SEBASTIAN’S POV
I lay beside Sasha, still catching my breath after the storm of emotions and sensations that had flooded over us. The room felt warmer now, more intimate in the silence that surrounded us.
The only sounds were the soft rustle of the sheets as I shifted, my hand reaching out to brush her hair away from her face.
She looked exhausted, but content-her eyes closed, lips slightly parted, a small, satisfied smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
It was moments like these when I couldn’t help but feel the weight of everything around me-the danger, the secrecy, the life I had built for myself-and wonder how long I could keep up the act.
I glanced at her once more before pushing myself off the bed, my legs still shaky. She was half-spent on the sheets, her skin still warm from our shared intensity.
The feeling of it all was overwhelming. My hands trembled slightly as I grabbed a towel, then began to clean myself off, still haunted by the thoughts I couldn’t shake.
As I moved to clean her up, I hesitated for a second, unsure if I should even try.
Sasha was so much more than I had ever expected or deserved-she was my anchor, my safe place, the one thing in this world that still felt pure. I didn’t want to taint that, not with the life I led.
But she deserved more than that. She deserved my honesty, even if it made my chest ache to admit it.
I gently wiped the towel over her skin, moving carefully so as not to disturb her too much.
Her eyelids fluttered slightly, then opened, revealing those familiar, deep eyes-eyes that saw right through me, saw all of my cracks and flaws and still chose to stay.
“Sebastian…” she whispered, her voice soft, still heavy with the remnants of what we’d just shared. “You don’t have to do this.”
I gave her a faint smile, one that didn’t reach my eyes. “I want to. You’ve done more for me than anyone else ever has. It’s the least I can do.”
Sasha sat up slowly, propping herself on her elbow. Her gaze was intense now, focusing entirely on me.
I could see the concern there, something I hadn’t expected to feel again. Not after everything we had been through.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her voice quieter now, more serious. “You’ve been quiet… distant. I don’t want you to hide from me, not now, not ever.”
I paused, wiping the towel over my hands before tossing it aside.
The silence between us stretched, and in that moment, I knew she was waiting for me to open up. Waiting for me to give her something she could hold onto.
Sasha was right, as always. I couldn’t hide behind walls of bravado forever. I had spent too much time trying to bury my doubts, my fears, all the weight that came with the life I led-the life that, for too long, had seemed inevitable.
I sat down beside her, my head hanging low. The words were caught in my throat, tangled with everything I was trying to keep buried.
“I visited my father today,” I started, my voice low, raw.
“I… I don’t know what I expected, but I left feeling worse than before.”
Sasha’s fingers brushed mine, her touch grounding me in a way nothing else could. “What happened? What did he say?”
I let out a deep breath, rubbing the back of my neck. “Nothing, really. It was just the usual-him trying to guilt-trip me into taking on more of his tasks. More of his dirty work.” I paused, struggling to find the words.
“And every time he gives me something to do, it’s like a weight around my chest. The guilt eats at me.”
“I can’t even focus when I’m carrying out those tasks anymore. I keep thinking about the people I hurt, the lives I ruined… all for him.”
I heard Sasha’s breath hitch beside me, but she didn’t say anything. She just let me speak, giving me space to open up, even though I knew it was difficult for her to hear.
“I hate it,” I continued, my voice cracking.
“I hate what I’ve become. I hate that he’s the one pulling the strings, making me do things that make my skin crawl.”
“I don’t even know who I am anymore. And I keep thinking… if I just walk away, if I could leave it all behind, maybe I could live a life where I don’t feel so… filthy.”
Sasha was silent for a long time, and I could feel her studying me, trying to understand the depth of what I was saying.
I looked over at her, and in her eyes, I saw something I hadn’t expected compassion, concern, and, oddly enough, strength. The strength to help me through this, even if I hadn’t asked for it.
She took my hand in hers, her fingers warm against my skin. “You don’t have to do this anymore, Sebastian,” she said softly.
“You don’t have to carry this weight on your shoulders forever. You’ve been living in the shadow of your father for so long that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to have your own life, your own choices.”
I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat growing. I wanted to believe her, wanted to believe that I could leave everything behind and just walk away.
But it wasn’t that simple. The life I had, the people I’d become involved with-it wasn’t something you could just throw away.
“But I’ve built this life, Sasha,” I said, my voice quieter now, filled with uncertainty.
“I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am. And leaving it all behind… I don’t even know what that would look like. Who would I be without it?”
“You would be yourself,” Sasha said firmly. “The man I fell in love with. The man you used to be before all of this took over.” Her eyes met mine, steady and unwavering.
“You’re not your father. You don’t have to follow his path. You can choose your own.”
Her words were like a balm, soothing the burning questions in my mind, but they didn’t completely erase the fear that lingered.
Fear that if I left it all behind, I wouldn’t be able to make it. Fear that I wasn’t strong enough to forge a new life for myself-one where I wasn’t constantly looking over my shoulder.
“I’m so tired, Sasha,” I whispered, my voice barely audible.
“Tired of pretending like I’m okay. Tired of living in constant fear of what will happen next. Tired of hurting people to protect the life my father built for me.”
Sasha squeezed my hand, her thumb tracing the lines of my palm in a comforting rhythm. “You don’t have to do this alone,” she said, her voice thick with emotion.
“You have me. And if you want to walk away from all of this… I’ll be right here, beside you, every step of the way.”
I let out a shuddering breath, the weight in my chest lifting ever so slightly. I didn’t have all the answers, and I didn’t know if I was brave enough to take that step.
But one thing was clear to me now-Sasha was right. I didn’t have to carry this burden on my own anymore.
“I just… I don’t want to live like this anymore,” I said, the words finally spilling out.
“I want to leave. I want a life with you, away from all of this. Somewhere quiet, somewhere we can just be… us.”
Sasha’s eyes softened, her face full of understanding. “Then we’ll do that,” she said, a gentle smile tugging at her lips. “We’ll figure it out together. One day at a time.”
For the first time in what felt like forever, I allowed myself to believe in the possibility of something better. Something beyond the life I had known, beyond the darkness that had consumed me for so long.
I leaned over and kissed her, a soft, tender kiss that spoke volumes. When we pulled away, I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted, even if just a little.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen,” I promised her, my voice steady now.
“To leave it all behind and build a future with you.”
Sasha smiled, her eyes filled with hope. “We’ll build it together.”
And for the first time in a long while, I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, there was a way out of the life I had known-a way to find peace, and to find it with her.