She was quiet until the waitress came back. I figured she was going to order something cheap and remain pouty, but surprised me by ordering shrimp scampi. I guess she was hungry. Or wanting to punish me a bit by ordering a $50 pasta dish. I topped her by ordering one with lobster, which at least caught her attention. The waitress walked away, leaving us alone again.
“Da… Ben… are you rich? I’m sorry, but you said we have to talk and stuff…”
I smiled. “It’s a good question, Ashley. I’m not… ish. Between life insurance and my lawsuit against the… person, who killed my wife, I’m doing ok. I retired from work, and I’m doing a few things on the side, mostly to keep myself busy. Assuming I’m not stupid with my money, I’m ok for life. I can splurge occasionally on some pasta, but there’s no private jets in my future.
“And Ashley, I’m not doing this because I don’t trust you. I like you, perhaps a lot more than I should…”
She smiled again.
“But we’ve spent most of the last few days talking about geek things and just a little about ourselves. I’m sure some of that was deliberate. Just in case one of us turns to be crazy we want to protect ourselves a bit…”
“I am not crazy,” she said. Paused. “Too crazy.”
I laughed. “You’re a redhead. It’s genetically impossible for you not to be a little crazy.”
“Ok, that’s a fair point,” she said.
“But if my friends asked me to tell them what you’re like, I literally cannot tell them what your last name is.”
“No way,” she said, sitting up straighter. “I told you that.”
“When?”
Then her eyes got wide. “Oh shit.”
“Where do you live? Where did you grow up? What school do you go to,” I said, ticking off my fingers.
She put her hands in her head. I heard her mutter, “Oh god I am such a ditz.”
I continued. “And that’s before we have to have all the conversations about the nature of our relationship. Because Dd/Lg relationships are a lot of work. And they can be scary for both of us. We have to talk about what you want and what I expect, otherwise it will never work.”
“You want it to work?” she said. “Really?”
I took a deep breath. This was the insanity I was warned about and I was far enough from the distortion field of the comic con that I couldn’t use it as an excuse.
Fuck it.
“If this is a weekend thing for you, that tomorrow after the con you go back to your mystery base and we never talk again, ok, well, that’ll suck, but it will certainly explain some of the mystery. But you certainly seem to like me…”
She was nodding her head up and down vigorously.
“… and I like you. So I’d like to see what happens next.”
“That was scary for you,” she said.
“It was. Once upon a time I never could have done that. Now, there are scarier things then telling someone you like them and they don’t feel the same way. Or that people might judge you for your relationship. My wife would probably raise an eyebrow and go ‘really’, but she’d also want me to be happy and get on with things. Spending your life angry is a shitty way to live.”
I could see her eyes watering a bit, and she wiped them away.
“I’m sorry I’m such a ditz sometimes. I really am smart and I get good grades at school and I didn’t mean to have it look like I was playing games with you. In my head it was a weird combination that ‘of course I’ve told him all this’ because we’ve been getting along so well, Then mix that with insecurity that you wouldn’t want to see me again after the con, those bitches messing with my head, and my current hormonal mix…”
I interrupted. “Current hormonal mix?” Then it dawned on me. “You’ve been edging. Not letting yourself cum.”
She leaned across the table. “I. Am. So. So. Fucking. Horny. It’s an effort to not crawl under the table right now and start sucking your cock. I like getting myself in this headspace. I like getting myself worked up and then not letting myself cum. Some women can’t handle it, but it just puts me in a Little/ditzy/almost bimbo like state. Everything is fuzzy, and I like it. But…”
“But it’s dangerous with the wrong guy.”
She nodded. “I’ve been hurt before… Ben,” she said.
“I swear to God I will not hurt you,” I said, reaching out to take her hands.
She clutched my back, so hard her nails dug into my hands. She lowered her head for a moment and I could hear her sniffing.
“Please,” she whispered.
“Please what?”
“Please can I call you daddy, again. I’ll be good and call you Ben when others around, but please, it doesn’t feel good right now calling you Ben all the time.”
I let go of her hands, lifted up her chin and smiled at her. I took one of the napkins and dabbed away her tears.
“It’s ok, little girl”, I said, and patted the space on my left in the booth. She immediately scooched around the booth and buried her face in my shoulder, a noise that sounded like a laugh and sob came from her.
“I must seem like the silliest little girl, daddy,” she said.
I nodded. “You are, which is why you need a daddy to take care of you.”
“And will you take care of me,” she said, hopefully.
“I will, but I need to know what my little girl’s last name is and where she lives for starters.”
“I hate my name. It’s Ashley Clarke. It’s so boring.”
“So we’ll come up with one that makes you happy then.”
That got her attention. “Really? I could have a special princess name… that would be awesome!”
I could see the waitress making her way over to us with food. It was one of my last chances to get the last, critical bit of information out of her. Because I’m not sure it had dawned on her yet that if she lived in San Diego, this was going to be a challenge, strong attraction or not.
“And my princess goes to school, where?”
Almost as an afterthought, still focusing on her potential new name, she said “I go to Laval, in Montreal.”
As the waitress put the food down, looking curious at the shift in seating arrangement, I started laughing. Once the waitress left, Ashley looked at me.
“What’s so funny, daddy.”
“It’s fate, princess. I moved to Kingston, Ontario three months ago. I live a two hour train ride away from you.”
It took a few seconds for that piece of information to sink in. Then she squealed and threw her arms around me, nudging the table hard and almost sending the food and beverages flying, giving me a big kiss. If people in the restaurant were looking, I didn’t care.
***
Despite saying dessert would be back at the room, Ashley was enticed by a piece of cheesecake, which we ended up splitting. I figured after that it would be a mad dash back to the hotel room. But even with a 10 block walk between the restaurant and the hotel, she asked if it was ok to walk. My knee was having a good day, courtesy of drugs, a brace, and taking it was with the walking at the con today. Ashley had her reasons. Some of it was to work off supper, some of it was that she wanted to hold hands with me walking down the street. And I’m sure some of it was a denial thing. She was already fidgety and edgy walking down the street.
She was also suddenly, a fountain of information. She was born and raised in Saskatchewan, but hated living there. She liked going to school in Montreal, even if she couldn’t speak much French. She was still figuring out design work, but thought being a costume designer for movies would be cool. Or even designing cosplay costumes.
I had to give up some information too. She finally learned that I was a policy analyst up until a couple of years ago. Which she found hilarious because she thought I was exaggerating when I said I was a deeply boring person. When I pretended to be wounded, she hugged into my arm.
“It just means I have a very smart daddy,” she said.
Previously I had lived in Toronto, but I was done with Toronto after Beth’s death. It was interesting to me that I finally said her name without feeling like my soul was being ripped. I need a break, but want some place close enough to my friends in Toronto. The area around Kingston is stunning. Nice cider too. I found a place outside of the city that offered me some privacy and settled in.
“I can come and visit every weekend,” she said, skipping a bit.
“We’ll see,” I said.
She turned around and looked at me, with big doe eyes.
“I want you to come and visit, but your grades are the most important thing. They take priority. You can expect me to be closely looking at your grades from now on. If they start to slide, no visits.”
She nodded solemnly. “Ok daddy. I’ll study hard, I promise.”
“Good girl,” I said. She glowed in response.
We finally made it back to the hotel and Ashley fidgeting went up a notch. She turned around and looked at me in the lobby.
“Daddy, I need you to give me 15 minutes before you come upstairs. Please?”
I didn’t want to give her 15 seconds to get ready upstairs. I was perfectly happy with how she looked right now. But again, I was going to need to save my will power in saying no to her on the important things. Fifteen minute primping and preening upstairs was not going to kill me. Hopefully.
“Ok princess.”
She leaned up on her toes and kissed me quickly on the lips and then, seeing me set the timer on my phone, she dashed off giggling towards the elevator.
I found a couch in the lobby and sat down for what felt like two glacial ages while scrolling through social media on my phone. There were a couple of texts from friends trying not to inquire how I was doing. I sent back texts saying I was having a good time. I remained the king of understatements.
Finally, time was up. I leveraged myself up off the couch, took a deep breath and made my way to the elevator. I spent the slowest elevator ride in history cursing getting a room on the 40th floor. Eventually, I got to my floor, made my way down to my room. I paused, took a breath and knocked first, just to let her know I was there. I heard a giggle and her voice through the door.