“How can I be a good man now?! I lusted for my sisters! I wanted to be with you! I wanted you badly!” I said loudly out of frustration. “Have you any idea what it has been like for me since dad past? It has been non-stop work. It has been non-stop stress. I worried every waking moment there was for me. I’m not ready for that kind of shit. So fucking what if I am not a good man?!”
“Jesus Rob…” Kelly groaned as she got up and scooted over to me. She leaned against me and sighed heavily. “I know you’re under a lot of stress. Emma and I know all of it. We see it. We aren’t blind. We aren’t immune to you struggle. I guess seeing you as the next perfect man in our eyes was a pressure that we could have spared you.”
“That would have been easier on me, but it still doesn’t take away the fact that I live that situation.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “It also doesn’t spare me from what I did to Emma.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“What do I do now?”
“I don’t know, Rob. What do you want to do?”
“Forget it all happened.”
Kelly laughed, “I am not sure if that is a realistic option.”
“No, probably not.”
Kelly wrapped her arms around mine and pulled herself close to me. “Listen, I am angry at you. But, that anger is fading. I know what you did with Emma was a mistake. I believe you. I still have those same feelings for you. Now that we know Emma has similar feelings makes this a little more difficult.”
“Agreed.”
“So, what are two fuck-ups like us to do?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know anymore.”
“What was that thing dad used to say?”
I looked down to her, “What thing?”
Kelly smiled, “About fucking up?”
“If you fuck up, make sure it is a colossal fuck up so it was worth it.” I said. “But, that still doesn’t solve the problem at hand, Kelly.”
I turned to look at her just in time to see Kelly launch herself into me. Her lips slammed onto mine with so much force that I felt like my front teeth were going to shatter from the impact. Kelly knocked me flat onto the carpeting of the landing. She kissed furiously. I couldn’t control her. I tried my best to hold her back as she assaulted me with kisses. Her hands roamed about my body. She tugged and almost ripped the clothes off of me.
“Jesus Kelly!” I cried out as I broke away from the onslaught of kisses. “What the hell?”
Kelly sat up slightly, “Emma got to have her fill. I want what Emma got to have.”
“Kelly…”
“No.” she said firmly as she straddled me while I laid there on the carpet. “I want what Emma got.”
I gathered my strength and pushed Kelly off of me. I scrambled to my feet and charged into my room. “You are out of your damned mind!”
I turned to see that Kelly stayed in the hallway. She looked into my room with eyes filled with tears. Frustration and anger coursed through my veins. I turned and kicked my hamper as hard as I could. The plastic shattered as I sent it across my room. My sudden and violent action startled Kelly. She turned and walked quietly to her room. I let out a low groan as I shut my door and collapsed onto my bed and tried my best to sleep.
Sleep never came to me. The sounds of the house were the only things I heard. I didn’t hear Kelly at all. She never left her room after she had walked away from mine. I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling of my room. My heart quickened its pace when I heard Emma come home. She walked about downstairs in the kitchen cleaning the mess Kelly and I had left. I heard her go into the room my mother was in to check on her. Emma’s footsteps up the stairs only made my heart pound harder and harder. A series of things crossed my mind. What was I going to do if she came into my room? What was Kelly going to say to her? What am I going to do?
I peered down at the hallway light that crept into my room from the bottom of my bedroom door and could see a set of shadows cross back and forth slowly. The shadows finally stopped in front of my room. I heard a soft knock that caused my heart to slam into my throat. I remained silent as another knock sounded. The shadows moved away when I kept silent. Emma must have not wanted to disturb me and went to go shower before she went to bed.
*
It was morning. My eyes ached from not getting much sleep. I sat at the edge of my bed and rubbed my forehead. Nothing about the situation I was in was what I had expected. I don’t think there was any man in my place that could have given me the answers that I needed at the moment. I took a deep breath and could smell that Emma was making breakfast as usual. I stepped out of my room and decided to walk downstairs to the kitchen. If anything were to happen, I might as well get it out with now. Whatever the consequences were going to be, I had to face them.
I walked into the kitchen. Emma turned and greeted me with a big smile. I sat down and looked at her. She was glowing. Her face was flushed when I had entered the room. She walked over to me with a plate of eggs and hash. She leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips.
“Good morning.” She said sweetly.
“Good morning.” I managed to say. My gut was churning. I felt sick. I picked up a fork that Emma had set down for me and started to eat my breakfast. After a few bites, I decided I needed to say something. “Emma… about the other night…”
She turned from the sink where she had been washing the pans from making breakfast for me. “Yeah?”
“I just want to apologize for what I did. I know it isn’t an excuse, but I was very drunk. And there was just… I… uh…”
Emma set the soapy pan into the sink, washed off her hands and walked over to me. She sat down in the chair next to mine and took a deep breath. “It’s ok. You don’t have to say any more. Things have been a little crazy ever since dad had passed. I know this. We all know this. I just want you to know, I didn’t mind. I know… I know it is wrong what we did, but it felt right to me. Did it feel right to you?”
I shrugged as I poked the yolk of the egg that she had made for me. “I honestly don’t know what my feelings are anymore.”
“It is ok.” Emma said as she pressed a hand to her chest. “We all have feelings we can’t explain or control. We can take it one step at a time together. I just want you to know that this… all this… the family, the responsibility and the life we all live isn’t just on your shoulders.”
I nodded. I didn’t know what to say. I was a coward.
Emma stood and walked over to continue washing up. “I talked with Kelly this morning before she left.”
My heart wanted to explode.
“I know I shouldn’t tell anyone, but I couldn’t help it. I had to tell her.” Emma said calmly as she washed. “She was shocked to say the least. She sat there and listened to everything I had to say. It wasn’t like her to not say much or not be crude, but she simply said if that is what we wanted then she wasn’t going to stop us.”
“Where did she go?” I asked as I ate a bite of hash.
“I think she was going to the lake to visit with some friends.”
“Oh.”
Emma dried and put away the pans and dishes. She wiped her hands dry and turned to look at me. “I’m going to give mom her meds and make sure she eats before I set up for lunch. I have another late shift tonight, so maybe we can spend the weekend together?”
“Sure.” I said as I watched her walk out of the kitchen. I swallowed the rest of my food, placed the dishes into the sink and left the house. I needed to find Kelly. I drove like a mad man through the small town we lived in. As I pulled up to the parking lot of the lake, I spotted Kelly sitting on a bench by herself. I shoved my car into park and got out.
“Kelly.”
She turned. She rolled her eyes as I got close to her. “What do you want?”
“To talk.”
Kelly sighed, “I did enough talking with Emma this morning.”
I sat down on the bench next to her. “So she told you.”
Kelly nodded. “Like I expected, she is madly in love with you.” She scoffed and shook her head, “I didn’t expect her to feel the way she does. But, then again, she is the picture perfect woman, loyal, gentle, loving and supportive… everything that I am not.”
“Kelly… stop.”
“Why?” Kelly said as she looked to me. Her eyes were red from crying. “Why should I? I’m just the family slut. The little disgrace everyone wanted to hide. I get it. I made some wrong choices in life, but don’t we all?”
I nodded, “Kelly, this really isn’t about you. It is about me. It is about what I did wrong. It is about the line that I crossed. I don’t want you to feel the same feeling that I do right now. I don’t want you to feel like it was another wrong choice.”
Kelly scooted over to me and rested her head on my shoulder. “That isn’t how Emma feels.”
“I know.”
“You know she loves you.”
“I know.”
Kelly looked up to me. “No, I mean she really loves you.”
I nodded, “I know.”
“I love you too.” Kelly murmured as she looked out to the lake. “Like really love you.”
I wrapped my arm around her. “Even after what I did?”
Kelly shrugged, “I’m not an idiot. I’m nowhere as smart as Emma, but being angry and calling what you did with Emma heinous while wanting that same situation for myself makes me look like hypocrite. I will support you guys in whatever decision you two make.”
I leaned into her and kissed her softly on the top of her head. I lingered and took in how amazing she smelled. “What if I stumbled into your room and made that mistake with you? What would you say?”
Kelly pushed away from me slowly and looked me deep into my eyes, “What are you saying?”
“I want you. I’ve wanted you.” I said slowly. I took a deep breath, “I still do.”
“Rob, don’t fuck me with.”
“I’m not…”
“Seriously, Rob, don’t fuck with me right now.” Kelly looked into my eyes. “I don’t think I can han-…”
I pulled Kelly close to me and kissed her deeply. Our lips seemingly formed a bond tighter than any kiss I had ever encountered before. My hands roamed her body. I pulled her close and felt how truly soft and yielding she was. Kelly broke our kiss with a delicate moan.
“Rob…”
“I want you now.” I said with urgency in my voice.
“Where is your car?” Kelly asked as she stood from the bench and pulled me to my feet.
I pointed to where I had parked. It was near the tree line of the park and had decent enough privacy from the morning senior walkers. Without saying another word, Kelly pulled me to my car. I watched as her body shook and wiggled seductively. She wore tight black leggings that screamed for mercy as her perfect fleshy ass stretched the fabric. I could see that she wore nothing underneath those leggings. Kelly looked back at me with a renewed hunger in her eyes. For a brief moment, a lump formed in my throat, but my desire for her nullified that brief moment of hesitation quickly. I unlocked my car and we both hurried into the back seats.
“Thank god your windows are tinted.” Kelly remarked as she pulled off her hoodie revealing that she wore nothing but a lacey bra underneath. She undid her bra and unveiled her supple breasts to me. She struggled to slip her leggings off as she never broke eye contact with me. “I want you so bad I can taste it.”