That one question hammered at me, but it was too dreadful to contemplate, that someone could be so desperate that they could be driven to that, and now the full horror of what I was, what he’d made me into, hit hard; all I could ever do would be to follow in his footsteps, plough my way through other people like they were chaff in a field, because that was what he’d made me, and the only thing he’d ever taught me, the only thing I knew.
I couldn’t change, I knew that; I was condemned to follow in his wake, and destroy everyone in my path; he’d seen to that.
Suddenly, it came to me with shocking clarity just how simple it really was; there was a way out for me, one that solved everything for everyone and shut this nightmare off for me forever.
Rick was still adaptable enough to change, the evidence was right there in front of me, the same for the girls; my father had somehow been unable to worm his way inside them, but me, I knew how damaged I was, how immersed I was in the ways and values of Robert Davies.
I’d felt at times that the only real cure for what ailed me, the only way out of this fucked-up travesty I called a life, was a bullet in the brain; perhaps that really was my best and most realistic way out of this hopeless nightmare. This whole series of revelations had shown me just how deeply Robert Davies had reached down into me, and what it had shown me with shocking clarity was that there was nothing inside me worth the having, nothing to save and no soul to speak of, just a whole lot of me, and it was fouled and slimed with him and his values, an irretrievably lost cause; all I’d ever accomplish would be to infect, damage, and destroy those around me.
Everyone at some time in their life has stood on a high place and felt those conflicting twin compulsions, the urge to jump and simultaneously the fear of what that brought; now I knew, for me the time to make that jump had suddenly arrived, the fear of what came next was gone, in the first full moment of clarity I’d ever experienced. Authors and philosophers talk about a life worth living, how about a life so fouled and polluted that it should be discarded, for the good of those around you?
I had to go somewhere quiet, I had to think about what I’d just discovered about me, who and what I was, and where I belonged in this ‘family’ that had suddenly descended on me. I got up out of the chair and made for the door, Shereen watching me closely. As I reached for the door handle, she called out my name.
I turned to see her looking at me oddly.
“Bobby, where are you going?” she asked me.
“I have something I have to do,” I answered truthfully, “Goodnight Shereen, I think Rick needs you; keep an eye on him please.”
I closed the door firmly and walked up the stairs. Once in the bathroom, after locking the door, I picked up dad’s old straight razor and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, idly watching the light play on the blade of the old razor, suddenly fascinated by the tiny points of light along the edge, the sign of a well-sharpened blade.
As I watched the light ripple on the old steel, I thought about what Ricky and Shereen had told me; my father was a murderer, he’d killed my mother, maybe he’d killed Nicky too, and I was just like him, I was a chip off the old block in almost every way. If I stayed with those people downstairs, and somehow I still couldn’t bring myself to think of them as ‘family’, because they weren’t, somehow, in some way, I would be responsible for bringing them down, because that was my nature; that was how I was bred.
I realised my first impulse was the right one; the blade was my way of protecting them from me, the one thing I could do for them that would keep whatever was still coiled-up inside me, the sickness and depraved inhumanity of Robert Davies, away from them forever; this blade was their guarantee of a life free of my father and his influence.
Shereen must have seen something of my inner turmoil in my eyes, because just as I had decided to make that final, sweeping cut across my throat with that slender, lethal piece of steel and end this whole miserable existence for me, the door burst open and suddenly Rick was holding my hand away from me in a grip I just couldn’t break free of.
“Bobby, what the fuck are you doing, just give… me… that…!” I let the razor go as my hand opened involuntarily, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Shereen kick it out of reach under the bathtub.
“Bobby, what in the name of God are you doing, why would you want to… to…?” she asked, her eyes wide and frightened.
I was having trouble speaking, as Rick currently had his forearm in my throat as he held me flat against the wall.
“Why, Bobby?” she whispered, and I answered her as best I could while struggling to escape from Rick’s hold on me.
“Don’t you know what I am? I’m him, or I will be! I can’t be one of you! I’ll break it all up, I know I will, and you all deserve better than that! Please, please, if you really think anything of me, just turn around, close the door, let me finish this my way!” I pleaded with her, my heart sinking as she slowly shook her head, then glanced at Rick and nodded slightly.
“Sorry Bobby, no can do!” said Rick, “Sorry about this…!”
His fist slammed against my jaw, I saw stars, and then blackness and silence.
*
I awoke in darkness, wondering for a second where I was, then stiffened as the sound of someone stirring came clearly to me. I tensed, ready to jump out of bed at whoever was in the room with me.
“Shhh, Bobby, calm down, it’s only me!” came a soft voice, and I relaxed; Shereen; it was all real then, not some weird dream.
I fumbled for the lamp, and she switched it on. She was sitting in the carver chair I had found in the basement, which constituted the sole piece of furniture in my bedroom other than the narrow single bed with the bricks at one end in place of legs, and the battered night-stand next to the bed.
“How are you feeling, Bobby?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
My jaw ached where Rick had cracked me, and Shereen saw me wince as I opened my mouth to speak.
“No, it’s okay, don’t speak if it hurts. Sorry about that Bobby, Rick was scared of what you might do, he didn’t want you hurting yourself; please don’t be mad at him.”
I had to grin at her defending him; but then, she probably knew more about him than I did; the Rick I’d seen earlier was nothing like the Richard I’d grown up with; he was almost like a different person, a much friendlier, more together person than I’d ever known. Before Rick left, he’d been morose, sullen, bitter, hostile and angry; just like me in fact. Now it was like he’d had a personality transplant; his smile had been open, friendly, and approachable, as had his whole demeanour, not cynical and devious; something radical had happened to change him, and I was intrigued, in spite of everything else that was crowding inside me just then; had it been these two girls? How?
“Would you like a hot drink?” she asked, and I smiled ruefully.
“I haven’t got anything, only water; don’t worry, I’ll get a glass myself.” I said, and she cocked her head as she smiled at me.
“You didn’t, but Ricky and Yaz did some shopping earlier, and we have coffee, tea and juice, and a couple of beers if you want something a little more interesting than tap water…”
It was my turn to look curiously at her.
“I know I asked you this before, but why are you doing this for me? It seems to me you could have a much better life in London, far away from all this. Why are you so intent on making me a part of your life? I mean, I’m no-one to you; don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, especially after that meal, it just seems… strange, is all I’m saying…”
Her hand came up to gently touch the side of my jaw, right where it hurt the most, and I winced.
“Sorry, I just wanted to check for myself nothing was broken.” she murmured, “It all seems okay, you’ll live, sweetie. In answer to your question, I’m a few months older than you, so that makes me your big sister. Big sisters are supposed to look out for their little brothers, and that includes not turning their backs while their little brothers make huge, stupid mistakes.”
She shifted her weight, sliding closer to me.
“Bobby, I saw how you’ve had to live, I know how hard you work and how little you get for it, Ricky told us everything, and I can see for myself how little proper food you get; baked beans and tomato soup; you can’t live like that, it may be hot and filling, but it’s not nourishing; you need protein, a proper balanced diet, not just empty calories; look at you, you’re all skin and bones. You poor baby; you look famished! I’m your big sister and I won’t let you live like that again; Yaz, Rick, and me, we’re your family, and family sticks together, so come and be part of your family. Please? For me?”
She smoothed the hair back out of my eyes.
“Rick came to us just when we needed him the most, and now we’re here because you’re family, and you need us, and we need you; Yaz is your little sister too, she needs both her brothers, especially with what she’s had to live with for so long, so let’s make a deal; you look after your sisters, and your sisters promise to look after you; deal?”
Despite my own damnably suspicious nature, I saw and heard nothing here to put me on my guard; on the contrary, what was radiating from her in waves was just honest sincerity. I smiled at her, probably the first real smile since before Dad had been taken away to appear in court all that long while ago now.