“I mean,” she continued with a more serious tone and look, “what do you think would really happen if you were to allow your mother to keep dancing with you like that, to enjoy her son’s embrace in her drunken haze the way she does, without leaving her there standing all by herself? Do you really think she is going to seduce her own son in her living room Scott?”
“N-no . . . I guess not, but it’s weird,” I said, “She’s my mother, and when she touches me under my clothes I get freaked out and I panic. I mean, is she coming on to me or something?”
My heart was beating quickly and I started feeling tight and constricted, like I couldn’t breathe.
“I hear you Scott, and believe me I’m on your side. I really am. We just need to look at this uncomfortable situation a little more, because you and I are not here to work on your mother’s inappropriate actions . . . right? We’re here to work on your reactions,” she said, keeping both hands on my arm closest to her and twisting toward me further, “the kind of reactions that have been exploding out of you without warning at work, remember?”
She had a point; and could sense my resolve beginning to fade.
“I am going to help you work through this, and we’re going to clear some of that negative energy right out of you, but I need you to trust me. Okay?”
I took a deep cleansing breath and allowed her to take control of the situation, nodding my understanding.
“Good. Now we’re going to try a therapeutic technique called ‘focused visualization’. I’m going to start by telling you your own story again, but with a few adjustments. I just need you to remember that this just a story, okay, and not something real. It’s a cognitive exercise designed to uncover and release hidden feelings and emotions that can block our energy flow. It will be uncomfortable at first, but I want you to close your eyes and just listen to me with an open mind, okay?”
I looked at her again, and she lightly nodded her head that it was okay and I was in good hands. I looked forward and allowed my eyelids to settle my view into darkness.
“Now this will seem very strange, but you’re safe with me. Try not to resist with your thoughts, instead try to accept what I say without mentally fighting back, and we’ll see where this takes us.”
I nodded and she tightened her grip on my arm, shifting closer. I felt her somewhat against my shoulder.
“I want you to picture yourself in your mother’s living room again Scott. You’re there, but you’re not really there, you’re here with me. The music is playing and she’s asked you to dance. You already know where this is heading because she’s been drinking, but you accept and take her into your arms.”
I swallowed hard as my mind projected the familiar scene across the inside of my eyelids.
“Are you with me?”
“Yes,” I softly replied.
“Good. Now as you dance, I want you to remember how it feels to dance with her, before she gets carried away I mean. It’s innocent. You’re enjoying a respectful intimacy with your mother, and it helps both of you to feel loved and cared for. It’s nice. Her arms wrap around you and she pulls you close.”
Rachel went silent for a moment. In my mind Mother’s smaller frame was pressed against me, hugging me tight. It was a comforting feeling, and I realized it was something we truly shared together. I too wanted to dance and to feel loved and cared for and held.
Rachel continued. “Now the music swells and Sophia nuzzles into your neck, just like you knew would happen, but this time you remember she’s emotional and can’t help herself.”
I felt my arm tense up below the doctor’s touch and she started to rub along it. I tried to relax and remember that it was just an exercise.
“It’s okay Scott, just let her get close. It’s important to let go emotionally here. You’re safe, and everything we talk about is just between us. She’s not here, and I’m not judging you. Just let it happen.”
Her voice lowered into a softer, more intimate tone, “Now feel her turn her head into your neck, softly resting her lips against your skin. Is that what she does?”
I slowly nodded my head, my inner guard letting down and nervously allowing this to continue.
“Now let’s pretend you simply let your mother, Sophia, kiss your neck like that. It’s fine this time, nothing harmful, just a pair of lips. Her hands caress as well, and you let them. See yourself standing there, allowing your mother to kiss and touch you, knowing she doesn’t really mean anything by it; she’s intoxicated, and vulnerable.”
I listened to Rachel in silence as her words sank in. I didn’t know how to respond as she gently short circuited my automatic defenses with soft her suggestions.
“So let’s keep imagining that your mother is kissing you on the neck and it feels nice. I mean, it’s just kissing right? It’s supposed to feel nice. She’s not hurting you, so just allow it to feel good for once. You dance with her and feel her soft lips against your neck, sending shivers down your legs. That’s what it does to you, right? It’s okay Scott. . . that’s what it does to everyone.”
I felt Rachel next to me, escorting me on this unexpected journey into awkward discomfort. She was somehow diffusing my initial anger and embarrassment, and I felt my usually sharp emotions begin to dull as she continued.
“Feel her hands wander your body, finding their way under your shirt the way they do. Her fingers touch your bare skin, and it’s okay this time, just let them in. She wants to feel a strong man in her arms, and she may never even remember it was you. Just let it happen, be there for her. It’s just dancing.”
I felt Rachel slide one of her hands up my arm a bit and back down, her voice getting a little lower. “But then, as you might have expected, you feel her hands shift from rubbing your bare back to further down, just beyond the loose waistband of your pants . . . underneath.”
My pulse instantly pounded.
“I know your heart jumps when she does it . . . but stand your ground this time. Remember her condition. Know that your love for her is stronger than this.”
I swallowed hard. Rachel’s soft words were heavy in my mind, and I started feeling dizzy and confused. I was picturing my own mother with her lips and hands on me again, trying to keep from panicking even though it wasn’t real. The doctor continued . . .
“She doesn’t mean any harm Scott, quite the opposite. Bare hands on soft skin tend to wander, don’t they? It’s natural.” She casually smoothed her fingers along my arm to make her point, “They touch and move, and it’s innocent. Even if her hands were to push their way right into your pants to feel her son’s bare cheeks, you’ll let it go this time, right? It’s fine. Your mother is drunk and touching your body, her hands are even inside your pants, grabbing and rubbing your backside while she drags her heavy lips along your neck. So what? This time you let her have her way, and that’s all she really wants; the feel of a man in her arms, and his strong acceptance of her affections.
“Would that be so difficult to allow Scott?”
I sat in silence amidst a whirl of emotions, my body knowing firsthand the sensations she was describing and trying my hardest to accept them, to allow them. The silence she left hanging between us was . . . comfortable for one fleeting, fragile moment . . . and then she had to go and break it.
“Or is that not the real problem?”
She paused for a second as if in thought, and then pushed herself up to my ear and whispered, “Do you know what I think Scott? I think you might be afraid; afraid you might actually get aroused by your own mother when she does these things to you, isn’t that right?”
My eyes shot open. I gulped hard at this realization, and she was right, I was definitely afraid of that! Time slowed as the harsh awareness hit me; this whole time I had been deathly afraid of getting turned on by my own mom!!
Rachel leaned back away from me to allow some space for this realization to sink in. That’s exactly what was wrong with me, why I had been getting so upset at everything lately! Rachel seemed to notice that my mind was working hard, and she started unraveling me further.
“Is she pretty Scott? Does she have a nice body? I’m guessing she’s probably very cute, and you’re afraid that her wandering hands and her soft lips might actually feel a little too nice against you, am I right?”
I couldn’t respond, I was too busy mentally bashing myself for being so sick in the head! Rachel continued.
“Do you ever think about how nice her body feels against you like that when you dance? How gentle her touch feels on your skin and how your young body might eventually react to her drunken advances? I mean, those wandering hands of hers might accidentally happen upon her grown son in more ways than one, am I right?”
My eyes rolled back in my head and I tried again to swallow. Nothing.
“She might actually get a feel for what her kisses and touches are doing to her young son’s body. Let’s face it, if you let her go on like this, you would be getting erect for your own mother; isn’t that the real problem Scott? Have you ever found yourself getting physically aroused by her?”
I dared not speak.
“I think you have . . . and often. In fact, you’re erect right now just hearing me talk about it. I can see it Scott. We’re just talking here, and you’re getting aroused just thinking about finally letting your mother have her way with you, aren’t you?”
I knew instantly she was right, and I was mortified as Rachel rubbed along my arm, quite close to my traitor of an erection. She leaned into me until I felt a pair of heavy breasts press into my arm, her voice hot in my ear.
“It’s okay Scott, I understand . . . I really do. It’s completely natural for you to feel this way, and you’re absolutely safe here with me. We’re just exploring your feelings and not doing any harm, these are just thoughts. Now keep those eyes closed and stay with me, and let me know if you feel like we’re going too far.”