This shocked her a little, and she looked up at me, fear combining with the tears in her eyes. “It was the lowest point in my life. I have no excuses that matter but it was a couple nights ago in his car. OH MY GOD!”
She broke down again. This was going to be a long sad process, if she kept up the bawling. Obviously if you didn’t already realize it my wife was a crier. She cries at everything. My anger at the moment slipped just a fraction watching the love of my life in such pain. Too bad my pain was growing worse.
I would have gotten up to leave the room, but was still way too weak, so I just grunted and rolled over to face the wall away from my wife. I don’t think she knew what to do so she got up and cleaned up in the bathroom, then grabbed her pillow and left the bedroom, whispering “I love you” on the way out. It felt very empty after she left, and I had one of the most fitful nights of sleep ever.
When I awoke, I rolled over and found my wife sitting on the edge of the bed on her side, head in hands and just shaking in quiet sobs. I had no words to comfort her this time, so just kept quiet myself. After a few minutes I moved around to let her know I was awake, and moved my legs to the side of the bed.
She got up too, and made her way around to my side of the bed to help me get up. Awkward or not, I needed help yet getting around until I had more therapy, so I allowed her to help me. She got me into the bathroom and ran the bathwater so I could clean up. She left me in the tub of hot water and went out to get dressed.
I had no idea what I was going to tell the kids. How do you tell them that their mother had betrayed their father in the worst way, while he was in a coma, no less? How do you tell them that the woman I loved more than any other person on the planet might not be my wife anymore?
I had no answers for my own questions, so just soaked up the warmth and washed myself off. When I was done I tried to get up on my own, and managed to get up onto the edge of the tub and dry off. I got mostly dressed but couldn’t get my socks on without help.
“Jenn, could you help me?” I asked. I held up my socks to her when she entered, and she gave me a very faint smile before kneeling to help get them on. After they were on, she helped me into the kitchen to sit at the table while she served up breakfast to the kids and I. They all ate in a hurry and ran out the door to catch the bus.
After they had left, the house was quiet for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say to the other. She eventually lay her head down on her arms at the table, and just started bawling. I did my best to get up at that point and head back to the bedroom. I was able to make it somewhat down the hall holding the wall as I went, but had to stop and rest a few times. Along the wall were our family photos taken so many different times throughout the years, I too started to cry a little as I pushed on.
I finally made it to the bedroom and almost fell onto it on my back. I sat up eventually, but didn’t know what to do after that. I just blankly stared at a family photo on the wall. I knew logically that I would have to do something about the situation with my wife. The only problem was I didn’t want to.
********
Jennifer is undone.
I don’t know how long I sat crying at that table. I had been doing that a lot lately, but it hasn’t really helped me cope. It could have been a few minutes or a couple of hours. All I knew was that I had lost him. The one person that I had spent my life with, that I loved more than anyone else was gone, and it was entirely my fault.
How in the world could I recover from this, or make it up to him?
I heard him move down the hallway on his own, and he started crying a little, too, half-way down the hall. How in the world could I hurt that man? ME? The dependable, loving wife and mother of three… HOW COULD I?
If I was going to go, I would do my very best to at least show him that I loved him and that none of what happened was his fault. I stood to go help him out but he had made it into the bedroom at that point. I went down the hallway to see if he was alright. I made it to the bedroom, and he was sitting on the edge, just staring at the wall where we had a family photo hung.
“How could you do this to us?” he asked, in an almost ghostly whisper.
“Matt, I am a terrible person. I still don’t understand, but I want you to know that it had nothing to do with you. I love you so very much… GOD!” This was going to be hard, as I knew it would. “I can’t take it back, but I desperately wish that I could.”
He didn’t respond, just kept staring at the picture. I think he was in shock. I moved to sit on the edge of the bed with him and put my arms around him from behind, resting my head on his back. I was still crying, so his shirt started getting wet. I decided to try to own up to this as best I could, so I sat up a little and started talking again.
“I will talk to the kids when they get home. None of this was your fault so you shouldn’t have to deal with it.” I had to sniffle a lot, but thankfully wasn’t full blown crying anymore. “Matt, please believe me when I say that I love you more than anything, more than myself even.”
“How can I? I used to think that you loved me more than anything, and I want to believe that now but how can I? I know that I love you so much it hurts, and now, I just hurt.”
He was quiet for a while after that, and then asked me to leave him in the room so he could sleep. I left the room, but not before saying one last “I Love you” to him, and then shut the door. I went out and cleaned up the kitchen as much as I could. I would keep trying to be the best wife and mother I could, regardless of my horrible behavior.
When the kids got home later after school, I told them that I needed to speak with them, and it was important. At first, I wanted to talk with Sidney alone and then with all three as a group. I followed Sidney to her room, and after shutting the door behind me, I told her an abridged version of what happened with Jim, without too many details, and that I had told her father this morning.
By the time I finished telling her, she was beat red and looked about to explode.
“HOW COULD YOU? Mom, what the hell made you think that was OK? You just killed our family, how COULD YOU?” at this she broke down sitting on her bed and started crying, whimpering “how could you” over and over again.
“I screwed up. I know that. I am more sorry than you will ever know. There is nothing I can do to take away the hurt I caused your father.”
“Yeah NO SHIT MOM! What are you going to tell Steve and Tommy?”
She was still venting, which I guess was a good thing. I had no idea how I could begin to fix things with my family, but I wasn’t going to give up yet.
“Honey, I know that I have made a huge mess of things, and will try to be as honest as I can to the boys but will try to spare them as much of the detail as I can. Please understand that I love you all very much and will be doing whatever I can to try to fix this, if it’s possible.”
She just harrumphed and stood up, walked to her door, and opened it for me. I left her room and she slammed the door behind me, obviously still very upset. I felt like a death-row inmate heading towards the death chamber as I walked down the hallway to the living room where the boys were watching TV, waiting for me.
“Hey mom, where is Sidney?” asked Steven. “I thought you wanted to talk to all three of us?”
“I don’t think she needs to be here for this. We already said everything we need to each other for right now.” At this point, I took a deep breath for the inevitable fallout that was about to occur.
“Boys… There’s no easy way to say this other than to tell the truth. I made a huge mistake and cheated on your father, and now I am hoping to…”
“WHAT?!” they both yelled almost in unison, cutting me off.
“You cheated on Dad? Why in the world would you do that mom, I thought you loved him?” asked my oldest.
“Yeah mom, I thought you always said that you loved dad more than you loved yourself?” asked Tommy.
I started tearing up at this point, knowing that the pain that was just beginning in my family was all my fault, well mine and that asshole Jim’s, but it was my fault for not stopping him. I was starting to pay the piper.
“Yes, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I am truly sorry that you guys will get affected by this even though you did nothing wrong. I just hope one day, you guys can forgive me for being so selfish, and that one day, your dad and I can find a way to work things out.”
With that, I couldn’t contain the tears, so I just got up and hugged the boys and went to the guest room. I shut the door and curled up in a ball on the bed, not even getting under the covers. Why? Why did I have to be such a weak person? The shame of what I had done would haunt me forever, but I would have to try to be brave for my children, if nothing else.
Tonight, I would let it all out though. I fell asleep somehow while crying into the pillow, having fitful sleep at best. Tomorrow would probably be much harder than today had been and I wasn’t looking forward to the rest of my life anymore.