While I had hesitated earlier about following him into the study room, I decided to go now.
I knocked on the door before opening it. Gio’s dark eyes greeted me. He was just sitting in his swivel chair, watching me enter. I closed the door and walked closer to him.
Gio didn’t say anything. He didn’t scold me for being here or reprimand me for what had happened earlier. He simply watched me in silence.
“Sorry about earlier. I went to the mall. I bought some patches for my body pain. I saw Marion, and I felt sorry for him, so I helped. But it doesn’t mean anything beyond that, Gio. I have pure intentions. I just want to help him. I can’t help but see my family in his family now. If you didn’t marry me, our life might have been similar.” I intertwined my fingers to his and squeezed them. “Don’t be mad. I hate it when you’re angry with me, Gio.”
It was difficult for me when he was angry. I was afraid he might leave me. Now that I was admitting to myself that I was falling in love with him. I sighed, thinking that I could admit it to myself but not to Gio.
Gio stood up from his chair and came closer to me. There was no change in his appearance, but he didn’t seem as angry as before.
“Next time, tell me where you were going. Ask for permission, Millie, so I won’t worry.” He took a deep breath. “And stop making me jealous.”
I looked up at him. “I’m not making you jealous. Stop thinking that every man who sees me will like me or be attracted to me, Gio. It’s not like that-”
“That’s how it is, Millie. If only you know.” He took a deep breath and shook his head. “I can’t avoid feeling jealous. Every man is a threat to me. They will all like you or look at you, and just that mere fact makes me damn jealous. How can I stop this?”
I looked at Gio for a long time before I decided to approach him. I hugged him gently and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. I closed my eyes.
“You don’t need to be jealous, Gio,” I whispered, because I like you, and my heart belongs only to you. If only I could say it aloud, I would have done it by now, but I’m too scared to admit it to you. There should be a training program on how to gather the courage to confess one’s feelings to someone. I would gladly enroll in that. “You just think that other men will like me, even when they don’t.”
“Millie, if only you could see yourself the way I see you, you might understand why I get jealous when other men see you.”
My heart pounded loudly in my chest when I heard that. I buried my face in his chest. Oh, to hear those words from him. It made me feel more confident because of Gio.
“I’m sorry I raised my voice at you. I know it’s not good to shout at you because you’ll see your father in me.”
I shook my head. I had somewhat overcome it, thanks to him and my therapy. The fear wasn’t completely gone, but I was making progress. I gently pulled away from him. “Are we good now? You’re not angry with me anymore?”
Gio brushed my hair away from my face. “I wasn’t angry with you… not ever.”
I embraced him once more. The truth is, Gio may be the most ruthless person I know when it comes to others. He treats them as if they were mosquitos. But when it’s just the two of us, Gio is the gentlest person I’ve ever known, and I’m lucky to be with him.
“I like you, Gio,” I whispered to myself, my eyes closed tightly while I held onto him.
~*~
I’m suffocating. It feels like I can’t breathe. I’m trying to open my eyes, but I can’t. Help me! Someone! I know I’m dreaming. I used to experience this often, but it’s happening again now.
The surroundings are pitch dark. I can’t see anything, but I can hear various loud noises. Although the sounds are jumbled in my ears, I can still distinguish them. I hear gunshots, a girl’s voice screaming and crying, and a loud crashing sound, as if something fell to the floor. I also hear some things breaking, but I can’t see anything. The sounds are both familiar and unfamiliar to me. I can’t determine if this dream has ever happened in real life.
I can’t breathe. I’m struggling to move, but it’s as if my body is chained, rendering me immobile. I’m terrified because I can’t see anything; it’s so dark.
I hear footsteps approaching. Tears roll down my face out of fear. I can’t see anyone, but I hear a voice. “Die.”
I jolted awake from my dream, gasping for breath. I’m awake, but it still feels like I’m drowning.
“Millie?”
I turn to Gio. It seems he woke up as well when I jolted awake. He got up and quickly approached me. I want to speak, but all I can manage is a trembling lip.
My tears keep flowing. For a moment, I thought I might actually die in my dream. It felt so real.
My whole body is trembling, so Gio quickly holds me. He looks at me closely before saying, “Breathe, Millie.”
I follow his advice. I start to breathe slowly, matching Gio’s breathing rhythm. After a few moments, my breathing returns to normal.
It’s then that I find my voice again. The loud sobs finally subside. I’m overwhelmed by an inexplicable sense of sadness. It’s been a long time since I had a dream like this, and I didn’t expect it to return.
I’m not at my father’s house anymore, so why am I experiencing this again?
“What happened?” Gio asks me. Even in this darkness, I can see the concern in his eyes.
“I-I had a nightmare…” My body is still trembling. Nevertheless, I find comfort in Gio’s embrace. I feel safe, and I know the man in my dream can’t hurt me.
“Do you remember it, your dream?”
I shake my head at Gio. “I can’t recall much. It’s all unclear to me. All I see is darkness, and I hear some noises, but that’s about it.”
And then, I remember this man’s voice telling me to die. The voice is familiar, but I can’t place where I’ve heard it before-and no, it wasn’t my father’s voice.
“Did you tell your counselor about having the dream?” Gio drew closer to me, embracing me tightly. His presence made me feel calmer.
“Yes, I did tell her. I haven’t experienced this in a while, but now… it suddenly came back. I don’t know why.”
I thought I would be stronger and braver because of the training I’ve been through, but it seems there are things that no matter how much I change myself, I can’t escape from. These are the things that have always been part of my life, and no matter what, they remain my fears.
Gio continued to hold me until I calmed down completely. The two of us went back to lying down, and Gio’s embrace didn’t waver.
I was afraid that even closing my eyes would send me back to that dream. I didn’t want to return there.
“Sleep, Millie. I’m here. You don’t have to worry about anything. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” He caressed my back, giving me a sense of safety and protection.
I didn’t want to return to sleep, fearing what might happen, but Gio’s touch somehow brought me back to my peaceful slumber. I clung to him, never wanting to let go. The nightmares wouldn’t haunt me because Gio was here to protect me. That’s what I held onto in my mind as I fell asleep again.