Telling Mom and the twins was much easier this time also. The next weekend we drove down to Santa Teresa to Mom’s house then called Mike and Jimmy to come over for a while. After lunch we were sitting around the table talking while all the cousins were outside. There was a lull in the conversation when I spoke.
Mom… guys… Colleen and I have some news to share with you.”
Everyone’s faces were blank for a second, and then began to change. Mike’s face had a questioning look, Jimmy was suspicious and Mom looked panicked. Sharon and Mi Lin glanced for a second at Colleen who was wearing her contented half smile then all three of them broke into huge grins.
“Colleen and I are pleased to announce the impending birth of a new grandchild for Mrs. Margaret O’Conner.”
The statement was a tad overly grandiose but somehow fit the occasion.
Everyone came around the table to hug us with their congratulations except for Mom. She was still sitting down, one elbow on the table, forehead in hand, slowly shaking her head back and forth. At last she raised her head up and looked first at me then to Colleen. She gave us a shrug of her shoulders and a small smile.
“Well, I survived it once; I guess I’ll live through this one too. Just make sure this baby is as good natured as the rest of the kids. The one thing I will not tolerate is an ill tempered grandchild.”
Mom stood and hugged us, then all of the women drifted into the livingroom for an extended session of pregnancy talk. This left Jimmy, Mike and I alone in the kitchen. Mike and Jimmy were standing next to each other, arms crossed, their backsides leaning against the counter. Mike was smiling and Jimmy seemed to be lost in thought, both of them just looking at me. I could stand the silence for only so long before I spoke.
“Hey, don’t everyone talk all at once.”
Mike gave a small laugh then came over and put his arm around my shoulders.
“For a complete nitwit, you’re ok. Don’t let them let them tell you any different.”
There was another pause of silence then Jimmy spoke.
“Bobby, I owe you an apology.”
“Apology? What for?”
“Last year when you and Colleen told us she was pregnant, I thought both of you had lost your minds. Do you remember what I told you at the time?”
“Yeah… something along the line of you would kill me if I ever hurt Colleen.”
“I meant it then and I still mean it, except now it’s different.”
“Different how?”
“Mike and I have been watching you and Colleen since then, especially since Noelle was born. You’re totally incapable of doing anything to hurt her, you love Colleen too much, you always have.”
“What does that mean?”
Mike gave me a gentle slap to the forehead. “Get real! Even when we were little kids the whole world could see that you were in love with Colleen. I think the only people who didn’t see it were Mom and Dad. Colleen couldn’t see it because she was so gaga over you. That’s why we so surprised when she married Bill. You know, sometimes you had such a goofy look on your face when she was around, it was down right embarrassing to admit to people that you were our brother.”
“I think there’s a compliment in there somewhere, I just can’t see it right now, but thanks, I appreciate it.”
There was another moment of silence as we all looked down at the floor, processing our individual thoughts. Jimmy spoke softly without looking up.
“I wish Dad was here, I think he would be very happy about the way things have turned out. You and Colleen were always special to him.” Jimmy raised his head and laughed. “Dad told me one time that he wanted all four of us to have ten kids each so that he and Mom could have a never ending supply of grandkids.”
Mike and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. At the same instant we said the same thing out loud, “I don’t think so.” Still laughing, we went into the livingroom to be with the women we love. As we went through the doorway Jimmy whispered in my ear.
“Just remember what I said, hurt her and I will hunt you down.”
This time, pregnancy was not a new thing for me and it seemed to go by much too fast. I don’t think I am some kind of a pervert, but making love with Colleen when she is pregnant adds a whole new dimension to our lives. I absolutely adore her.
One night after a particularly satisfying session of love, we were lying in bed relaxing before turning off the light to go to sleep. I was lying on my back with Colleen cuddled in my arms. Her head was on my chest with her thigh draped across my legs, her ever expanding stomach firmly held against my hip. Her hand was slowly rubbing my chest at the same time that I was stroking her back.
I could tell by her body language that Colleen was thinking about something so I wasn’t going to disturb her until she was ready to share it with me.
“Bobby, can I ask you something?”
“Of course cutie, what do you want to know?”
Colleen’s face had that same furrowed brow frown that I had seen countless times on the girls when they were trying to get their courage up to say something.
“Do you ever think about us?”
“Of course I do. I think about you all the time.”
“No, not me… us.”
“What do you mean?”
Colleen sat up and looked down at me. “I mean do you think about us, you and me together, as a couple?”
I sat up and looked at Colleen. “What is there to think about?”
“Well for one thing there is the fact that we are brother and sister. We had a baby together and we’re about to have another. This is California, not Arkansas, but I’m pretty sure that this is illegal in all fifty states. Does it ever bother you?”
“Oh, the incest thing.” I paused to get my thoughts in order because it was important that I get it right the first time.
“You’re going to have to bear with me because I really don’t know if I can explain this so anyone can understand it.” Colleen sat waiting and listening.
“That night of our first date, and then that whole weekend, I didn’t think about it at all. But after Meghan and Molly came home, that was all I could think about. Do you remember what you said about us having separate bedrooms?”
“I told you that I couldn’t stand not having you in bed with me every night.”
“Right, and I feel the same way. You also said when we started this that it was for the long haul, and you were right. You mean the world to me and I would die inside if we couldn’t be together as partners.”
I leaned over and kissed her on the nose.
“Look, we were grown ups when we got going. It’s not like we didn’t know what was happening; we had both been married before. And it’s not like some sick adult taking advantage of an innocent child… well, you are older than me so it’s all your fault and I’m totally blameless here.”
I smiled at her, she stuck her tongue out at me and muttered, “blameless my ass.”
“So, do I think about us? Yes, all the time. Do I think about us being brother and sister? No, I don’t. I only think about how much I love you and how empty my life would be without you.”
Colleen’s head was bent down as she listened, her finger drawing slow lazy circles on my leg as she thought.
“I feel the same way Bobby, but sometimes I wonder if we’re doing the right thing.”
“It’s not a question of right or wrong, it just is. I know that to other people it might seem weird and all, but I’ve never felt that anything was so meant to be as this, you and me. Under other circumstances, our lives might have gone down a different path, but things are the way they are. When I moved here from Chicago, if Bill were still alive, or Barbara hadn’t done what she did, would we have still ended up in a relationship like this? I doubt it but you can’t tell because there is no way to change the past. Bill died and Barbara did it. I am not going to spend the rest of my life playing the ‘what if’ game. The only thing that matters is that I love you and you love me. And there are three little girls right down the hall that we both love just as much. It’s called family.”
I reached over and stroked Colleen’s belly.
“And I can’t wait to meet the next member of our family.”
Colleen reached up and placed her open palm against my cheek.
“I love you so much Bobby… sometimes I wonder… if I really loved Bill at all?”
I pulled Colleen close and held her tight.
“I have no doubt that you loved Bill, I could see it in your eyes everytime you looked at him. And he loved you, that’s why I liked him so much myself, because he was good for you. You can’t compare your love for Bill with your love for me; it’s a different time, different place.”
Colleen was quiet then whispered her biggest question of the night.
“Do you ever think about Barbara?”
I took my time before answering. I knew that Colleen was feeling extremely vulnerable right then and if I wasn’t careful, I could hurt her very badly.
“When I first got here from Chicago that was all I could think about. But you, with a lot of help from Meghan and Molly, showed me that there is another life out there in the world. That I not only could, but would, live through everything and find a different happiness. Once I understood that, she just faded away from my memory. The answer to your question is no, I don’t thank about Barbara. In fact I surprise myself sometimes when I realize that I was married before. It’s almost like it was a story I read in a book a long time ago. It was something that happened to a fictional character, not to me.”
I could tell that Colleen needed more reassurance from me so I continued.
“I loved Barbara very much when we got married; there is no escaping that fact. But that love no longer exists. That love is gone just a much as Bill is gone. They have both died and they are never coming back. You and I have been released to continue living our lives in the here and now, not somewhere in the past.”
“Do you think you should have stayed in Chicago and tried to work things out with her? Talked to her, at least let her tell you why she did it?”
“No, I don’t, there would be no point in that. It’s like this. If a drunk walks out of a bar, gets behind the wheel of a car, then drives sixty miles an hour down the street and kills a small child in the intersection, no matter what the drunk says, or explains, the child is still dead. The driver knew the possible consequences before he got drunk, but he made the choice to drink and drive anyway. For him to try and justify anything and hide behind some lame excuse that he was impaired by alcohol does not change the fact that the child is dead.”