.” He took another sip of his drink. “It was cowardly, I know.” He turned to look at his brother. “But then when I told you, you just left like that, and it was like my nightmare came true.” He swallowed hard against the pain that was still fresh and on the surface.
Steven looked down for a moment, then back up at Paul. “You’re not gonna cry, are you? Are you a crier now?”
Paul punched him on the arm and smiled. He could always count on Steven to tease him out of a bad mood.
“I am sorry that I bailed on you like that,” Steven said quietly. “It was a lot to take in, and I just didn’t know what to say.”
Paul nodded and took a deep breath. “I’m still me, you know.” He wasn’t convinced that Steven really understood that, actually.
“Yeah,” Steven said. “Well, sort of. But there’s this big part of you I don’t know anything about. Feels weird.” He looked Paul in the eye. “Thought I knew everything about you.”
Paul cocked his head. “Do you really want to hear about it? About two guys?”
Steven shifted uneasily in his seat. “Um, sure.”
Paul snorted a laugh. “No you don’t, liar.”
“Okay, maybe not. Not yet.” He finished his drink and gestured to Paul with his glass. “But I don’t want you to hide stuff from me, bro.”
“I’ll have to figure out what to filter,” Paul said. “Keeping in mind your squeamishness.”
“You know what works on squeamishness?” Steven said, standing. “More whiskey.” He refilled his glass and topped off Paul’s. They clinked glasses and Steven plopped back down on the sofa.
“How you doin’ there, B?” Paul asked after a few silent sips.
“Still processing,” Steven murmured. “I mean, it’s not like I have anything against gay people. Like Ace, for instance.”
Paul’s heart clenched at the name. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, he’s great. Holly has practically adopted him. So it’s not the fact that you’re gay or anything.”
Paul blew out a breath. “But there’s a thing?”
Steven frowned, still processing. “I’m not sure how to say it.” He paused and stared off into space. “It’s like my world view has been knocked off its base. If I had this big thing about you all wrong, then everything could be wrong, you know?”
“Huh.” Paul frowned. “I never thought of it that way.”
“I don’t know if I used the right words,” Steven said. “It’s a big thing I’m trying to work out. Just need more time to think about it.”
“Not too much more, I hope?” Paul didn’t know if he could handle even another day without his brother still in his life. These last three days were torturously long and empty. Without dinners at Steven’s — and without any Ace anywhere — Paul discovered exactly how little he had in his life.
“Nah,” Steven said. “No more radio silence from me. I really am sorry about that.”
Paul nodded, infinitely relieved at Steven’s growing acceptance. “And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner,” he said. “Maybe this would have been easier if I’d come out in college like everyone else.”
Steven thought about that. “Nope,” he said. “It still would have thrown me. But it would have been better without the years of lying.”
They toasted to that and drank in unison.
“So, this is why you don’t have a date for my wedding?” Steven smirked.
Paul groaned. “Oh man, I will be so glad to stop dodging that question.”
Steven scoffed. “You’re not off the hook yet, brutha. I know at least two bonafide gay guys — well, apart from you, that is.”
Paul gave a panicked start.
“I think I’ll start with Ace,” Steven mused. “He’s a great guy, and he seems more like your type than my realtor. Well, not that I really know what your type is any-”
“Don’t,” Paul interrupted. He couldn’t listen to anything about Ace right now.
Steven frowned. “What? What did I say?”
“There’s kind of a mess there,” Paul grimaced.
“You mean you already –” Steven stopped in realization. “Of course you already — I always figured you for a ladies’ man.” Confusion crossed his face. “What’s the gay version of that, anyway?”
“I’m not up on all the vocab,” Paul muttered.
“Wait,” Steven said, “a mess? There’s a mess?” His face grew comically uncomfortable. “As in — messy?”
Paul shook his head. “I told you you’re not ready for this stuff. This is a job for a fag hag.”
“Ah, I know one of those now,” Steven said triumphantly. “I should call her anyway. Let her know that she was right, as always. She loves hearing that.”
Paul went to the kitchen to gather some snacks as Steven called his fiance. Once alone, he took in a deep, relieved, load-lightening breath. This was like having a fever break — that blessed soaking sweat that drives away the shivering heat of the flu.
But he knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet. He glanced at the calendar on the fridge and saw the Fourth of July circled — when his parents would be in town.
Jack and Helen McDonnell. The next big hurdle. The next round of pain.
But Steven was back now. Those few days were among the worst he’d ever known. He honestly didn’t think telling his parents could possibly hurt worse than when Steven walked out his door.
Now if only Ace —
He ruthlessly killed that thought.
Before he went any further, Paul needed to tell Holly about the whole situation with Ace. He didn’t want to talk about it yet — wasn’t ready to forgive — but there was no way he could keep this from Holly Shipley.
He gathered a bag of chips and some salsa and prepared himself for the upcoming conversation.
Ace wanted to play around? Fine. Paul was done playing.