I stared at her, her face was red, she was angry. Her breath was tagged, showing how furious she was and how difficult it was to keep it under control.
I remembered that we had this conversation once before, how she asked me if I was having fun making Jay sad.
“I just needed to get away from him before I hurt him with my words” I finally confessed.
“Getting away is hurting him” she retorted, but she was mild now.
“I feel like he might stop loving me” I told her, looking down at the plate.
I no longer had any appetite, I had eaten enough and the food felt like a slab of rock in my belly, I wanted to vomit but I was sacred that it was no longer food, it was like concentrate in my belly.
I heard Kylee exhale and sigh afterwards.
“Oh baby…” She said to me as if she was talking to a dying child.
I looked up at the figure approaching, it was Christian. Kaylee followed my line of vision and she shot me an apologetic look when she turned back to me.
“I’m sorry, I could only keep him at bay for such a short time. By now he would have cooled off” she stood up and Christian took his place in her chair.
I tried to remove myself from my body, I tried to overlook the amount of security in dark suits patrolling the place, I tried to overlook the cheering and merry sounds of people enjoying themselves downstairs.
“I’m sorry for coming here. It seems you don’t want me” he said softly.
I looked up to see that instead of angry and furious, he looked beat and deflated, maybe even tired.
“I just came to apologize to you for how I didn’t tell you where I was going and being distant… And I really wanted to tell you that I didn’t sleep with Talia. I would never sleep with any other woman, I promise you my loyalty even before we had started our relationship ”
I wanted to go to him and comfort him. I wanted to curl up on his lap and let him hold me while the wind slaps everything, the table cloth, the side of the ship, including us. But, my tongue was tied.
Sadly, I realised that I wanted to make him pay for going to the restaurant with Talia, whether it was for my own sake or not.
With great shame, I realised that i wanted to see him truly apologetic and hopeless. I wanted him to beg for my forgiveness, and he would be miserable and lost.
Oh god.
“Christian..” I mumbled in a voice that I didn’t even know could belong to me. He came over and hugged me tight, even when I could barely breathe, I didn’t push him away.
I smelt him, he always smelled like something rich and luxurious, something subtle and dominant. I was broken by what had happened between us and I was only seeing it now.
“I’m sorry Jenna. I’m so sorry my love I’m so sorry” Christian sobbed as he held me.
“I forgive you” i whispered in his ears and he still didn’t let me go.
“Thank you, thank you ” he said over and over again.
An eternity later, a yawn escaped my mouth.
“Let’s get you to bed” he said, his voice throaty from all the crying he had done.
“Okay ” I replied, mine raspy and dry as if I was just waking from a coma.
He carried me to a very large bed.
“How come you got a bed this big when people downstairs had tiny little mattresses even they paid a great fortune ” I complained and frowned at the extent of his financial cability and the injustice they were inflicting in other people because of class.
“I would get you a king sized bed any where we go, whether it’s a dessert or a glacier or the sea, I’ll always see fit that you’re comfortable” I listened to his words as I fell asleep.
It was like a promise, like all the other promises he made to me while I fell asleep. Some were outrageous and freaky, like when he promised to keep me from harm even when I know that he would never control the accidents in my life.
I watched him that morning after Harrison and Greene had done what they did, and I remembered thinking how unkind he looked. How cold and vile and evil and ruthless he looked that morning. When I looked into his eyes, there was always emotions swimming behind them, even if it was emptiness and deadness, those were still emotions but when I looked at him that morning, all I saw were irises staring back at me.
This thought led me to a nightmare, where Christian and changed, everyday. From loving and affection to cold and formal. I would become just like any other person to him, he would see me as if I was his receptionist, just giving me a curt nod and when I tried to reach out to him, he sent me a glare and I found myself yelling and crying for the loss, he was no longer my Christian.
“I’m yours forever, I’ll always be yours Jenna” he said soothingly, holding me in a way that his strong hands made me feel safe and untouchable. In the darkness, I knew he watched me and he promised me that it was okay, I believed him and was grateful that it was him.
I drifted back to sleep and when I woke up, it was to the smell of hot chocolate. My eyes scanned the cabin, it was empty.
It’s size looked bigger in daylight that night time. I sat on the bed and looked at the stroller beside the bed, there were different kinds of pastries on it and the cup of chocolate was still releasing steam.
“Did you say she tried to jump out of the window?” I heard Christian asking, he sounded hysteric.
“Yes sir”
“Was there anything to catch her?” He asked, failing to keep the fear out of his voice.
“No sir. Just the water. But, there was a balcony about six feets away, but she would have never made the jump”
I looked into the thin air, I had miscalculated the distance of the balcony because it was so dark and I was in a hurry. I could not stop myself from thinking, what would have happened if they didn’t stop me.
I would be dead, I would hurt everyone that ever knew me, even Larissa would grieve me.