I never imagined this day would arrive-my graduation day. I can’t help but hide my tears. I don’t want to spoil my makeup, but when I see my classmates with their parents, I can’t help but be envious.
Not one member of my family attended any of my major occasions, including my graduation. They firmly rejected me.
A sigh escaped my lips. I grabbed my chest. I closed my eyes and fell into tears. Even Ismael isn’t there for me. Where is he right now?
I once hoped he was here with me-someone I could shake hands with on stage when I received my diploma. One of those who will smile for me. One of those who will applause.
But he’s not here.
And I don’t know if he’ll return. I had lost hope in my heart. Something seemed to be going on. I’m not sure, but my intuition tells me so. I’m becoming more anxious as time passes. I feel like we are losing touch.
Has he found someone else? It’s not impossible for him to fall in love with other girls. We are quite far away. Given that there are many women who are sexier, soft-spoken, conservative, and more delicate than me, I’m sure he’ll probably choose them over me. I have nothing to offer except my body, heart, and soul. I can only provide my strength; otherwise, there is nothing else. Who am I to begin with? There are many people who deserve him more than I do.
I bit my bottom lip in an attempt to stop the following thoughts, but as my heart became immersed in sorrow, I couldn’t help but question everything. What’s the point of his promise ring if he doesn’t show himself here? How can I be sure he will return? What if he does not want me anymore? What if he is in love with someone else already?
Even with Isa, I lost touch. I can’t help but think it’s all over for me and her older brother. Perhaps they forgot about me, or they found someone else for Ismael. He may have married another woman because the situation is too terrible for me. I don’t have anything, either.
After all, it was what his parents wanted for him: to inherit and manage all of their fortune. This was his destiny. And I was like a page from the book of destiny written specifically for him, I cannot be seen.
I am only a dot.
Perhaps even dirt.
“Alvandra, Jothea Mendez. Bachelor of Science in Business Management,” stated Dean Dator, who was present on stage. I brushed away my tears before heading upstairs.
They all smiled at me, as if I didn’t brought a huge chaos here in Marcus University. They were all clapping as if I had never caused them a headache.
“Congratulations, Jothea,” a teacher said to me before presenting me with my certificate in a leather folder.
“Thank you,” I said with a forced smile before moving to the end of the platform and facing my batchmates to bow, but as I bowed down, I realized I had seen someone before doing so.
That reduced me to tears. Even my breathing grew shallower.
I looked up again to see who had been smiling and clapping for me earlier, but I saw nothing.
Am I hallucinating?
Did I miss it?
I saw him in the middle of the crowd.
Ismael was there, but how did he vanish so quickly?
I promptly hurried downstairs to seek him out, but because there were so many people in the activity hall, it was difficult for me to keep up with him. I’m not even sure where he went.
Ismael, you are obnoxious.
“Hello! Have you seen Professor Mondalla?” I asked the guards at the doorgate while still panting. They exchanged a brief look before shaking their heads.
“No, miss. How did he arrive here? Isn’t he barred from attending any Marcus University campus?”
I bite my lip and keep shaking my head. Maybe I was thinking of Ismael, which is why I saw him. I attempted to quiet my racing heart, but it kept thumping like a detector that goes off when it finds something it has been hunting for a long time.
I felt Ismael’s presence. I cannot be mistaken. I know what I feel. What I witnessed was real. I had actually seen him previously. I recognized what I saw after only a second of stooping down and looking. He came to me.
A smile tugged at my lips, and tears welled up in my eyes. I seem to have hope. All of my doubts vanished.
“Thea, are you okay?” Sav asked as she approached me.
I didn’t answer her question; instead, I described what I saw. “Ismael came to me, Sav,” I answered with a smile, wiping away tears. I’m laughing and weeping hysterically. My heart’s joy has nowhere to go. I assumed he didn’t love me all this time, but now that he’s here, I wonder if I jumped to conclusions.
She looked around for a while, looking for the individual I was referring to, but she saw no one. Savannah’s lips curled down, as if she were about to cry. She stared at me thoughtfully. “Let’s go back to the chair, Thea,” she remarked, touching my shoulder and assisting me to walk.
“Huh? B-but why? Don’t you believe it? I swore. I actually saw him! I am going to find him!” I insist.
“I believe you, Thea, but let’s return to our chairs. The ceremony is almost over.”
*****
I could not sleep that night. I kept thinking about what I saw at our graduation. I tried calling Ismael numerous times, but he didn’t respond. I am crying uncontrollably and missing home. It is foolish to expect him to unexpectedly enter my home and hug me.
But months passed, and none of him appeared.
I glanced at the promise ring on my finger. I remembered Ismael’s vows to me, and they still made me shudder. But every time I look at this lovely ring, which represents a love of a lifetime, I can’t help but wonder if his love has already fled. How could he make me wait so long? He left me alone.
Maybe it is time for me to let go.
I removed the ring from my finger. It’s time to put an end to my delusions. He will never return.
*****
Reality strikes me. I thought college life was difficult, but it turns out that life is far more difficult outside of school. Life cannot be played anymore.
Marcus University became a part of my life, and a lot has transpired there. I met Professor Sybill and especially Ismael. However, they are no longer with me. Fortunately, Savannah remained here beside me.
However, we are also splitting now because we will be on different routes. She is about to establish her own firm, but I am still hunting for work. I had already applied to Loeisal Malmdan Company, but I was not convinced that my curriculum vitae would get me an interview, so I also applied to the other companies. I’m hoping that one of them will serve as a stepping stone to my dreams.
“Are you sure, Miss Alvandra? You’re still welcome here. If you haven’t found a job connected to your degree, you are welcome to stay,” Mr. Vargas replied as I bid him farewell. I also want to stop working at the casino since it is affecting my mental health too much. Aside from Raviel owning it, I’m finding it challenging to work the graveyard shift. My brain is engaged at that time; therefore, I frequently lose track of time when working.
“Thank you very much, Mr. Vargas. I appreciate your kindness.”
I finally said farewell. This casino also helped me a lot because I was able to save some money to spend on applications, in addition to the money Sir Mikael gave me, which I didn’t want to spend because it came from the person who had left me.
I hadn’t even left when I realized one of the reasons I didn’t want to stay here any longer are standing before me. I attempted to ignore him, but he still approached me.
“Jothea,” Raviel addressed me. He always visits me during my shift, and because of what he does, I despise him even more. I just recall Ismael and what he said that he was going to tell me where Ismael was. I’m not interested anymore. If someone does not want to show himself to me, why should I find him?
“Are you free tonight?”
I gave a big, melancholy sigh. “Raviel, please. Stop it,” I told him forcefully. “I’m not in the right mood to throw trash,” I stated forcefully. I don’t want to have any more reasons for our paths to meet because, first and foremost, if he has a grudge against Ismael, I don’t want me to be a key for him to use against him. My heart hurts already.
I had stopped the cab and was ready to get in when he muttered something that prevented me.
“But, Jothea, this is about Professor Mondalla!”
He said something that made my heart skip a beat. My world shattered. That’s when I looked back at him.
“God, if you are trying to fool me again, don’t waste your time!”
He didn’t pay attention to my speech but he said something that wounded my heart even further. “I saw him last night in the Island Motel Bar. He is with someone else.”
I gulped, but something is obstructing my throat, making it impossible for me to breathe. What the hell? Will he keep ruining my day? Is he truly unsure about his emotions? Why is he saying this to me? To murder me inside?
“He is with another woman. Much older than you.”