I guess we were both trying to deal with things, and it would be good for the kids to see us acting like adults around each other. The last thing I wanted was any more negativity that could affect the children.
After hanging up, I called my uncle Larry like I promised my mom I would, and arranged to go meet him for coffee the next day. Then I called the lawyer from the email, and left him a voice mail to call me the next day, when he was in the office. Lastly, I called my mom to ask her about the lawyer and settlement offer, but she said she had no idea what I was talking about. No lawyer had reached out to her, only a few insurance people from my work.
Jenn did come over later that night, and we had a great spaghetti dinner that Sidney prepared. The boys were telling us both about their up-coming games they had, and we both promised to be there to cheer them on. Sidney talked about Jarred some, and also about how excited she was to be graduating so soon.
When Jennifer got to the house, I did ask her about the lawyer and settlement offer. She said that they had contacted her once, but never returned her calls. She had left a letter from them in our office somewhere.
I was really happy that we had that dinner, it felt like old times. When it was over, and Jennifer prepared to leave, I felt conflicted again. We all said goodbye to her as she left, and the kids all gave me a huge hug when she was gone. Damn, will it ever get any easier?
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Jennifer helps plan a wedding
Today was going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I woke up feeling positive. To help kick off my new attitude, I was going to help my daughter plan her wedding. I was going to pick her up after school every weekday so we could plan, and we were going to spend every weekend going shopping, or at least browsing.
Aside from work, and helping my daughter, I still had counseling to go to. Even if our joint sessions hadn’t worked very well, I thought I should continue seeing Rose. Perhaps she could help me figure out my weaknesses, so I could work on becoming a stronger person. I would still be in Matt’s life, even if not married, and I wanted him to see that I wasn’t giving up. He might find it in his heart to forgive me, yet.
Sidney and I spent the next several nights discussing the big items first. We would go over the smaller details as they came up. First up, was to pick a date and place for the wedding and reception. She said they wanted it to be outside, expecting the weather to cooperate. We could always have tents or pavilions set up in case it started raining. She said they hadn’t decided on an exact date, so we pulled out a calendar.
We looked to the month of June, and looked at all the dates available. She decided that June 11th sounded right. It was a week after their graduation, and she said they didn’t need to wait any longer than that. She later told me that it fell between Memorial Day and Father’s day. She didn’t want to share her day with any other important day!
I said that day would be perfect. June would hopefully be better weather, and not as hot as a July or August wedding. It was also near my anniversary date, which was June 14th. We went on to talk about the place to hold it. Choosing the place took two whole days of reviewing and discussing. On the end of the second night with her, she decided that she wanted it to be at the lake. She had spent a lot of her childhood there, and had such fond memories of the place. It didn’t hurt that it was also a beautiful location, with a lot of natural wonder and color nearby.
At the end of the first week of planning we had the guest list started. We had the date and place picked out, and had looked up a few caterers for food service. That weekend I took her out to a pizza place for dinner, and sat down with her fiance. We had met a few times when she brought him over, but never for more than a few minutes at a time.
It was nice, and it gave Matt time to be alone with the boys for the evening, as well. I wanted more than anything to spend it as a family, but would settle for being closer with my daughter. She really was back to her old self, and had forgiven me. I was so thankful that I had raised such a great kid.
We would start up the planning again that following Tuesday, as Monday I had another appointment with Rose. I still wanted to work out how I could have cheated on my husband in the first place. I know I had rationalized it in my head, but there had to be SOME reason for it to have happened so quickly.
When I went in that Monday, she was friendly as always, but started asking me some pretty tough questions. This session was tougher than any other I had been to with her.
“Jennifer, the last few sessions we have tried to explore the build-up to your actions. I want to start working on some other facets of your life and personality. I think it could really help you feel some sort of accomplishment, as you have expressed a deep desire to understand yourself better.”
“Ok, Rose. I really do want to figure things out. I know Matt might never forgive me, but I think for me to move on, I will need to forgive myself. I haven’t done that, yet.”
She ran me through questions about my former boyfriends, past jobs, even some about my married life before the kids were born. She asked me about what Matt really meant to me, as well as some questions about my current job. We went over a few other things about my life, and at the end of the session, she gave me her opinion.
“Jennifer, I can’t say for certain yet, but I am starting to think that part of your problem stems from your reliance on others. You work in an emergency department, where everyone counts on you. In every other facet of your life, you depend on others. You seem to depend heavily on your husband, not only for love and support, but also for making decisions and plans for you. When you were younger, it sounded like you depended on whatever boy you were dating at the time, and had a similar pattern of letting them choose and speak for you.
“I am not saying that any of this is negative, just that it could have a lot to do with why you behaved the way that you did with Jim. Most women are very used to being hit on, and can usually handle it without much difficulty. I think part of the problem is that you see your husband as a suit of armor, in effect, and without him around those four months, you were not trying to protect yourself.”
I sat absorbing what she was saying. Did I really let the men in my life choose things for me? Did I really depend on others in my private life, to basically shield me from harm?
“God, do I really rely on other people THAT much? I have never really thought about it, but I guess it makes sense. I like to do what everyone else is doing most times, and usually don’t speak up or take charge, unless I have to. About the only time I really tell everyone else what to do is at the hospital.”
“OK I think this is a good stopping point, Jennifer. You are going to have to take a look at things you do every day, and decide if you feel the need to change or not. There is nothing wrong with letting others be your guide in life, but sometimes you may want to be able to think for yourself more. I will see you next week, ok?”
“Yes, and thank you, Rose.”
She walked me to the door and I left, thinking very hard about things that she had said. If I truly depended on others too much, could that be affecting my judgement?
By the time I got to the house, Sidney was waiting for me. We had to continue discussing the dinner choices for the reception, as well as finalize the guest list. We needed to send out invitations soon or there wouldn’t be very many people at the wedding.