Teruko climbed into my lap and laid her head in the crook of my neck, her arms like a vice around my neck as she cried silently. I tried to make sense of all this, to try and make things match-up and come out even, but even in the extremity of my shock and disorientation, I couldn’t help but be hotly aware of how beautiful a girl I was holding on my lap, and I suddenly realised just how it might have been for them. For me, no time had passed, I had lost six months, but they hadn’t, they’d had to wait for me, perhaps waiting for me to die, and yet mum, and Teruko, especially, had never given up, they’d waited and hoped and now I was back. Perhaps I should wait to find out what came next; right now my mum and Teruko were crying, they needed me, and I needed them if I was ever going to get past the shocks of the last few minutes.
Something she’d said was troubling me…
“Mum, you said I woke up two weeks ago; what have I been doing, where have I been since then?”
Mum smiled at me through her tears, her fingers warm against my cheek.
“You didn’t exactly ‘wake-up’, it was a lot slower than that; it took several weeks, first your eyes opened, then they started moving, vague and unfocussed, to be sure, but it was a sign that things were returning to normal with you, then your arms and hands. The hospital said the biggest breakthrough was when Teruko woke up one morning to find you’d turned over in the night and were lying on your side.”
“When you were fully awake they kept you in hospital while they ran their tests; you only came out a couple of days ago. Your specialist at the hospital warned us that what was likely to happen after you woke up would be that you would enter what he called a ‘fugue’ state; I didn’t really understand, but he told me one of the characteristics is sudden unplanned travelling or wandering off, which is why Teruko stayed by your side twenty-four hours a day. Mr. Hunter also said that the fugue would pass, but it could be days, weeks, or even months, but when it did pass, there was usually no memory of anything that took place while you were in that state. I suppose you’ve come out of the fugue now, but we still need to get you to the Royal Shrewsbury in the morning; you really frightened us this evening!”
Teruko loosened her hold on my neck and kissed me lightly on the cheek.
“Please to forgive, Jakku-san, I am sorry, please forgive me!”
I stroked her hair as I held her tightly against me, brushing her hair out of her eyes as I looked into them..
“What is there to forgive, Imoto?”I asked, watching the tears gather again.
“When you… when you in hospital, I wait and hope and pray, I beg the ancestors, make offering to the gods to help you, bring you back. Every day I ask, every day they not help, they not bring you back, I stop hoping, and I give up, I pray that you go, so I can follow you. I give up, Jakku san, I lose hope and wait for you to die, I am sorry!”
She was crying now, hot tears streaming down her cheeks, tears I tried to wipe away, but I was shaken by her confession, that she’d lost hope and planned to follow me when I died, and I hugged her fiercely, feeling her soft yielding body mould against mine.
“You would do that, little sister?” I whispered in her ear.
“My life for you, Onii-san, only for you, cannot live without you!” she replied, her arms tightening around me again as she hugged herself even closer, her lip still quivering.
Mum straightened up and brushed my cheek with her fingertips.
“Jack, darling, I know you’re feeling confused right now, and you have every reason to be, but you’re home now, and I want you to stay for a while; will you do that? You need to have someone look after you for a while, someone who can answer your questions, and you need to recuperate. Teruko’s been doing an incredible job, you’ll never know what she went through, but she’s close to the edge herself, she was too young to take on so much, and she’s almost worn-out; she needs some proper rest and care before she has a breakdown. Before all this you originally planned on going back after Christmas, but I really think you should wait until after the New Year. Will you do that for me? Will you stay and let me look after you? Please?”
She had tears in her eyes when she finished, and I could only do one thing when she put it like that.
“I’d like that, mum, I really would, and thank you; it will be nice to be home again for Christmas!”
Inside I was still reeling from the shock; half a year, gone, it made no sense; for me June was yesterday, and suddenly I’d stepped through a door from summer into the deep mid-winter, the calendar in my head spinning crazily as it tried to account for the lost time. I needed to sleep on this, I wanted to think, but most of all I wanted to find that magic door back into summer, before all this weird nightmare ever happened…
“Mum, what about my job, do I still have one, what am I going to do?”
She smiled gently.
“It’s okay, Jack, you’re on Sick-Leave, you have been since you were first injured. General Sullivan has been in constant contact with me, so he’s fully up to speed on developments, you saw him this morning, but of course you don’t remember that, do you? As far he’s concerned, you’re no earthly use to him or yourself until you’ve rested and recuperated fully, so you’re on the sick list for the next few months, on full pay, of course; there are still some benefits to being a Civil Servant!”
I felt quite indignant.
“I feel fine, how can they put me in dry-dock like that, I have rights…!”
Mum held up her hand to silence me.
“Darling, look in the mirror, please…”
Puzzled, I did as she asked, pulling the cover off her dressing mirror, and reeling back in shock; who the hell was that? Not me, surely! I looked again, and the gaunt figure in the mirror aped my movements, his eyes deep-set and ringed with dark circles, his cheekbones standing out in high-relief, his cheeks sunken and pale, and deep hollows at the temples making his face look harsh and angular.
I was shocked and appalled at my appearance; I’d lost so much weight I could barely recognise myself, I looked like I’d just come off a radical crash-diet, or something that lived in a crypt and only came out at night; my skin looked dry and sallow, my hands were like skeletal claws, the tendons in my neck were taut and clearly visible, and my hair was lank and lifeless. Teruko slowly pulled me away from my horrified study of myself, slipping the cover back over the mirror; now I really believed mum’s story, now it all seemed real; no wonder none of my clothes fitted!
“You not need mirror, you still my Jakku san, eyes not changed, still beautiful, still Jakku san eyes! Everything else need time only, you are back, and you are well, that is all I need. I help you, mummy help you, all your friends help you, very soon you be OK again, I promise!”
Mum and Teruko led me back downstairs, where my food was waiting for me, almost forgotten in the shock of discovering what had happened to me. Mum’s Cottage Pie was as savoury and delicious as it had always been, and I stuffed unashamedly, mum filling plate after plate as I wolfed it down; I was owed this, I rationalised; after having been fed God knows what for six months in the hospital, mum’s cooking was a joy and a feast for the senses!
As I ate, mum filled me in on what had been happening while I was busy being comatose; she told me about Harry and his unflagging faith that I’d pull through somehow, of grandad and his distress and despair, tugging yet another string in my heart, of Teruko’s months-long vigil by my bedside, heartbroken, but undefeated, that small spark of faith and optimism guttering low but never quite extinguishing, keeping her there by my bedside even as hope languished and despair crept in. I looked at her, unable to believe how lucky I was to have her for my own, Teruko turning away and blushing as she saw my thoughts in my eyes.
Eventually I’d had enough, mum and Teruko grinning as I finally pushed my plate away, stuffed to the gills and satisfied in a way that I couldn’t remember being for a very long time. Teruko stroked my face as I finished eating.
“It good to see you eat well again, I have missed you do that, I never thought I see again! It is good you eat well now, Jakku san, you must put weight back on, you must exercise, but not now, gradually, little by little. Headmaster at school say you can use gymnasium there if you wish, he is happy to hear you getting better, all school send good wishes for you!”
While Teruko and I talked, mother had poked the fire back up in the living room, and now she beckoned us through, a single table lamp and the fire filling the room with a soft golden glow. I plumped down on the couch in front of the fire, Teruko taking up her usual place huddled against me, her feet tucked up under her and her arm through mine. We sat there companiably, mum smiling happily as we talked in low voices about what came next, our immediate plans, such as they were, and how we were going to celebrate Christmas, normal, family things, no more trauma and weirdness, well no more than usual, given the history of my family…
Finally, mum yawned for the last time and stood up, wrapping her robe tightly about herself.
“Kids, I’m going up; I can barely keep my eyes open, don’t forget to put the fire-guard on when you go to bed. Goodnight, darlings!”