We corresponded with Margaret weekly over the next two months. Jess and I would come home from college and immediately check the mail. There was about a three-to-four day turnaround so we never really knew when the letters would arrive. The only thing we did know is that we wanted to make sure we intercepted them before Mom and Dad could get them. There were times we weren’t sure if we should continue writing to her, but we would always give in and respond. The letters didn’t ever really get to the heart of the matter, but we also made sure to keep a lot of personal stuff out of them. Finally, we thought we were on solid enough ground to ask if we could come to visit her. The response letter took longer than usual, but she reluctantly agreed.
We had managed to keep our correspondence with Margaret from Mom and Dad, mainly because we knew they’d be livid for us doing this. We figured it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. So when they went out of town again, something we encouraged them to do as frequently as possible, we made plans to make the trip to Lincoln, Illinois. A week later we were in the car, driving the over two hours to Logan Correctional Center.
It’s a fairly dull drive with the only thing to really look at is endless rows of stalks of corn. As we got closer, Jess reached over and held my hand for support. Logan Correctional is right next door to Lincoln Correctional, making the entire area a high-security choke point with a single access road. Pulling into the cracked paved parking lot, I shut the engine off and we just sat there for a moment, looking at the one-story brick building.
“Are you sure?” I asked one last time.
“We came all this way,” she sounded almost monotone.
“Yeah, but it’s not like it was across the country.”
Jess took a deep breath and gave my hand one last squeeze. She looked over at me and smiled, breaking out of her reverie.
“Normally, I’d give you a huge kiss right now,” I said, squeezing her hand back, “But I’m pretty sure there are cameras all over this place.”
“I appreciate the sentiment anyway.” She looked into my eyes and bit her lower lip. “I love you, Jace. Thank you for doing this.”
“I love you too Jess. Ready?”
“Yeah. Let’s do this.”
We got out of the car and headed for the weekend visitor’s entrance. It was an imposing and oppressive building, even as small as it was. First we had to be subjected to a full pat-down then several minutes of filling out forms. Eventually, we were led into a room with multiple seats and tables. Looking around, I didn’t see any cubicles with glass separation and phones; movies have lied to me again.
Jess sat down, pressing her hand to her abdomen. She looked over at me, giving me a knowing smile. We had made love that morning, and she was reminding herself that my semen was still inside her. Given how frequently we were intimate, I’m pretty sure some of my semen was ALWAYS inside her.
A few moments later, the inner door opened and a guard escorted Margaret in. Her once bright blue and dark back hair had faded and the blonde roots were clearly showing. The piercings she had once sported had also been removed. It was her mood was the most striking change. She didn’t shoot daggers at us this time. Instead, she looked down at the floor and barely made any eye contact. Slowly, she shuffled to our table and flopped into the chair. She sat slumped over, obviously uncertain about what to do.
“Hey,” I said unsure how else to begin.
“Hi,” she said softly. I think this was the first time I had heard her voice. It was softer than I had thought it would be.
We were silent for a moment, both sides scared to make the first steps into deeper conversation. How do you start talking about why someone terrorized and threatened you?
“I guess you’re here for a reason, huh?” Margaret finally said, trying to sound tougher than she looked.
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“But only if you’re ready to talk about it, Margaret,” Jess interjected, trying to soften the moment.
“Ugh.” she winced. “I hate that name.”
“How about Maggie?” I offered.
She smiled for the first time, and I was immediately drawn to her. I had to mentally remind myself who she was and why she was here.
“My therapist says I should talk about it.” she sighed and shrugged. “Kinda like the twelve steps or something I guess. Making amends and whatnot.”
“Okay,” I said, prompting her to continue.
“I’m just not sure where to begin,” she admitted dejectedly.
“At the beginning?” Jess suggested.
“That’d be with my brother.”
We both stiffened involuntarily. He wasn’t someone we liked to think about, but we had agreed that he would probably come up and had tried to prepare ourselves. It’s hard to be ready for it when your nightmare is put immediately in front of you.
“Growing up with my mother and father was… difficult to say the least. Not that that’s any excuse for what’s happened, but it sure didn’t help any. It really fucked both John and me up, even before either of us did any drugs.”
Maggie stopped as she collected her thoughts. After a minute, she continued.
“But I honestly think John had it worse. He was my father’s namesake and the one to ‘Continue The Family Name’, or some bullshit like that. He was the one they were really proud of. The one they pinned all their future plans on. I was just the mistake.”
“Oh, honey.” Jess breathed, obviously upset with Maggie’s take on her family. “You’re not a mistake.”
I guess Jess was a little drawn to her as well.
“Oh, I was.” Maggie continued. “Mother and Father reminded me of that more than once. I was the result of too much drinking during Father’s birthday. They never missed an opportunity to tell me that.”
Jess moved to hold her hand, but stopped, reminding herself that not only was this the person who threatened us but that we weren’t allowed to have contact with the prisoners.
“So anyway, Mother and Father doted so much on John that he thought he was invincible and could do anything. Hell, they let him get away with anything as long as it was private, so why wouldn’t he think that?”
“Did he hurt you?” Jess asked.
“Nothing physical. Just words. From all of them.” she paused for a moment, pushing the memories away. “Anyway, John was the golden child, but Father had really high expectations of him. He got away with a lot of shit but he was expected to keep appearances up. Grades couldn’t slip, had to be in the right clubs, girlfriends had to be the right… type. No parties, no letting loose. No fun. ‘We Must Protect The Family Name.’ Father would always remind us.” She let out a soft chuckle. “If we had a family crest, I’m sure that would’ve been on it.”
“So what happened?” I asked.
“My brother started to snap. It wasn’t all at once, but a little here, a little there. He couldn’t take the pressure. Mother and Father hid it from the rest of the world very well. Private rehabs, councilors, anything he needed to get back to where they wanted him to be. He’d come home and all would be forgiven.” she shook her head. “The only thing he learned from all those places was how to hide it better. He hid it pretty well too until that story about your family’s company came on. I remember Father yelling at me and John about why couldn’t we be more like you two? Why were we not perfect like you?”
“That’s insane!” I said. “We aren’t perfect, and that show didn’t make us look perfect either.”
“You were more than we were.” Maggie shrugged. “At least in Father’s eyes.”
“But we were only twelve at the time. He was six years older than we were.”
“Didn’t matter to Father. He knew what John was like at twelve and he wasn’t like you two.”
“What about you?” Jess asked. “You were, what? Nine? Ten?”
“Ten. Mother and Father tried to make me into the spitting image of you.” she looked at Jess. “Changed all my clothes. Even cut and colored my hair.”
“Jesus.” I breathed. “Sounds like a nightmare.”
“It was. No amount of pleading could change Mother’s or Father’s minds. Then one day, John made the mistake of talking back to Father. You just didn’t do that with him.”
“What happened?” Jess asked, but we both knew the answer.
“Nothing good.” Maggie shook her head, trying to expel the memories. “Afterwards, John became obsessed. He took all the money from the safe and ran away. He left a note, vowing to return only when he had changed and was as good as you two. So Father would be proud.”
“And he couldn’t change.” Jess finished.
“No, he couldn’t. Not like that. So in his twisted mind, if he couldn’t raise himself up to you, you would be brought down to him.”
“We never heard about that,” Jess said.
“You wouldn’t have.” Maggie shook her head. “It was in a letter that we never released. After all, that would look bad on Father and Mother.”
“That must’ve been hard on everyone.”
“Yeah. You’d think that would have opened their eyes or changed something in them after that. Instead, they just doubled down on everything with me. Suddenly I was their second chance, but now everything I did was compared to John. And nothing I did was good enough. If I got an A, they would remind me that John got an A+. I ran fast, John could run faster. Years and years of it,” She said bitterly. “Like John, I turned to drugs, but mainly to try to keep up. To make myself faster. Stay awake longer to study. And finally, when I couldn’t cut it, after years of taking whatever shit I could find, I started doing them to make myself feel better about my shitty life.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes while she collected herself.
“So what changed?” I finally asked.
“When nothing else I did seemed to please them, I decided to do what John couldn’t. And I failed at that too.” She shut her eyes tight and struggled to control her breathing.
We let her compose herself for a few minutes more. Jess reached over and took my hand, squeezing it for reassurance.
“You want to know what the most fucked up thing is?” Maggie asked sniffling.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“After years of being compared to you, I feel closer to you two than I do my own family.”
“Have they said anything about all this?”
Maggie shook her head. “As soon as I was arrested, they disowned me. Father and Mother both told me they didn’t have children anymore. That both of us were dead to them.”
“They haven’t visited you?” Jess asked incredulously.
“No. You’re the first ones to visit me besides the lawyer, and he hardly counts.”
Jess leaned toward Maggie, tears welling up in her eyes.