Emily stopped herself. She took a deep breath. She realized she’d dropped my hand and she grabbed it again. Holding it close to her bare belly.
“After it was over, walking home, I felt awful,” Emily said, “None of it was like I imagined. His dick was actually kind of small and it tasted wrong, like he hadn’t washed it in a while. But the worst part was, there was no connection. I might as well have sucked off a mannequin for all that it mattered. In the end, Derek was only a stranger; I didn’t care about him.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. I felt like I needed to say something, and it was the only phrase that came to mind. Emily continued her story.
“I showered, like, six times that night. Trying to make it all go away. I thought about Derek bragging to his friends about how he’d gotten a BJ from some horny geek. I pictured running into him on campus again and being horribly embarrassed. All of it was a mess and I wished I’d never done it.”
I extricated my hand from Emily’s grasp and pulled her close, hugging her tight. Emily let me hold her, then settled back into the cushions.
“And most of the time that’s how I remember it,” Emily said, “As this stupid mistake that I’d regret for the rest of my life. But every now and then, I think about the thrill beforehand. The power I felt right before it happened. I guess that’s how Cassie feels all the time. I envy her something awful.”
For a second, I thought about telling Emily that wasn’t the case — that, actually, Cassie was as insecure as Emily. Maybe moreso in some ways. But it felt like betraying the blonde woman’s trust. So, instead, I nodded noncommittally.
“When you started talking about having kids, I don’t know, it all flooded back to me,” Emily said, “Like my life was instantly over and I’d missed out on actually living it. I told you about my mom. She handed her whole life over to us kids and I promised myself I’d never do that. But here we are.”
“It’s not…” I started, but Emily shushed me. Being told to be quiet was a new experience for me.
“I love what we have together,” Emily said, “I truly do. I don’t want to lose that. Ever. But thinking about making a family made me feel wasted. Used up. Like I was ending my life as an individual being.”
“It’s not the end,” I said, “Just a new chapter.”
“Rationally, I know that. Emotionally? It’s not the same.”
“I get that,” I said, “I want you to be happy.”
“I know. Everything that’s happened on this trip has been…” Emily waved her hand, like that could encompass all she felt.
“You’ve seemed like you’re enjoying it,” I said, “Sometimes.”
“Sometimes,” Emily said, “Sometimes it’s been amazing. Getting to be this other person — this wild, uninhibited woman — is wonderful in a lot of ways. Like living out a fantasy. But it’s also been awful. Scary. Is this what we are now? Is this who I am?”
“You can be who you want to be,” I said.
“I don’t even know who that is anymore,” Emily said, “I’m scared I’m losing myself. Losing you.”
I saw a tear well in her eye. It slipped down her cheek. She sniffled and brushed it away.
“I don’t regret what I did,” Emily said, forcing her voice to stay steady. “What I’ve done. But at the same time.”
“We can stop it,” I said, “Right now. We’ll tell them we don’t want to do it anymore. Just go to the park you and me if you’d like.”
“No, it’s OK,” Emily said, “One more day. I’m not ready to let go of it. Not yet.”
I nodded my head. Part of me was disappointed to hear her say that. Another part, a greedy part I would never acknowledge, was relieved. I guess I wasn’t ready to end our escapades either.
“But when we get home,” Emily said. She took my hand and put it on her heart. “When all this ends? I’m going off birth control.”
For a moment, I was confused. Then, suddenly, I understood what Emily was saying. I couldn’t stop myself from beaming. Now my eyes were the ones welling with tears.
“Really?”
“Let’s make a family, Paul,” Emily said, “You and me.”
“I’d like that very much,” I said.
Emily hugged me tight and both of us wept. Holding each other half-dressed on the couch in the middle of a bungalow where we’d been having wild sex for days. Like it was the most romantic, wholesome thing in the world.
Emily separated herself and straightened.
“So,” I said, “A little more fun.”
“One more day,” Emily said, “Then we go home and start something new. Together.”
“That sounds wonderful.”
*
“This is a disaster,” Allison said. All six of us nodded in agreement.
We were standing in the center of the courtyard in front of Cinderella Castle. The white and blue spires loomed over us, almost sparkling in the summer sun. Bright, happy music blared.
It was the archetypal ‘Disney’ moment that you see in promotions for the park. But we were having anything but a magical day. Everything had started out so well, all of us in happy alignment. Now, it seemed, we couldn’t agree on anything at all.
Back at the Poly, after Emily and I had concluded our conversation, we’d collected the rest of the group. Everyone had found themselves passed out somewhere, and no one was completely confident about how they’d ended up where they were. We were drunk on hormones, high on adrenaline, yet no one thought that maybe we were out of control.
Emily and I were dressed, somewhat, but the rest of the group was completely naked. I couldn’t help but stare at Cassie’s naked form, her large breasts and golden blonde hair. But I also couldn’t keep my eyes off of Allison, so tall and lithe with her small, pert boobs and poker-straight, strawberry-blonde hair.