I couldn’t breathe. The room felt like it was closing in on me, the walls pressing in tighter and tighter, and there was no escape. Everything felt wrong. Nothing made sense anymore. My heart ached, my mind was spinning, and I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. I needed to escape. I needed to make it stop, but I couldn’t.
Why was this happening? Why couldn’t I find Ethan? Why couldn’t I just wake up from this nightmare and have everything be okay again?
I wiped my tears away, but they just kept coming, unstoppable. I had no control over my body, over my mind. It was like a storm was brewing inside me, and I couldn’t calm it. The pain, the fear, the guilt-they were all too much. I couldn’t take it.
“Where are you, Ethan?” I whispered to myself, my voice shaky. “Why aren’t you here?”
The hospital room around me seemed distant, like it wasn’t even real. I could hear the faint beeping of the machines, the rustling of papers, the muffled voices outside my door, but none of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was that my son, my baby, was gone. And no one could tell me where he was. No one could fix this.
I got up from the bed and stumbled to the small table in the corner. My hands were shaking uncontrollably, but I couldn’t stop. I reached for anything, anything I could grab, and tossed it across the room. The tools clattered loudly against the floor, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to make the noise inside my head stop.
“Why is my life so miserable?” I shouted, my voice breaking. My chest heaved with sobs, and I dropped to my knees, my hands clutching my hair. I felt so small, so weak, so lost. I was nothing without Ethan. He was everything to me. And now I couldn’t even protect him.
I pulled at my hair, tugging and twisting, desperate for some kind of release. “This isn’t fair! Why is this happening to me? I didn’t do anything to deserve this!”
Tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision. I was shaking so hard, I thought I might collapse, but I couldn’t stop. The pain was too much. It hurt so badly, I couldn’t think straight.
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this,” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “How much longer can I hold on when everything is falling apart?”
I turned to the bed, my eyes locking on the empty space where Ethan should have been. The bed was cold and empty, just like my heart. The silence in the room was suffocating. I wanted to scream, but no sound came out. All I could hear was the overwhelming roar of my own thoughts, my own fears.
What if I never see him again? What if he’s gone for good?
I curled up into a ball on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. The room spun around me, and I felt dizzy. I tried to focus, tried to calm myself down, but my mind wouldn’t stop. Where are you, Ethan? Why aren’t you here? I kept asking over and over, but I didn’t have the answers.
The door to the room creaked open, but I didn’t hear it. I didn’t even look up. I was too lost in my own misery, too deep in the darkness of my thoughts.
“Emma,” a voice called softly. It was Rachel. “Emma, you need to calm down.”
I ignored her, pulling my knees tighter against my chest. “Calm down?” I repeated, almost laughing, though it sounded more like a sob. “How can I calm down? My son is missing, Rachel! My son is out there somewhere, and I can’t find him. I’m losing my mind!”
I could hear Rachel’s footsteps approaching, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I was too far gone. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, and nothing made sense anymore. The fear, the guilt-it was all consuming. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything but fall deeper into the hole that seemed to be swallowing me whole.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to myself, my voice barely audible. “I’m sorry, Ethan. I failed you. I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve protected you.”
Tears flowed down my cheeks, and my breath became ragged. I was gasping for air, but it felt like the walls were closing in tighter with each passing second. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t escape. The weight of the world was pressing down on me, and I couldn’t push it away.
Rachel knelt down beside me, her hand gently resting on my shoulder. “Emma, please. You need to stop. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You’re breaking.”
I felt her hand on my shoulder, but it didn’t help. It only made me feel more isolated, more alone. “I don’t care,” I muttered through gritted teeth. “I don’t care if I’m breaking. I can’t live with this. I can’t live with the thought of losing him.”
Rachel didn’t say anything at first. She just sat there, letting me cry, letting me fall apart. I didn’t deserve her sympathy. I didn’t deserve anyone’s help. I was failing Ethan, and nothing anyone could say would change that.
“Emma,” Rachel finally said, her voice soft but firm, “you’re not alone. You’ve never been alone. You have people who love you, who want to help you. We’re not giving up on Ethan, and we’re not giving up on you.”
I shook my head, still unable to look at her. “I don’t deserve your help. I don’t deserve anyone. I’m just a failure. I should’ve done more. I should’ve protected him. But now… now I might never see him again.”
Rachel didn’t respond right away. She just sat there beside me, her hand still on my shoulder, her presence the only thing that kept me tethered to reality.
The room fell into a heavy silence, and for a long moment, all I could hear was the sound of my own sobs, the uncontrollable shaking of my body. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to make the pain stop.
I felt like I was breaking into a million pieces, and no one could put me back together. My body trembled as the tears came harder, faster, unstoppable. Where is he? Why is this happening to me? The questions swirled in my mind, a constant loop of confusion and despair.
And then, slowly, Rachel spoke again, her voice quiet but unwavering. “You’re strong, Emma. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are. You’ve made it through so much. You can make it through this too. We will find Ethan. We won’t stop. But you need to hold on. You need to stay with us.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know how,” I whispered, my voice barely audible.
“You don’t have to do it alone,” Rachel said, her words gentle but firm. “We’ll find a way. We’ll get through this together. But you have to hold on. For Ethan. For you.”
I didn’t respond, but I could hear the sincerity in her voice. I wasn’t alone. But it didn’t change how I felt. I still felt lost. I still felt like I was drowning in my own sorrow.
The silence stretched on, and I stayed there on the floor, my body wracked with sobs. I didn’t know how to stop the pain. I didn’t know how to stop the fear. But Rachel was there. And even if I couldn’t feel it, I knew she wouldn’t give up on me. Not yet.
Maybe, just maybe, I could hold on a little longer. Maybe, just maybe, we could find Ethan. But for now, all I could do was cry, and hope that somewhere, somehow, my son was safe.