“Girls, meet you new sister, Noelle Rose O’Conner.”
Meghan and Molly were literally shaking from excitement, their smiles as wide as it was possible to stretch. Patricia was studying Noelle’s face intently and then whispered, “she looks just like Aunt Colleen…’cept no hair.”
Mom pulled up a chair to the side of the bed. She gently took the baby from Colleen and sat down. Meghan, now age eight, Molly, seven and Patricia, three years old, crowded around her and continued to watch the baby up close as she slept. Mom studied the three girls that surrounded her and then the baby before raising her head. She had that contented half smile that she and Colleen share and said, “When it comes to making babies, my kids do a pretty good job.”
Everyone took turns holding Noelle for at least a few minutes. Even Patricia got a chance when she sat in Sharon’s lap and Sharon helped her hold the tiny bundle tightly wrapped in the blanket.
Jimmy and Mike showed up at the hospital just after lunch and the nurse told us that everyone would have to visit in shifts because the room was too crowded. As the sun was going down, Jimmy, Mike, Sharon and Patricia got ready to head back to Santa Teresa. Mi Lin had stayed behind to watch all of the cousins and get everything ready for the Christmas dinner. Colleen got a hug from Mike and Jimmy and Noelle got a tickle under the chin and kiss on the forehead. I got a handshake and a slap on the back. As he left the room Jimmy said, “It’s a good thing she looks like Colleen and not you, otherwise the poor kid would never get a date when she grows up.”
Colleen was getting tired so Mom took Meghan and Molly home to have dinner and get some sleep. Colleen and Noelle could come home the next day as soon as the pediatrician had checked Noelle and given the seal of approval. Mom was going to stay with us for a few days to help out until Colleen was back up to speed. Everyone tried to get me to go home and get some rest but I was adamant. Ever since our first date, Colleen and I had not spent one single night apart and that was not about to change.
I sat in the chair next to the bed holding Noelle. Colleen lay on her side watching us and softly talking to me until she slowly closed her eyes and went to sleep. Holding my daughter close to me, I felt emotions that I had never experienced before or even dreamed were possible.
I suppose they were the same emotions that my father had felt when his children were born. They were feelings of intense love and awe at the wonder that I held in my hands. I knew that I would lay down my life to protect this tiny life from the evil that is out there in the world. I looked over at Colleen and watched her breathing, thinking, “Good Lord, she even smiles in her sleep.”
It was as if someone had slapped me awake from a deep sleep and everything became crystal clear to me. Looking at Colleen and Noelle I suddenly understood what the word family meant. All of the things that my father had said to us as children about family being the most important part of a person’s life came rushing back to me. I had to smile and finally accepted that maybe Dad knew what he was talking about after all.
I will let you in on a dirty little secret. There is another emotion that all guys feel, and if you confront them, they will deny it.
The first time we hold our newborn child, we are scared shitless.
We are afraid that somehow we will fail as fathers, that we will do something that will screw up our child’s life. I was almost trembling from this combination of love and fear that were raging inside me when Noelle opened her eyes. She looked at me with an expression that said, “It’s ok Dad, you can do this,” then closed her eyes and went back to sleep. After that I calmed down and knew that once again my life had made a major shift and that it was all for the good.
Eventually the nurse came to take Noelle back to the nursery. She advised me to get some sleep while I still could. It wasn’t until later after we got home from the hospital that I could appreciate what she was telling me. As the nurse left and closed the door, I reached over to hold Colleen’s hand.
She slowly opened her eyes and whispered, “hey sweetie.”
“Hey yourself.”
Colleen gave me her half smile and asked, “Have I told you today that I love you?”
“Not yet, you were kind of busy earlier.”
“Oh yeah, that whole giving birth thing… I love you.”
“I love you too. Noelle is beautiful.”
“I know.” With that she squeezed my hand as her eyelids drifted shut and went back to sleep.
I sat next to her, again just watching her breathe as she slept. This was all new to me, unexplored territory. The only thing that equaled my love for Colleen was my love for Noelle. I should have experienced this a year ago, but Barbara had ripped that away from me and left my life in shambles. It was my sister Colleen, along with Meghan and Molly that had helped me glue the pieces of my life back together. Eventually I leaned forward and lay my head on the bed next to Colleen’s and fell asleep.
I felt movement on the bed and could sense daylight through my closed eyelids. I got one eye open and started to sit up when my back rejected that notion. I struggled to get my spinal column into a straight line when I saw Colleen sitting on the side of the bed watching, trying not to laugh. With great difficulty I got my legs to unfold and stood up. Colleen hopped off the bed and came over to put her arms around my waist.
“You should have gone home and gotten a decent night’s sleep.”
“No… I’m fine… I’m ok… except… I… I can’t feel… my left foot.”
Colleen patted me on the check and said, “Poor baby.” This was followed with a quick hug and a kiss.
“Why don’t you go downstairs to the cafeteria and get yourself something to eat. Just be back by 8:30, that’s when the pediatrician starts her rounds. We should be able to get out of here by noontime.”
As I headed out the door I heard her call out, “And bring me some coffee…”
Down in the cafeteria I sat and had a muffin and a glass of milk while I finished waking up, getting the rest of the kinks out of my body from sleeping in the chair all night. I grabbed two coffees and headed back to Colleen’s room to wait for Noelle’s release so we could go home. I stepped into the room and stood there like the village idiot with my mouth hanging open.
There are times when you already know what to expect and have done all the mental preparation that you possibly can and yet when the event actually happens, you’re still left dazed and confused.
This was one of those moments.
Colleen was sitting in the chair at the side of the bed with the front of her gown open. She held Noelle to her chest, nursing at her breast.
Of course I had seen other women breast feeding their children, but this was different. This was my sister Colleen, my best friend, nursing our daughter. I stood there spellbound, drinking in the sight, totally incapable of speech. Reaching out her hand, Colleen smiled at me and spoke of the only thing on her mind at that moment.
“Give me that coffee before I die.”
It was a good thing that I had put lids on the paper coffee cups because the way that my hands were shaking, I would have scalded Noelle as I handed the cup to Colleen. Colleen knew instantly what was going through my mind at that moment.
“Relax, you’re going to do fine.”
“That’s easy for you to say, you’ve already done this twice before. This fatherhood thing is leaving me a little shaky. What if I drop her on her head or something?”
Colleen laughed, “That’s a chance we’ll just have to take.”
Moments later the pediatrician walked in and said good morning to everyone. She was Meghan and Molly’s pediatrician and looked more like someone’s grandmother than a highly trained doctor. Colleen had told me months before that she was the best in the county if not the state and she immediately put my mind at ease. She lay Noelle in the hospital bassinet and opened the blanket that was tightly wrapped around her. She began to gently poke and prod different parts of Noelle’s body and listened with the stethoscope. She laughed when Noelle smiled in her sleep.
“Ok, ten fingers and ten toes, got a great start there.” She wrote something on small business card and handed it to Colleen. “Call the office and get an appointment for a one week check up. She’s a beautiful baby and she’s going to break a lot of hearts when she turns sixteen. Now you people get out of here and enjoy what’s left of Christmas.”
I called Mom at the house while Colleen was taking care of all the paperwork to leave. We walked out of the hospital at the same time that Mom drove up to the sidewalk in Colleen’s car. I was holding Noelle as Mom hopped out of the car, walked around and opened the door to the back seat. I stood there staring at Mom and then at the infant car seat that was sitting on the seat. Finally Mom pointed to Noelle then at the car seat. Colleen and Mom began laughing as they watched me struggle to figure out how to strap Noelle in to the car seat. At last Colleen pulled me back and went up on her toes to give me a kiss.
“You really are new at this. Don’t worry, we’ll get you trained in no time.”
We got back to the house just before lunchtime. The teen-aged girl from across the street had been recruited to watch Meghan and Molly while Mom had come to pick us up at the hospital. She was quick to let us know that she had a lot experience babysitting infants and was always available at a reasonable price. Colleen immediately got her telephone number and told her that we would definitely be calling her in the future.