“Jayden” I called out softly when my baby didn’t react even after knowing that I had sat into the car. My hand softly caressed his head.
“Yes?” He replied but his voice came out very low which is quite opposite to his real self.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. In anger, I went a bit hard on you. MoMA is sorry, Jayden”
I was expecting him to look up and react, either complain to me about myself or cry but nothing like that happened.
“It’s momma, don’t be sorry” he replied, still looking down.
Today I have hurt him really badly. He is not ready to even look up at me. My heart clenched and I regretted treating him that way. I should have told him with love but the anger and frustration of Ansell leashed out on him.
“I have something for you” I said in a soft voice.
His head finally up. I took out the chocolate which I bought for him last night while returning home. Last night he already had a lot of sweets so I decided to give it to him today but in the morning I forgot.
I extended the chocolate to him, hoping it would rekindle his usual happiness and bring back his radiant smile. However, to my dismay, his expression remained unchanged, sinking my heart in my stomach.
What was happened to him?
He is not his usual self today!
Chocolate and ice cream are his bae. No matter what he always gets happy getting them. It is happening for the first time and he hasn’t gotten excited about it.
His eyes stayed on the chocolate for a second before he finally took it from me but instead of unwrapping it and having it as if it is the last thing left in the world, he kept on his lap, patiently.
The last thing that I could expect from Jayden is patience and at the moment he is looking so calm and patient.
I am unable to see this side of my baby. I want his chirpy, energetic side back.
“Jayden please, momma is really sorry” I said again.
“It’s okay momma” he reassured me, his eyes fixed on the chocolate. “Jayden shouldn’t have accepted those Chocolates from Mr. Hero” he continued, his gaze still downcast. ” He is stranger, not a father ”
The mention of ‘Father’ caught me off guard and my breath caught in my throat.
“Did he say anything like that to you?”
Jayden shook his head, and I heaved a sigh of relief. He had always been honest with me, and I didn’t want to push him further on this issue. He doesn’t care how I would react he always tells me the truth, no matter what.
“Have it. We will buy more from the nearby store” I ruffled his hair, one of the thing which I love to do.
“No, this one is fine” she said again looking down at his lap.
Why is he behaving so cold?
“Is there anything else you want?” I inquired, desperate to understand what was troubling him.
He fell silent. This means he actually wants something.
“Tell me, Jayden, and I will do my best to give it to you. I can’t bear to see you do down. What do you want?”
“Daddy ” he he looked up, his eyes welling with small tears.
His demand left me speechless and my body froze to my place. His next words, through fragmented, were crystal clear in their meaning to me.
“Jayden’s friends have daddy and mommy. Jayden only have mommy. Daddy picks them up brings them chocolates. Why Jayden’s daddy never comes? Where is he?”
It is not for the first time that he is asking about his father and like every other time I am left paralyzed and speechless.
These questions from his side force me to think that is my love not enough for him? What else is there that I am unable to provide him with.
Before I could open my mouth and say anything to console him, I heard a honk from the back which compelled me to start the engine.
The journey went so silent. It was for the first time that any such thing has happened when I am with Jayden. He always likes to tell me about his day when we gets back to home but today he didn’t utter even a single word. I continued to drive in silence, occasionally glancing at him to see if there was breaking my heart to see him like this.
We soon reached the home but his questions were still ringing in my head in a loop.
As I picked up his bags, I opened the door, and Jayden stepped out on his own, still holding onto my finger. However, the lovely, energetic boy who typically rushed inside to explore the house and fill it with his positivity was notably subdued today.
“Welcome back, Jayden. How was your day?” Mom asked him as he saw us.
“It was fine, Granny ” he replied, though the usual excitement was absent from his voice.
My mother quickly picked up on the change in his demeanour, her questioning gaze shifting to me, silently asking what had happened.
“Jayden is hungry” he offered, changing the subject, before could tell her anything.
“Food is ready. Let me change your clothes first” she suggested.
“I will take care of that, Mom” I said, and she nodded.
Jayden remained silent even when I changed his clothes.
“What happened Jayden? I am really so…”;
“It’s ok Moma. You know, Jayden doesn’t like you saying sorry ” he intruptted “Jayden is not angry with you ”
He went out once his clothes were changed. When I walked out I found him having his meal with the hands of granny. He wasn’t sharing his stories of the school and the day, the way he usually do. After finishing his meal he went into the room for afternoon nap.
“What happened to him?” My mom asked as soon as he was inside the room. “Why is he so silent today? He didn’t even have his favourite chocolates even when they were in his hands”
“Because today he wanted something else” I told her.
“What?” She asked me back.
“Father” I sighed. “He wants father”
The tears suddenly started pricking my eyes and soon they blurred my vision. I can’t hold my emotions back in front of my mother. She always read my face.
“Mom, is my love not enough for him? What’s there that I am unable to give him that… That he wants a father as well?’
I looked down not wanting the tears to come out of my eyes. I don’t want to cry in front of my mom.
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your love, Nara. You’re doing an exceptional job raising him. I can see the sacrifices you are making just for him. Believe me, as a single mother, you are doing wonderfully. I couldn’t have imagined raising you and William alone”
Her words were filled with encouragement, but my doubts still. Gnawed at me.
“But there is no fault of Jayden either. It is natural from his side as well”
She sighed.
“He is very small to understand the difference between right and wrong. He is at such age where everything attracts him and he wants to experience them. Before school he never demanded father because he was unaware about it. You love and you were enough for him but in school his friends have both father and mother. Until now you were now when he have seen others fathers with his eyes, he wants a male figure, his father to do all that for him as well. If you think from his perspective he is not wrong”
Closing my eyes I sighed deeply. How am I supposed to tell him that the can never get a father?
I don’t want the smile of my baby to disappear like this.
“I can’t fulfill this wish of his” I said, my eyes closed as I tried to keep my tears at bay.
“Then be ready because this is not for the first time that you have to see this side of Jayden” my eyes flicked to her, “As much as I know, he is mischievous and fun loving child but he is sensitive as well. He has got to know about father and it won’t be late until he fully understand the meaning of that relationship. The more he learns, the more questions he will have for you. If you can’t answer them, there is a risk he may withdraw, cut off from you, become silent, and stop sharing or asking anything from you” my mother said in a breath.
“Than what should I do, mom?” I asked her.
“Move on” she replied in two words.
“Huh?”
“You have to move on from your past. No matter how much you try say but I know that you still haven’t moved on from your past. You still miss the old Ansell and regrets why all that happened your relationship. From the teenage you only imagined him as your life partner but now you couldn’t accept him in any case because of the things he did to you. Your brain and your heart are clashing. You are left hanging in between. You need to break free from that, move on, look around you, and find someone who can support you and Jayden ”
Her palm gently rested over mine. She has asked me to find someone and settle down before as well.
“Nara you have your whole life ahead of you. You may not realise it now but in the future you will feel lonely. Your father left us when you two became independent. I have you, Mia, William and Jayden around me still I feel lonely at times. I complain him for leaving me in the middle. We could not stay with you forever. When Jayden will grow up, he will also have his own life. Find someone for yourself, Nara ”
I couldn’t help but shake my head and look down. My past experiences had left me with deep wounds and a difficulty in trusting anyone.
“If not for you, then for Jayden” she implored before standing up and gently squeezing my shoulder. “Take your time and think about it, Nara”
She left me with her words, giving me the space to reflect on the possibility of moving forward for my own sake and for Jayden’s future.
I don’t want anyone in my life and I could leave it alone because this is my decision but what about Jayden? He really wants a father and because of my decision he would have to suffer.
I was so confused at the moment that I couldn’t think of anything. At the moment the only person I wanted was Jayden.
Standing up I made my way to the room to find Jayden sleeping with his favourite stuff toy. It is the same which Ansell gifted me on one of my birthday.
While shifting it came with my stuff. I decided to throw it away but could never muster enough courage. Days after days passed thinking that I would throw it the other day. When Jayden turned one and he saw this stuff toy, it became his favourite. He always sleep cuddling it especially when he is sad.
I lay down beside him and gently caressed his head. I just can’t see my baby so silent like this. I would have to do something to bring back his smile.