Laura and Peter’s eyes drifted from Diana to me in a split second. From the sad look in their eyes I could tell that they had witnessed, to an extent, the panic attacks, and that they felt sorry for me. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be someone to be felt sorry for.
A sudden anger mixed with irritation arose in me, and I just didn’t want to sit on the floor again, I just didn’t want to sit in the same room with them; I needed some air-damn the suspicions it might raise. If worse comes to worse, I resolved to tell them all about it, all about my near experience with the afterlife.
My hand shaking started again, but I was having none of it. I bit my lips hard till it drew blood, till my hands stopped shaking. I soughed deeply, gingerly getting on my feet, and making the walk that led me out of the room, not minding that I was the center of attention.
When I got outside, I took a deep breath in, wondering which way to go from here. I could hear Laura asking Diana about the details of the panic attacks, but Diana maintained an evasive stance.
For a moment there, I had thought that the little girl would give up my secret, but she didn’t. She only said: ‘I think that what is happening might be because she is from the pack.’
Peter agreed too, but Laura was silent; only for a few seconds however. “I will go talk to her. She needs my help, even though she will not admit it. It seems you will be farming alone this morning, Peter.”
And then I heard her footsteps. I knew she was heading toward me.
I thought of running, of hiding, of avoiding this topic, but then she was right beside me, asking for a walk, before I could make up my mind.
“Do you mind going for a walk around our property? The air is so nice.”
I nodded, startled a nano second later, when she took my hand in hers and started to walk in the direction of the farm.
“I know the last thing you need now is someone feeling sorry for you; I saw that in your eyes. But Maya, we are your family now, and I hope you find us less irritating, over the fact that we are concerned about you. I can’t say that I really know how you feel, or understand what you are going through, but I am asking that you give us a chance.” Laura started, our hands still entangled, as we strolled past Peter’s farm.
I opened my mouth to apologize, to tell her that my anger hadn’t been directed toward them, but she paused in her movements, and placed a finger on my lips.
“Let me finish, Maya. I have a lot to say.”
All this she did in a second. Her speed might not compare with a werewolf’s but it was impressive. Magic really had perks.
“I might not know your past, Maya. Heck, I don’t even know it at all! I don’t know how you came to lie half dead at the community’s borderlines, but I want you to know that I am here for you now. I have been watching you since you joined my family, and I have seen you struggle with pain, hidden pain. I have seen that in your beautiful eyes. But…” Laura paused here as if seeking the right way to put her thoughts into words.
“But witnessing your panic attacks was an entirely new experience. It was as if I had been granted a glimpse into the depths of your pain, and it left me with a mix of emotions. At first when I saw you battling with the crisis, I felt a sense of helplessness. Seeing you in the throes of a panic attack was distressing, Maya. I wasn’t aware that you were so close to my heart, that you meant so much to my family. The rapid heartbeat, the shallow breaths, and the look of fear in your eyes were all too strange to me. I wished desperately that I could take away your pain, that I could shield you from the memories that haunted you. But I knew of course that the healing was a journey you have to undertake on your own.” She let out a breath here, smiling sadly when she saw a tear slip from my eyes. But she wasn’t done making me an emotional mess.
“As the panic attacks continued, my feelings shifted to concern. I worried about the toll they were taking on your well-being. The attacks seemed to drain you, leaving you physically and emotionally exhausted. I wanted to be there for you, to offer comfort and support, but I also recognized the importance of self admission of help in navigating through the aftermath of trauma. Empathy washed over me as I tried to put myself in your shoes. I’m not sure what you faced, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you had been betrayed.”
I squatted then, and disengaged my hands from hers, needing to cover my mouth when I cried. Betrayed. Was it too obvious?
Laura kept on speaking, whilst standing before me.
“And so, I imagined the betrayal and the pain you had endured, and it broke my heart. I understood that your panic attacks were a natural response to the trauma you had experienced. Maya, I want to be a source of strength, to provide a safe space where you could express your feelings without judgment or fear. I hope you can allow me that.”
I was nodding like a lizard to her request, but she kept on speaking.
“In the midst of my concern though, I also felt a deep admiration for your resilience. Despite the darkness that threatens to consume you, you continue to fight, to seek healing and reclaim your life. When you woke from your coma and sought to walk around, I knew you were a fighter. I saw the determination in your eyes, the unwavering spirit that refused to be defined by the ugly events of the past. It inspired me and always reminded me of the strength that resided within you.”
Laura squatted beside me now, her hands finding heaven around my shoulders, as she drew me close to her.
“I decided then and there, watching you squirm and spasm, that I would get more educated about panic attacks and trauma. I have knowledge on them of course, but I will do more. I will read more books, I will attend conferences in the neighboring magic communities if necessary, and seek guidance from mental health professionals. Anything to get the knowledge that will allow me to better understand what you are going through and how I can be a supportive presence in her life. Because if it were my daughter, Diana, I would do the same. I would do the same for Peter too. You are family, Maya. Remember that.”
I screamed into my hands, sitting down on the grass, allowing Laura to hold me to herself. She let me cry into her clothes like a mother would, like my mother would. But she still wasn’t done.
“Above all, Maya, I have come to feel a deep sense of love for you. I cherish our friendship and so I want nothing more than to see you heal and find peace. I know that it would be a long and challenging journey, but I am committed to standing by your side every step of the way. My family and I. Witnessing your panic attacks, Maya, was a humbling experience for me. It showed me of the compassion I had for you that I hadn’t realized. I am sure it will deepen our bond, as we navigate the complexities of healing together. I know that I can’t erase your pain, but I can be a steadfast presence, offering a shoulder to lean on and a hand to hold.” She concluded, tapping me gently in rhythm at my back. It produced a soothing feeling that calmed me.
I waited till my tear shedding was over before hugging her. I hugged her tightly to myself, before I could stop myself, before I could think better of it. Even though the goddess had watched silently while I had been beaten to death, she had been faithful enough to let me wake and live in the hands of a better family.
I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had been dropped with Dim and Lourdes, or even at the palace. I shuddered unconsciously at the thought. I would have been a wreckage.
“Thanks Laura for everything, I owe you one.” I said, smiling softly, when she kissed my forehead.
We were standing now, having gotten up from the floor after the right hug. Yes, Laura was tall, a good foot taller than me, tall and beautiful. I felt like a daughter in her arms now-she was hugging me again-I felt safe. I knew she had meant what she had said, I knew that she would help me heal.
“From your attack, it is possible that you will begin to recover your memories step by step. I hope you can find a way to trust me with them, no matter how ugly they are.” She cited, as we began to walk back toward the house.
I nodded, biting my lips. I so much wanted to tell Laura that I have had my memories all this time, so that I could tell her Diana’s secret while asking her to keep it a secret, since I felt stressed about the matter. But if I did so, would she be able to stop it? Diana’s devotion to the Queen and the palace classes? Wouldn’t that make Diana hate her parents and me especially?
I shook my head. It was not the right time yet, or so I had thought.