I have a session with Dr. Meghan today. Sometimes, we discuss things, even if they aren’t necessarily traumatic for me. There are times when we talk about the challenging moments in my life, and other times, we focus on happier ones. Perhaps the only topic we haven’t explored yet is my childhood.
I’ve given my counselor some background information about my childhood. Like others, I went through a difficult period after my mother’s death, when my father hurt me. That’s all I’ve shared with Dr. Meghan so far. Prior to that, I hadn’t revealed much because, to be honest…
“You look so much better, Millie. You seem really happy now, and your smile is radiant. The last time we spoke, you were stressed because of your husband. I assume you’ve resolved things?”
“Yes, absolutely!” I replied with a cheerful tone. In fact, our relationship has improved. I also found out that Gio feels the same way as I do. Whenever I think about that, my smile never fades.
Gio is waiting outside the room where I have my sessions with Dr. Meghan. He’s accompanying me today because he didn’t have work.
“Great! Now, I was thinking… maybe we can talk about your childhood, Millie. I’ve heard almost everything from you, and I’ve provided advice on most of it. There’s just one part we haven’t discussed yet: your childhood before your mom’s death. Is it okay with you?”
I nodded but couldn’t deny my nervousness.
“Alright, you mentioned that your father began to hurt you after your mother’s death. Why did she pass away again?”
I started to feel a weight in my chest, and my anxiety grew.
“My father said she died because of an illness.”
The counselor nodded. “Okay, what illness did your mother have? While she was still alive, did your father treat you well? Did he never hurt you? I just need to know the root of it all, why your father’s behavior suddenly changed.”
As I pondered, I noticed my whole body trembling. I tried to steady myself by holding my hand, thinking it would stop me from shaking, but it didn’t work. I was still shivering.
“I… I can’t remember,” I stammered. That’s when it dawned on me why couldn’t I remember anything before my mother’s death? If not for a few photos she left behind, I might have even forgotten what she looked like.
I tried again to recall, but my anxiety only intensified.
“I don’t remember anything before that,” I admitted. You could see the fear on my face. The happiness I had felt vanished because of that question. This was probably why I kept avoiding discussing my childhood; I couldn’t remember much. It was as if my memories were blocked, and my mind refused to remind me.
“Okay, calm down. Breathe in and out. Good.” I followed Dr. Meghan’s instructions, and I started to calm down as she guided me. However, my fear remained.
“I have a few more questions-”
“Can Gio accompany me, please? Maybe my nervousness will decrease if he’s with me.”
Dr. Meghan agreed to my request. I felt that having Gio by my side would ease my anxiety. I’ve grown accustomed to him always being there for me. Even though I might be physically strong, I’ll never be emotionally and mentally strong. But I’ll manage. I’m not the same Millie I used to be; many things have changed. Some memories and experiences are just impossible to escape.
Gio entered the room and immediately looked at me. When he saw my distressed expression, he approached me.
“What happened?” He sat down beside me. I couldn’t speak and just hugged him, needing to calm down first. “Why are you trembling?” I could hear the concern in his voice. I felt even more at ease as Gio’s hand gently caressed my back.
“I don’t remember it,” I said while holding onto Gio. “The memories before my mother’s death, I don’t remember them.”
My counselor allowed me to regain my composure before speaking again.
“You know, the brain has this ability to forget memories that may be traumatic for us; let’s say it’s a way to protect us from them. So, maybe before your mother’s death, something unpleasant happened to you. What was the illness your mother passed away from, Millie?”
I shook my head. “I can’t remember. Papa didn’t say. All I recall is that Mama died from an illness.”
I looked up at Dr. Meghan as though I’d suddenly realized something.
“What I’m saying is that the impact of your mother’s death on you may have been so significant that your mind is deliberately hiding some of your memories.”
I wasn’t entirely convinced by Dr. Meghan’s explanation, but I didn’t voice my doubts because part of me hated to admit that we might be thinking along the same lines.
By the end of the session, I was somewhat detached from reality. If Gio hadn’t been holding me, I might have broken down again.
“Mr. Locatelli?”
We paused in our exit from the room as my counselor called Gio.
“Can I talk to you?”
Gio looked at me, and I smiled at him. I said my goodbyes to both of them and left the room.
I heaved a sigh of relief. There are some memories that, no matter how hard you try to avoid them, keep coming back to haunt you.
Their conversation didn’t take long. Gio left the room.
“Let’s go home.”
I wanted to know what they talked about, but I had a feeling that I already knew, so I didn’t ask.
We paid a visit to Sienna. My father was there, and whenever I looked at him, I felt an urge to talk to him. But I was also afraid. Papa often spoke with Gio, and he seemed delighted with my husband. Who wouldn’t be? Thanks to Gio, our company quickly turned around from the brink of bankruptcy.
We went back home, and I headed straight to our bedroom. Gio probably noticed my silence, but he let me be. I needed this solitude because my mind was filled with so many thoughts.
As I lay down to sleep, Gio held me from behind, and I kept my hand on his, wanting to feel his presence. I needed to reassure myself that I wasn’t alone.
“Gio, what did you and Dr. Meghan talk about earlier?” I asked, unable to bear the silence any longer.
I felt his warm breath on the nape of my neck.
“Don’t think about it. Nothing important-”
“Is she also considering that maybe… the abuse from my father didn’t start when Mama died? He might have been hurting me-or us-even before my mother’s death. There’s also a possibility that my father was harming Mama, and it wasn’t an illness that caused her death, but something my father did to her.” I moved and faced Gio. The room was dark, but I could still see his face. “Is that what Dr. Meghan is thinking too? Because, to be honest, that’s what crossed my mind. I don’t remember what kind of illness my mother had before she passed away. Maybe what Papa said about her being sick was just something he made up to avoid suspicion.”
I’d been haunted by this thought for a while now. Could it be possible? The traumatic experience my counselor referred to was me witnessing my father beating my mother and me. Perhaps he was also hurting Mama back then.
The thought was enough to make me tremble.