“Baby-boy, what’s this, did you hurt yourself?” I asked him, sudden dread filling me.
“What, that? Near miss, nothing to worry about, only needed a plaster” he said dismissively.
I was horrified. “You mean this is a bullet scar? Charlie, tell me! Did someone shoot at you?”
Charlie smiled. “Lu, it’s a war-zone, of course someone shot at me; people get shot-at all the time in a war-zone, occupational hazard, don’t y’know.”
I looked at him in mounting horror; “This means… that … this could have … killed you? Oh God Charlie, you were nearly killed, oh God, only a half-inch closer… Oh dear God…!” I was shaking with fright, heart pounding; He could have been killed; someone tried to kill, nearly succeeded in killing, my baby brother.
Charlie leaped up to grab me, holding me close, tight, trying to stop the shaking and shuddering, huge hot tears rolling down my face as I zoned-in on what could so easily have happened.
“Lucy, Lu-Lu, sweetheart, stop this, now, it didn’t happen, it was my stupid fault for taking off my Mark 6 on patrol, I learned my lesson, I never take it off until I’m inside the Bastion, LU! Stop it, please!”
Gradually, my panic died down, and my tears subsided as Charlie rubbed my back, and squeezed and hugged me, telling me he was sorry, and that he would never do anything to prevent him coming back to me, that he loved me, and that he would always be there for me.
He pulled me back down and kissed me some more, rubbing his hands up and down me to take away the fear completely; he was always good at that!
At last, completely calmed, heart-rate back to normal, I asked him if he would take me out for a drink, to get out, and to relax him. I wanted him in a happy frame of mind while he was home, and there was a good pub in the next village.
“Of course, Lu, I would love to be seen out with such a stunner, but I’ve only got my DPM’s with me, my kit and a change of civvies won’t arrive for another 48.” He grinned, wryly.
“Charlie, I would love to be seen out with a handsome soldier-boy, especially one dressed like you!” I told him, so that was settled.
I suddenly realised he was looking a little drawn, and then I understood why; the poor lamb had just had a 7-hour flight, then several hours of waiting around, followed by an extended pumping session, with a heavy meal thrown in; he must be exhausted, poor baby.
“Charlie, you look wasted, why don’t you climb into bed, MY bed, and get some shut-eye. I’ll come and get you in a few hours; I want to show-off my pretty boy-soldier!”
He grinned, “That would be a good idea, Lu, I’m pretty bushed. Can I use your washing machine later? I need to wash some of my kit it’s starting to fester!”
“Don’t worry, Charlie-boy, I’ll do it, you get some rest.” I smiled.
“OK,” he yawned, “but don’t get your red knickers in there, whatever you do; if I turn up at recall with pink kit, they’ll put me on a charge for being improperly dressed!”
“Go to bed!” I laughed, “I’ll join you shortly.
Charlie winked at me, squeezed my bum and cuddled my boobs, and headed upstairs while I tipped-out his kit bag to sort through his washing.
In amongst all the neatly packed and folded kit, I found a bundle of letters, all addressed to me. Intrigued, I opened one, rationalising my snooping by deciding that, as it was addressed to me, it was, de facto, mine to read. In mounting horror, I read through it, and then tore open another one, then another one, tears blurring my vision as I read one after another. They were all the same; he was writing to me to tell me how frightened he was, how he missed me, how he just wanted it all to be over, about his nightmares over the loss of his men to ambushes, snipers and explosive traps, his sheer, sobbing terror that his turn was coming soon.
Why had he never sent these to me, was he so afraid I would reject him again, gloat and say ‘I told you so’? What kind of a horrendous bitch did he think I was?
I tore upstairs, the letters in my hand, just as Charlie stepped out of the bedroom.
“Lu, don’t open….” he started, and then saw my expression, and the bundle of letters in my hand. “Lu, please, I can explain…” he began, but all I could say was “Why? Why didn’t you send me these, I missed you so desperately, and now I find these, Oh Charlie, poor, poor baby, why didn’t you let me know?” I was crying openly now, huge hot tear running down my cheeks.
Charlie gathered me in, sat down on the bed with me on his lap, holding me to him. Wiping my tears away, he began to speak, his voice so low it was almost a whisper.
“When I left, when you saw me off and everything, I knew how angry you were, I could see it, hear it in your voice. I thought you didn’t want to know; you once told me I was already dead, but Lu, I still needed you. I wrote to you because it felt like I was telling you how it was for me, I pretended you were reading them, and I imagined you telling me not to worry, it would soon be over, and that was good enough for me. I didn’t send them because I didn’t think you cared any more. When I kissed you that day at Sandhurst, I was saying goodbye, but it felt like you were saying goodbye, the end. I was so lonely, so scared, but I didn’t have anyone to tell it to; you can’t share that stuff with the men under your command, not if you want to keep their respect, have you lead them out and trust you to bring them back. I thought you’d washed your hands of me. I should have burned them, Lu, I’m so sorry.”
I was writhing in guilt and hot, searing shame as he spoke, every mean, horrible and hurtful thing I had said replaying in my mind. And yet he had talked to me in his head, because he needed me, the imaginary me in his head saying the things I should have said for real, keeping him sane by pretending I still cared about him, but believing I had abandoned him to his fate. His life as a soldier had made him physically a man, but the boy I loved so much had been inside all the time, scared, lonely, in terror for his life, needing me. I had abandoned him to that.
“Oh Charlie” I sobbed, “I was so frightened for you, but I never thought to think how frightened you may have been! Am I really such a miserable bitch that you couldn’t even write to me, could you really believe I was so despicable, to desert you, leave you alone out there?” I clung to him, crying even harder, feeling his terror and loss, confronting what I had done to him.
“The worst part, Lu, was Christmas, birthdays, and especially mail-call. It felt so bad, seeing everyone getting birthday cards, letters from home, Christmas gifts, and nothing ever for me. I didn’t list you as next of kin, I thought you’d gone, so all I ever got was the standard Army-issue Christmas card sent out by the DLO to the soldiers with no families. It truly felt like I had no family. I even wondered what I was fighting for, who I was fighting for. I didn’t honestly expect you to reply when I asked if I could come and stay with you; I thought you hated me.”
I was burning with shame. This poor boy had endured all the loneliness and fear, had commanded his men by controlling that fear, had believed he was alone, yet had hope enough to ask me to take him in, all the while believing I wouldn’t. And then, when he came home, he had loved me and held me as though the intervening years, the anger and abuse had never happened, wanting nothing but to be with me, after all I had said and done, after I had destroyed his idealism, had not been there for him at all, had left him thinking there was no-one missing him.
But even now, there was no hint of reproach in his voice, or his eyes, he just wanted to clean this stuff out of his head, letting me know that it was alright. But it wasn’t, never could be. I had hurt him deeply, almost lost him, and I needed to find him again. I had cried for the boy who was gone forever, now I knew how much I was to blame for driving him away.
I pulled him close to me, holding his sweet face in my hands, looking into his deep, luminous emerald eyes. “Charlie-boy, I swear to you, I’ll make it up to you, if it takes a million years, on my soul, I swear I will make up for everything I did, or said, my poor, sweet baby-boy!”
“Lu-Lu, it’s alright, it’s gone now, I’m here, the past is dead and gone; besides,” he pinched my bottom, grinning happily, “I think we may have a new beginning right here; after all, you did fuck me to a standstill; that makes what happened in the past seem pretty fucking distant right now! Look at it this way; I left my sister behind, but I came back to a hot, wasp-waisted, big-tit blonde who fucks like she’s on the clock!”
I smiled guiltily at him, and he responded by kissing my tears away, licking my lips and cheek, nuzzling my neck, and squeezing my bum. “No more to say, OK, Lu?”
I nodded, holding tight to this lovely, sweet, cock-pumping hunk of a brother of mine!
“And now, I really am hammered, care to join me?” he invited, indicating the bed.
“OK, Charlie-Boy, but just to sleep, OK? You look just about done-in. When we get up, I want to take you around, show you off a little, make the other girls spit with jealousy!”
In one move, Charlie yanked down my panties and pulled my T-shirt over my shoulders. “In my bed, you sleep naked, sister of mine, understood?” with a devilish grin lighting up his lovely face.
I returned the compliment, tugging down his shorts to reveal a semi-flaccid cock. “When you get into bed with me, little brother, it is NOT clothing optional either, do YOU understand?”
Charlie pulled me close, grabbing my bum and squeezing the cheeks, then pulling them apart to slide a finger into my anus. “So, let’s sleep then, if I can keep my hands off you, you lovely big-tit blonde!”
I stroked his cock, smiling. “I said SLEEP, you horse-cocked spunk-factory, I meant sleep. Go on now, hit the hay!”