Johnny let her cry and get it out of her system; he remembered the first time, when, as a deputy, he’d had to shoot to kill, he remembered and relived the sick horror and self-loathing at what he’d done, and he could empathize completely with what the little blonde was going through. So he held her close and rocked her as she cried, waiting until the sounds of her crying died away and the trembling ceased.
Johnny held her away from him, and brushed a curl of bright blonde hair off her face so he could look her in the eye. Melette stared apprehensively at him, perhaps waiting for him to condemn her for what she’d done, but he just smiled at her and brushed her hair back again.
“It okay to grieve Baby-Girl; takin’ a life’s always gonna be a difficult thing to face up to; fust time I had to do it I was sick to my stomach; no matter that I had to do it to save innocent lives, it was still the hardest thing I ever did do in my entire life; Internal Affairs cleared me of any wrongdoing, they said it was justified, but that still din’t stop me sittin’ in church for hours, for the first time in years, askin’ God to forgive me for what I done; takin’ a life ain’t to be taken lightly, I had to learn that the hard way, now you done learned it too.”
“But Odie…” she began, but Johnny silenced her with a finger on her lip.
“Odie different to you, baby-girl, what all she feel about killin’ that gunny back to Noncle Lubin’s place only she know for sure, but I for sure know one thing ’bout her; she was defendin’ her family, an’ in her mind she know was in the right, so she ain’t lettin’ it trouble her. Them two scum we killed din’t care ’bout no sanctity of human life, they got less honor an’ sense o’ fair play than you gon’ find in a back-alley dog-fight, an’ they give no quarter; they kill for money, you seen what they did to that pore ole’ man, an’ you heard what they plannin’ on doin’ to you an’ Odie, an’ if not you, then some other gal gonna be the one they do that to; they fixin’ to go to Hell for bein’ what they are, you an’ me, well, we jes’ show them the way.”
He took her hands in his and laced his fingers with hers, the way he would when she was small, just one more reminder of how long he’d been in her life and who he was to her.
“Yeah we killed ’em, an’ I dunno for sure how right or wrong we are, but I do know it mean my baby-girls safer for it, an’ right now that make it right with me; we made the world a safer place now them two ain’t in it, and I’m feelin’ it needed to be done; tell yo’self that an’ maybe it make it a little better. Now you set here while I strip their weapons an’ dump the bodies, turn away you have to, say what you think you need to, I be done in a few minutes, an’ we get back to th’ others.”
Melette sat huddled on the bank, her back turned to where the two bodies lay, staring resolutely ahead, and squeezing her eyes tight shut when the sound of a double splash told her Johnny had gotten rid of the two bodies. Even as she turned, she saw several V-shaped ripples in the surface of the bayou arrowing towards the bank. Johnny held Max’s M4 carbine by the barrel and swung it out in a high arc, tossing it right into the deepest part of the channel. He made as if to do the same with the Ruger, but changed his mind, instead working the bolt to ensure the breech was empty, then disengaging it to peer down the barrel with his thumb in the breech.
“This a good gun, good an’ clean, looks new, prolly never even been used; might come in useful we need more firepower; lessee whether Odie want this’n too.”
Johnny stuffed Mac’s Glock and a Beretta M9 he’d found when he’d searched the other man, both new-looking and, like the Ruger, probably never fired, and a stack of clips and a box of Winchester . 308 hulls into his pack, settled his pack across his shoulder and picked up the rifle. Melette picked up her bow and hunting arrow, now cleaned and dried, and nodded when looked enquiringly at her.
“OK, Baby-Girl, let’s git outta here, we got a rendezvous up the bayou, an day’s getting’ on’; you ready to move on out, honey?”
*
When they arrived back at the boat, Justine jumped off onto the bank and ran to Johnny, hugging him, before drawing back and looking from him to Melette and back again.
“What, what happened?” she asked apprehensively, taking in the girl’s drawn expression and red, swollen eyes. Odelie joined them, cupping her sister’s face and looking worriedly into her eyes.
“Whut’s wrong, Honey, whut happen ‘long there, why you bin cryin’?”
Melette stared for one long, silent moment, then her face crumpled as she burst into tears, and Odelie hugged her, looking worriedly at Johnny. Johnny put his arm around her, hugging all three girls, and pulling Odelie closer so he could murmur in her ear.
“There was… people waitin’ on us up along the bank there, two fellers, they the pair killed ole man Richeleaux, I killed one them assholes, Mellie got th’other ‘un, she put a arrow through his haid; it was needful, they was laughin’ ’bout what they done, an’ plannin’ what they gonna do to you girls. She done the right thing, but I guess she ain’t seein’ it that way right now. You take her below, Odie, she need you right now, me ‘n’ Justy cast off and set out. Go on now.”
The rest of the day was passed in silence; Johnny seemed to be almost in a reverie, basically not there at all, and apparently unaware of Justine’s presence. For her part, Justine passed the day with just the thrum of the motors, the thresh of the propellers, and the slap of water against the hull to keep her company; she was bursting to know what had happened, but she knew her Johnny’s expressions and moods too well to try and press him; when he wanted to share, he would; until then, he’d hold his mouth and keep his peace, and she’d just have to live with it until he felt like sharing.
As evening started to shade the water and cloak the banks in shadow, Johnny roused from the almost zen-like trance he’d been in all day; even the sandwich Justine had made him for lunch was eaten almost on autopilot, but when he shook himself and grinned at her, he almost appeared to be himself again.
Justine chose not to say anything; tying-up, getting the camp set up, and checking on the two girls occupied her, while Johnny kept watch and scanned the banks ahead and around them, but once housekeeping had been attended to, and everyone had been fed from their dry rations, Justine waited while Odelie and Melette set-up their bedrolls and retired until their watch. That left Johnny and Justine staring morosely at the fire, each lost in their own thoughts, until finally it was too much for Justine.
Johnny started when he felt Justine’s hand on his arm, followed by a fleeting smile before he went back to staring into the fire.
“Big-Bear, what happened out there? I know Mel’s upset, but why? What’s going on?” she whispered.
Johnny leaned back, pulling Justine closer so he could put his arm around her, sighing deeply as he did so.
“I killed ‘nother man today, Minou; he was holdin’ a gun, an’ talking ’bout what he an’ his buddy done, but he still never seen me kill him; we ‘sposed to be the good guys here, but you know what? I ain’t so sure what is good an’ what ain’t no more; I said it was needful, but that was mostly for Mel, she in a bad place an’ I din’t wanna make it worse, but I never gave that man no chance to defend hisself, he never even knew what killed him, and yeah, you can say he deserve to die for what he done, but still ain’t my place to go makin’ no decision ’bout that. My head say I done the right thing, but if that true, why does my heart say what I done was wrong? You seen how I can get when th’ anger take me, don’t tell me that the right way to be.”
Justine noted that he’d slipped into that ‘down-home’ accent and word use of his, his carefully maintained, neutrally-accented way of speaking deserting him in his distress.
He sighed, and lapsed into silence. Justine was just about to say something when he started speaking again, his voice low and throbbing with emotion.
“I ‘member when I was boy readin’ ’bout them ole time vikings an’ how they fight, an’ they useta have these warriors get so bloodthirsty they go kill-crazy, din’t feel no pain, nothing, they jes’ kill an’ kill in a mad frenzy, mouths all foamin’ and screamin’ like banshees; even th’ other Vikings shun them because they too crazy to be safe aroun’; goin’ berserk, that what they called it, an’ that what happen to me: I see red, I go berserk, an’ someone get killed, you seen me do it, jes’ few days ago, an’ two men died, now I done it again today, an’ mebbe I gonna do it agin, an’ ag in, an’ I can’t be doin’ stuff like that, that not how normal people are. Mebbe I need help, I don’ wanna do that ever agin, I feel dirty inside jes’ thinkin’ I could do that to a man; Minou, I never even give him a chance to make his peace with whoever…” his voice trailed off into almost a whisper.
Justine pulled his face around to look into his eyes, her heart wringing at the guilt and misery she saw smouldering there.
“You listen to me, Jean Bastienne Deaucette, and you listen good! The men we’re running from are killers from the ground-up; they kill because they like it, they get paid for doing it, and because they get paid for it, they keep on doing it, and they sure as Hell don’t see anything wrong with it! Your only fault is you look after everyone else, but you don’t take care of you; if you have to kill a man it’s because you have no other choice, and you do it because you’re defending me, Mellie, Odie, your family, and the people you love, not for the love of it, or for twelve pieces of silver, but because it’s the right thing to do; nothing wrong with that, Li’l jean, not a damned thing!”
She pulled his head up and made him look at her, into her eyes.
“This is how it is, Jean-Bastienne Deaucette; some people are born to do what most of us can’t even imagine; some people are made to be protectors, Big Bear, that’s their purpose in this life. They protect their families, other people, the weak and the helpless, everyone who needs it, and what they sometimes have to do is part of that. Because they do what they do, they’re special, more special than they ever realize, but the best part of them is that they do what they have to do but they don’t revel in it, and they especially don’t wallow in it and glorify what they do. That’s what you are, Johnny; you, and the special few like you, you keep a handle on your humanity and your compassion, everything that makes you who you are, and that’s why all those around you love you so much. You’re no superman, and God knows, you’re no angel, you’re just a man, but you’re a good man.”
She ruffled his hair and smiled, hoping to see him smile back, but his expression stayed somber, his eyes dark and troubled.
“You were born to keep people safe, and make the world a better, safer place, even if it’s only for a short time; you did what you had to, and those you protect and care for know this and love you for it. Don’t sell yourself short, Johnny-Bear; you’re the best man I ever knew, and I will never let you forget that, ever!”