“Correct. I guess King did tell you about it. Our sons and maybe our daughters will be trained into soldiers and agents. Then the strongest will take over and run the company after me,” Reiner confirmed with a firm nod of his head.
“And you’re ok with that?” I asked as I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Of course not, that’s why I said that I don’t want to have children. With my personal preferences aside, if we end up having children, that is exactly what is going to happen to them,” Reiner said with utmost certainty.
“No…” I whispered so softly that I barely heard myself.
“Yes, your son will grow up and he’ll be trained to fight and kill. Just like I was…” Reiner affirmed bluntly.
“No…” I mumbled. It can’t be…
There’s got to be another way.
“That’s the way things are here and in our family. There’s no rush, though. No matter how much King pressures you, you don’t need to hurry. You’re still young, we can talk about this again in a few years’ time if you’re still interested…” Reiner said quite carefreely like it didn’t concern him at all.
“That can’t be…” I murmured, still shocked and partly in denial.
Just when I thought that I have found the perfect man and we were about to start a perfect family.
“So, do you still want to have my children?” Reiner asked as he stared directly at me from across the table.
Unfortunately, I could no longer give him a straight answer. Reiner chuckled softly as he shook his head and smirked a little my way. That dinner tasted like sand in my mouth. I couldn’t taste anything and had difficulty swallowing my food. Everything that I ate left a rotten taste in my mouth.
…
The morning after, I woke up with even larger and darker circles around my eyes. Last night was worse than the night before the big presentation to King. Being stressed about work paled in comparison with stress from relationship problems. The worst part was that I couldn’t complain about the issue to Reiner and that meant that he couldn’t comfort me to put me to sleep.
After faking my sleep while I waited for Reiner to fall asleep, I spent the entire night laying still on the bed with my eyes opened in the dark as my mind replayed the conversation that we had over dinner over and over in an endless loop. Each time I heard Reiner tell me that he didn’t want children but he was willing to have them, I felt like a small part of me died a little on the inside.
Are we going to end up having children because I wanted them, and he thought that he might as well have them because he had the ‘responsibility’ to have them?
What were you working on until lately, Natalia?
That’s right. Improving agents’ survival rate and success rate on missions. That meant that agents got hurt and killed, right? You’ve seen the statistics. Those agents had parents, right?
You could be one of them. Your children could be one of those agents who lost their lives during these missions. They could get wounded, worst, they could die…
What am I thinking? Before I knew it, my mind had taken me so far down a deep and dark hole that I wasn’t able to climb back up from. It was like I was going through a harsh nightmare although I was still awake. Just like any nightmare that I’ve had before, I couldn’t stop it, and this time, waking up wasn’t an option.
‘Yes, your son will grow up and he’ll be trained to fight and kill. Just like I was…’
Please stop saying things like that…
‘So, do you still want to have my children?’
No matter how hard I tired, I could still hear his voice and see his face when he said that. Suddenly, my head felt like it was spinning, and I started feeling very nauseous. Slowly, I got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. I felt so sick.
“Natalia…?”
I could hear Reiner calling my name softly and I could tell that he was standing right in front of the bathroom door. Reiner was such a light sleeper; I had never managed to get out of bed or do anything major without waking him up in the process.
“I’m fine. I…just needed to pee…” I lied and not so smoothly.
“Ok. Let me know if you need anything…” Reiner replied.
I heaved a silent sigh when I felt his presence retreat from the bathroom door and probably back to the bed. Can you just leave me to cry and be sick in peace, please?
…
What’s the best way to keep murky thoughts at bay? Work your ass off. That was exactly what I did for the days that followed our controversial conversation about having children. Reiner acted the same as always. If anything, he seemed more attentive to my wants and needs as we spent more time together both at home and at work.
Although the meeting that we had with King proceeded smoothly, things only got busier for us at work. Planning things on paper and implementing them were two very different things. Everything that seemed so simple on paper turned out to involve more steps that I had initially imagined. More time was required for tasks that I thought were simple, and as a result, we spent many long nights at the office.
Reiner never mentioned anything about having kids again since that day and I also didn’t want to bring it up. The main reason that I wanted to steer clear of that topic was because I haven’t made up my mind about what I wanted. I could understand why Reiner was so conflicted about this because now that I had a better picture of what reality would be like for our future children, I also felt extremely conflicted.
–To be continued…