Ryan was worried. Olivia hardly spoke these days; all she did was drift around the house like a ghost, mechanically caring for Jack, and sitting in silence with him at meals, barely commenting on anything he said. He asked her repeatedly what was wrong, but all he ever got in return was a distracted “nothing, I’m fine…”
It was hard to pinpoint exactly when things had started to go so wrong between them; about three months after the birth of Jack, and just about the time the pressure at work had started to ramp-up, when he’d needed her the most, Olivia had seemed to start pulling away from him; before Jack was born, Olivia had been her usual self: warm, witty, funny, concerned, interested in him, his day, everything about him.
After the birth, although she’d seemed her old self again, she’d gradually become more withdrawn, silent, almost uncomfortable in his presence, spending all her time either caring for Jack or working out almost constantly in the gym in the basement of the complex they lived in; for some reason she’d become almost obsessed with shedding the already negligible baby weight she’d gained.
More troubling to Ryan was the fact that her libido seemed to have drained-away to nothing; they’d been having incredible, mutually satisfying sex almost right up to the point she was wheeled into the delivery room, but after the eight-week period mandated by the obstetrician, while initially she’d been as receptive and enthusiastic as before, that had begun to tail-off, daily encounters slowly lessening to weekly, then monthly, and finally, nothing for several months now. Any advances he made were rebuffed, politely, but firmly; she was tired, she was busy, she a had a lot on her mind. Lots of reasons, good reasons, but they all added-up to one thing: his Livvie didn’t want him anymore, and he was at a loss to know why.
A year had passed since Jack’s birth, and for Ryan, it had become an annus horribilis, as he watched Olivia, his Livvie, the love of his life, slowly but surely cut herself away from him, and he didn’t know why…
This evening was a case in point. He’d come in from work and slid his arms around her to kiss her, only to have her turn and step away from him, avoiding his attempts to kiss her cheek and making it clear she didn’t want him touching her. Puzzled, hurt, frustrated, for once Ryan lost his cool, and took her wrists, pulling her around to face him.
“What, what have I done? If you tell me what I did, maybe I can fix it! Why are you locking me out like this? What did I do? Livvie, I love you more than anything in the whole world, I always have, why are you pushing me away like this?”
Livvie looked past him, refusing to meet his eyes, her lip quivering, and Ryan thought, even in his moment of hurt and frustration, that he’d never seen her look more beautiful or more desirable.
“Nothing, it’s nothing…” she whispered, and Ryan sighed gustily, not relaxing his hold of her wrists.
“It is something baby-girl, something’s wrong, badly wrong; you ignore me, you drift around like a ghost, you barely speak to me anymore. What’s wrong, Livvie? You’re killing us, Livvie, you’re pushing me away and out of your life. What did I do to you that was so bad you have to throw everything we had away? If you want me to go, I will. Is that what you want? Because I don’t know who you are anymore, and you don’t seem to care whether I’m here or not”
Olivia’s eyes snapped up to meet his, loss, and a momentary spark of anger, before her expression solidified into that expressionless mask he’d been seeing so much lately.
“No, no, Ry, don’t say that! I can’t explain it, you won’t understand, I just can’t … I can’t…”
“Can’t what, Livvie?” he asked her softly.
“I can’t take this all in… all this, a baby, our life, me always alone. You’re never here. Your work is all you need and you don’t need me anymore. You say you love me but I look in your eyes and I can see you’re lying! What happened to you, Ryan? What happened to us? Is it because I’m ugly, and fat, and you don’t need me now, because you’ve got what you always wanted, so you’re done with me, is that it? I tried looking good for you, I did everything I could to make you see me, but you didn’t, it was like I wasn’t even there, you never even noticed me, you ignored me, because I know you’re going to leave me soon. Why can’t you even be honest with me? I thought I earned at least that!”
Ryan stared at her in shock as she broke down, finally beginning to grasp what had been tumbling through her mind all this time, what it was that had been making her withdraw and pull away from him. This was serious; he had to go carefully here. He pulled her in close, his hands on either side of her face, holding her immobile as he looked deep into her eyes.
“Olivia Grainne McLeod, I would never, ever lie to you. There’s only one thing I want in this world, and that’s you; you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Every time I see you, you take my breath away, and all I can think of, first thing in the morning and last thing at night, is you.”
He stroked her cheek, his heart aching at the soft, silky smoothness.
“I want to lie next to you and hold you and kiss you for the rest of our lives, I want to make love to you every chance I get, I want to make babies in you for as long as you’ll have me. All I want, Livvie, baby-girl, is you. Always remember that, the only girl for me was always you, and no-one else, and now I’ve got you, the hordes of Hell are not going to drag me away from you!”
Livvie stared into his eyes, and two big tears welled-up and rolled down her cheeks.
“I don’t believe you Ryan, I don’t believe you, and I don’t trust you!” she whispered. “One day soon you’ll do that thing I know you want to do, you’ll go, and what about me, what about Jack, what about everything you promised me? You meant them once. I believed you and everything you said about us, but now I look at you and all I feel is afraid; every night I’m afraid that’s the night you’ll come home and tell me you’re done, that we’re over, that you’re leaving us with nothing, and there’s nothing I can do to stop you. Please tell me the truth Ryan; you used to, once upon a time, a long time ago, when you still had time for me and you…”
Ryan’s heart broke for the fear and pain he heard in her voice.
“Whatever it takes, whatever it is, we’ll find out how to beat this thing; I love you so much, Livvie, I need you; you’re my world, you always will be, and I need you beside me.”
As he held her, he hugged her close to him, her body stiff and unyielding, her hands clutching at his back like a drowning man clutching a lifeline, and he could feel the tremors in her body as she cried silently. Ryan brushed her hair with his hand, savouring the feel of the silky mane of hair that had once been her pride and joy, while his other arm held her close, the distance that had grown between them echoing and clanging with her pain and feelings of abandonment.
Finally, Livvie pulled away from him, almost wrenching herself away from him, hiding her face as she did so, but Ryan was having none of that, instead gently pulling her face up to his again, and dabbing at her eyes with his handkerchief.
“No, Ry, I look a mess, don’t look at me…” she protested, but Ryan smiled gently and continued dabbing. Even with her eyes reddened and puffy from crying, she was still the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. As he held her close, the hand around her waist slipped down as he steadied himself, and came to rest on her taut, rounded buttock. Livvie’s eyes widened as he involuntarily gave a gentle squeeze, and he immediately withdrew his hand.
“Sorry… sorry, I didn’t mean…” he stuttered, but Olivia smiled at him, the first genuine smile he’d seen in months.
“It’s … OK, Ry, it felt… nice, almost like you meant it again!” she murmured, her stunning green-hazel eyes losing their lacklustre dullness for a split second, before the loss and defeat settled into them again. Ryan looked into her eyes, seeing no belief in him, no trace of the life and sparkle those beautiful eyes had once held for him, and a hollow sickness sank into the pit of his stomach; she was already checked-out, he could see that clearly now; she’d made herself believe he was done with her, and now she was making herself believe she was done with him.
They made no attempt at further intimacy that night, even though he’d held her close; Ryan could see she wasn’t able to respond to him in that way anymore, and to push it any further might push her even further away, and he might never be able to recover what little he had.