“How could you let this happen?!” Kathy glared at me through squinted eyes
“I didn’t let anything happen.” I said, maybe a little too calmly and slowly.
“The hell you didn’t! You let her join the army-”
“Marines” I corrected her automatically.
“Whatever.” she hissed. “Same difference.”
‘Don’t let them hear you say that!’ I thought, wisely not saying it.
“I don’t care if they hear me!”
Oops. Guess I did say it out loud. Told you I was tired. I was about to force myself into the argument when a moan from Zoe grabbed my attention.
“I’m talking to-” Kathy tried to refocus me onto her.
“Shhhhh!” I shushed her. “I think Zoe’s waking up.”
We both huddled beside her, watching and listening intently.
“mom?” we heard her say weakly.
“I’m here.”
“shut up.”
For the first time since this started, my tears were tears of laughter.
****
The following weeks were some of the most stressful and exhausting of my life, and I cannot imagine how Zoe handled it as well as she did. The silver lining to this hurricane storm cloud was that she was not paralyzed. She was, however, severely weakened. I only somewhat understood or still understand what happened to her spine. The doctors tried to explain it, but there was much I didn’t comprehend.
In addition to explosive and shrapnel damage, she was thrown from the vehicle which caused damage to the C6 area of her spine. The nerves weren’t completely severed, but there was some major “signal loss” in that area. The doctors tried to explain it as a garden hose that had a kink in it. The end result is that she had some limited motor control, but had no strength or stamina when it came to moving her arms or leg. If she tried really hard she could crack an egg in her hand, but it wore her out.
Kathy left soon after the news was delivered. She said she had work to deal with (as well Zoe’s apparent dismissal of her), but I truly believe she was too disturbed by seeing Zoe’s injuries. Both Michael and Adam came to visit as well. They stayed for a couple of days each, but there really wasn’t much they could do. It was the thought that counts.
Zoe’s attitude during all this was a lot more upbeat than I would have thought. She was joking with me, with the nurses, and even with her brothers. Even her therapists were surprised by this, though still worried that she was repressing something. Zoe just waved them off saying that she would just have to make the best of a bad situation. The only thing she kept asking was “When can I go home?”
After a couple of weeks of her insistently asking, the doctors agreed to move her to a VA hospital near our home. A few short days later, we boarded a medical plane and were soon being whisked home. Of course, that didn’t mean she came home immediately. The doctors told us she would be in the hospital for a little over two additional months as they monitored her progress through her physical therapy. This gave me time to get some work done on the house.
Being an architect, I had more than a couple of friends in the construction industry. After a couple of calls, I was able to get them working on the constructions of the plans I had spent the last week working on. Approvals were fast tracked; it’s good to have friends in high places. The plans completely renovated her bedroom, expanding it into one of her brother’s old rooms and creating her own private bathroom. Additional supports were added for rails and any equipment she may need. Doorways were widened to accommodate her wheelchair and ramps were installed on the handful of steps around the house.
As the renovation of the house continued, Zoe’s therapy progressed. As her release date neared, she was able to stand with support for a minute. While walking wasn’t possible, doctors were hopeful of it happening “one day” with a prosthesis.
By the time the doctors cleared Zoe to come home, the workers were finishing the renovations. She had asked that there not be any celebration or parade or anything. She just wanted a nice, quiet ride home where she could rest and enjoy not being in a hospital any more. The whole ride home, she just stared out the window, absently watching the landscape blur past. I tried to engage her in a conversation, but she just answered in short answers while still looking out the window. In the end, I just let her be and drove home.
Zoe’s benefits included in-home assistance, and the nurse assistant was waiting for us when we pulled into the driveway. She helped Zoe out of the car and into her chair. Zoe looked over at me, taking a deep breath of the fresh air.
“Now I’m home.” she smiled as we went inside.
****
The next couple of months went pretty much as expected. Zoe worked on her physical therapy with the nurse while I attempted to return to my previous day to day activities. Jamie, the nurse, was very professional and friendly, but mostly kept to herself. We would exchange pleasantries and have conversations regarding Zoe’s progress, but nothing in depth or personal. Even with my semi-sabbatical, my business had grown more than I thought possible. I decided to bring on two junior architects who took on the smaller jobs that my company handled. That left me time to work on the projects I wanted instead of what I needed to keep the lights on.
Things were going good.
Which should have been my first warning sign.
It was a Friday afternoon when I pulled into the driveway and saw Jamie get into her car. She saw me and gave a sympathetic shrug and held out her hands as if saying “nothing I can do, sorry.” This worried me.
I went inside to hear Zoe unleashing a torrent of anger at the phone.
“What form?! We’ve filled out dozens of forms, how did we miss one?! Well what the hell am I supposed to do now? Okay, well how long will it take after that? WHAT?! Three months?! I’m kinda dependent on this you know? Is there anything else-. Fine, fine. Yeah, thanks.”
I stepped across the threshold of her room, knocking gently as I did.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I’m fucked, that’s what’s going on.” she said bitterly.
“What happened? I heard something about a form we missed?”
“Yeah. Some kind of continuing benefits-slash-need form. Something that apparently needs to be filled out quarterly and something that wasn’t in any of the instructions or ever even mentioned!”
I let that sink in for a moment. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh. As in ‘Oh shit, how am I going to survive without Jamie to help me do any God damn fucking thing I can’t do myself!?” her voice started breaking as the sobs started choking her.
I rushed to her side and hugged her close to me. I held her until she finally lifted her head and slowly wiped her tears on my shirt.
“Okay.” she sniffed, “So what can we do in the meantime? How do we manage?”
That was the Zoe I knew. Recover from bad news and look for a solution.
“How much would a live in nurse cost?”
“About 3 grand.”
“Well, that’s not too ba-”
“A week.”
“Oh. Maybe your mother coul-”
“Seriously?” she asked incredulously. “Mom hasn’t visited once during this time, what makes you think she’ll stay for three months to re-live those baby days but for an adult?”
“Right.” I nodded slowly.
“Dad? I really hate to ask this, but I don’t see any other option.”
“Me? Oh, I don’t know about that, hon.”
“I know, but I don’t see any other choice right now. I’ll be okay with it. Besides, you managed before.”
“Are you sure? I mean, things are a little different now.” I gestured to her now adult body.
” I can’t go back and live in that hospital while we wait. I just can’t. So if you have an alternative, I’m all ears.”
I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “Not at the moment.”
“Okay, because I REALLY have to pee.”
Zoe slowly moved to the edge of the bed so she should brace and steady herself to be helped into her wheelchair. I had watched Jamie do this several times before and knew what to do.
“Ready?” I asked as I slipped my hands under her arms.
“Yep.”
As I mentioned before, Zoe wasn’t big by any stretch of the imagination. The last several months had been hard on her and any muscle she had gained in the Marines was slowly vanishing. So when I lifted to move her into her chair, I was as surprised as she was that I was able to pick her up completely. We were both so completely surprised that we both stumbled. I had to almost toss her back onto the bed to keep from falling.
“Woah!” she said, smiling at me. “That’s different.”
“Sorry.” I apologized. “Didn’t mean to fling you about.”
“That’s okay, this may be quicker. Just wanna carry me to the bathroom instead?”
Shrugging, I put one arm under her leg and another behind her back while she wrapped her left arm around my neck. With a quick motion, I pulled and lifted Zoe from the bed and into my arms.
“I could get used to this.” She giggled as I carried her into the bathroom. I was thankful that I had put in wide doorways so I was able to easily enter without contortions or bumping into the wall. I did, though, have to roll Zoe towards me a little to make sure her head didn’t thump against the door jam.