“What is wrong Jenna, I’m not going to repeat myself again, talk to me”
I didn’t want to look at him, I didn’t know how to.
What was actually wrong?
There were lots of things. The guns, the violence, the hitmen.
I heard my phone buzzing from afar, it was an opportunity for me to busy myself. I went to grab my handbag from where it laid and I pulled my phone out.
It was are you alright? What would make you think you’re disgusting? Jeez, call me when you get this text and take care’
She didn’t answer me, was I disgusting, yes or no. Probably the answer was yes.
“I was thinking…” I started saying, I found new courage.
Christian was paying great attention. “I know that you’ve told me about my people pleasing and how much I care about people’s opinion about me but…”
I looked up from the ground to look at him, his face was straight, jaw clenched, eyes hard but he gave away nothing
“But this is just plain wrong, look I went into the kitchen and found the cards your parents sent. How am I supposed to handle it in Budapest knowing that we are having this kind of relationship. The thought is driving me crazy. I’m going to meet your mum and dad, I’m their granddaughter for god’s sake and you’re their son and we are what?”
“One second with Larissa and you’ve suddenly developed the same thought process that you used to have. You’re trying to convince yourself that this is wrong ” he said calmly, he was too calm it made me feel hysterical.
“You’re not thinking clearly Christian, maybe after all it’s just lust, you know?” I said hugging myself, he looked wounded.
The first expeei he made and it tore me apart but by bit.
He laughed bitterly.
“You feel I’m with you because I only want to have sex with you?” He asked, his voice did not fail to carry it’s bitter tone. “That is why you hung up on me in the car, that’s why you wanted to put distance between us, that’s why you hid when I came in. When you were moaning my name this morning did any of that feel wrong to you Jenna”
“Stop, please…” I cried. I was angry at the tears that were blurring my vision but being angry made more tears forge.
“Jenna, I’ve never told any woman that I love her, I say it to you because I do, I don’t have the time or energy to play around. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be here, I show you how much I’m in love you in many ways, if it’s not enough them tell me how I should prove it to you and I would, but don’t say that I am only lusting after you because I can stay locked in a room with you for a year and I wouldn’t touch you”
“I love you too, I do. I’ve never been in love before but I don’t need a psychic to tell me what I’m feeling is love but, my conscience is killing me”
There was silence in the room, the familiar ticking of the upstairs clock was echoing through out the entire living room.
“I don’t want to lose you” he said shakily, he ran both hands through his hair. “I can’t lose you Jenna ”
Gawd, I was in love with this man, when did it happen, when did we dig so deep that we can’t find a way out, we were trapped, the deed had been done, there was no way unlove ourselves.
I sat on the couch and closed my eyes.
I needed extra strength to do this.
“We need to breakup, it feels like the right thing to do. You can take the house and the car, it’s not mine and I can’t keep it. I can resign from Andreas if you want, it’s your modeling agency now, it’s totally understandable if you don’t want me to be there. I think I need a break, I’ll go somewhere maybe… I don’t know, I feel so lost”
Even with closed eyes, the tears doubled, my entire body bwas quivering. There was silence, I expected Christian to say something, anything. I opened my eyes to find that I was alone in the living room.
Where was he?
I stood up wondering if I was mad, was he here at all, or had I lost it.
“Christian?” I called turning around, I didn’t hear the door open or close.
I stood up and walked around the house and finally, I went outside to see him sitting at the back of the house, he was sitting on the stairs.
He turned to look at me and turned around to face the trees.
“You left” I said in bewilderment.
“You weren’t willing to say anything important” he retorted dryly.
My mouth fell open.
“Did you hear anything I said at all?”
“I heard some of it, I left at the part where you were talking about resigning from Andreas”
“It’s not important to you that I asked for a break up?”
He chuckled and turned to me, there was amusement in his eyes and they were glinting with mischief.
“I told you before you agreed to be my girlfriend, there is no way out for you, call it entrapment but I don’t care. I lover you, you love me but you think we can’t be together because Marcellino and Elisa are married, fuck them. We can never separate, the only option from here is to get married”
“I have freewill” I said harshly.
“You can’t break up with me” he said standing up, I moved backwards, this demeanor had totally changed.
There was no longer amusement in his eyes, it was total darkness, that kind that tormented you.
I placed my back against the wall and I was about to turn around and run, but he placed both hands at my side.
“Take it back” he ordered.
I was quiet.
“Take it back Jenna, don’t make me repeat myself or I’ll punish you. Take it back.
“What are you going to do to me” I asked him, raw feat consumed me. For the first time his anger was directed towards me, now I understood why those guys begged when he was angry at them.
I squirmed in front of him.
“I take it back” I coughed out.
“You take what baby?”
“I don’t to break up with you” I said.
“If you ever mention breaking up again when should I do to you?”
My eyes widened in horror.
“You’ll punish me” I said in realisation.
“Good. I’m glad you’ve known”
“Are you hungry, I am… Let’s go and make a dinner together” he said taking my hand and leading me to the kitchen.