Jennifer gives up
After I got the divorce petition, I was crushed. I had really hoped the counseling would have helped, but apparently not. My parents tried to console me, but they knew that this was a possibility. That night, I looked very hard at a bottle of sleeping pills I had. All I would have to do is get a handful and a glass of water, and it would all end.
Thankfully, my dad came in at that point, and kissed me goodnight like he used to when I was a little girl. His goodnight kiss was a shocking reminder to me that I had three kids that I had kissed goodnight to. What if they ran into a mess like mine in the future? Would I be there to kiss them goodnight again if they needed me to? How selfish could I be, to consider killing myself?
I made a promise to myself that night that I would survive, no matter what. If Matt and I were done with, I would have to find a way to live with it. I talked to the kids on the phone the next night, telling them how proud I was of how they were handling everything, especially Sidney. I told them I would come by the house to visit with them the next day.
Sidney was being nicer to me, and even told me that she and her boyfriend Jarred were starting to get serious. It helped shock me out of my depression some, to try to be there for my daughter. We talked on the phone for a bit, and I promised that we could spend some time just the two of us tomorrow.
I went over the next day to visit with the kids, and to have that talk with Sidney. Matt had left with his mother for a bit while I spent time with the kids, but what I wouldn’t give to see him right now. The boys both told me about their day at school, and what they did over the weekend. It was great spending time with them, but I wish it would have been longer.
I told them I needed to talk with their sister for a bit, and we went into her room. She shut the door and sat on her bed next to me. She looked at me and smiled, so I reached out and took her hands in mine.
“Sidney, I am so very sorry for the pain you have gone through lately. I want you to know that I will always be here for you, and will love you, no matter what happens. Also, I am so sorry that you had to help your dad out, when it really should have been my job the whole time. You are a very strong young woman.”
“Mom, I was really mad at you for a long time. I realize now that sometimes I might still get mad at you, but that I love and miss you a lot more. I don’t want to hate you anymore…” She started crying at this and we both leaned in for a much needed hug. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have tears flowing, as well. After a minute, we separated and just smiled at each other. It was a pretty good start for us.
“So honey, you said things with your boyfriend are getting serious? I am not going to pry, but I know that you are old enough now to have become sexually active. How serious are we talking here?”
“Well, mom, we all graduate in a few months, so we were talking about what we were going to do afterwards. Jarred told me he wasn’t planning on college, but that he might join the military.” She paused like she had more to say.
“Go on Sid, you can tell me anything, and I promise not to get mad at you.”
She looked up into my eyes, “Mom, he asked me to marry him.”
I was stunned, to say the least. Part of me was overjoyed at the idea of her getting married, and part of me was shocked that she was talking about marriage at such a young age. This was uncharted water, and I needed to tread carefully.
“And your answer was?” I asked.
“I SAID YES! I know that we are really young but love him, very much. I hope you aren’t going to get mad at me, mom, but I know he is the one for me!” she said very rapidly.
“You aren’t pregnant, are you? I’m sorry this is just such a shock to me. Oh my god, I can’t believe it. Have you told your father yet?” My brain hadn’t caught up with my mouth yet apparently.
She gave me that look as if to say, yeah right. “No, I am not pregnant, mom. I haven’t told dad yet either. I have no idea how to tell him. I am surprised that I was able to get it out with you.”
“Well I can’t say I am thrilled with you doing this at such a young age, but if you truly love him, then I will support you, however I can. I hope you’re waiting until after you graduate, right?”
“Of course, mom, we figured it would be pretty awkward if we were married while still in high school. He suggested we wait until June or July to have a nice summer wedding. Could you help me plan it out, mom?”
What could I do? I knew that she was getting into this too young, but also that my daughter was smart enough to know what she was doing. It helped that I trusted her to do the right thing. If I said no, I could permanently damage my already fragile relationship with her. If I said yes, I would be approving her marriage at such a young age. Rock, meet hard place, I thought.
“I will help you, but I have conditions. You have to promise me that you are going to still go to college, like you planned on, to get your education. I don’t want you throwing that away. Also, I want to be with you when you tell your father. I am sure he won’t like it much, so I can help give you some moral support. I know I am not his favorite person right now, but I will have to get used to that.”
“What do you mean, mom?”
She didn’t know about the divorce petition. “Sidney, your father is asking for a divorce. I am going to give it to him, even though I don’t want to. He and I just can’t seem to move forward from this, so I will have to accept it, and try to just be here for you kids.”
I teared up, again. I thought I was getting better about crying, but just couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed with her news of marriage, while mine was on the way to ending. Sidney leaned in to hug me again, and it was comforting to know that things were getting better between us.
“Mom, I love you,” she said, with her head on my shoulder.
“I love you, too.”
We got up, dried our eyes, and laughed a little at being silly girls for crying. God, it was good to hear her laugh again. I felt better about my small victory, as I knew my daughter didn’t hate me, after all.
I left them all, saying I loved them and would see them in a few days. Sidney promised that she was going to wait until I got there to tell her dad about the wedding. I promised her I wouldn’t say anything until then either.
Matt called the next day, but only to speak with my parents about something. He didn’t want to talk to me. It still hurt that I couldn’t be with him, but life would have to go on. If only I could just show him how badly I missed and needed him, maybe I could still change his mind. I guess forgiveness just wasn’t going to happen.
The following day, I went over to the house after work, and Matt was still around. Apparently, Sidney had asked him to hang around until I got there, so she could talk to us both. I was pretty sure what she was going to say to him, so was a little nervous for her.
Before she could start talking, I noticed that Matt’s knuckles were bruised pretty heavily. Having worked in the E. R., I knew it looked like he had hit someone, or something, pretty hard.
“Matt, are you OK?” I asked with concern.
“I’m fine. My hands ran into some jerk who stole something from me. He deserved it.”
I had a pretty good idea who he was talking about. If we weren’t headed for a divorce, I would have laughed. “Are you in any trouble? Do you want me to look at your hands?”