I sighed in exasperation as I pulled up beside the curb, close to the fence, and glanced up at the familiar white building I was slowly getting accustomed to. I couldn’t believe that I was about to do this. This was worse than a fucking nightmare.
How would he take it? Would he be offended? Would he be mad at me for not showing up all these years? But I hadn’t a goddamn clue because his mother never informed me, and here I was still doubting the truth that was right in front of me.
I had the evidence. Enough of them; the DNA test, his features… everything. Yet, somehow it felt so strange. So sudden. I felt as though I was having a bad dream and at any moment now Elaine would pinch my cheeks and tell me it wasn’t true. That he wasn’t mine, or hers, and we could go back to having hot sex sessions and weekend vacations.
I couldn’t stop myself from loathing her so much. She had no right. No fucking right to keep something this huge from me for so many years. I didn’t think I could ever bring myself to forgive her fully for everything.
I popped the car door open but still sat back, trying to work up the nerves needed to face what was currently at hand.
I tried to put myself in the little kid’s shoes. How would I have felt if someone just showed up one day and declared that he was my father? Wouldn’t that be the biggest joke of the century? Wouldn’t I say it was better he never came for me? Wouldn’t I ask questions, enough questions to last a lifetime?
Ugh. I didn’t want to imagine it. It was cruel. He’d been deprived of a fatherly figure his entire life, and I wasn’t dead. I still had a chance to make things right, and thankfully, he wasn’t yet old enough to hold long-term grudges against me.
I can do this.
Filled with a sudden surge of determination and compassion, I got out of the car and pushed back the gate, knocking on the huge doors. While I waited for someone to open it, my eyes strayed across the wild garden gnomes and unkempt grasses, to the rickety, spoilt bicycle at a corner. This neighborhood sucked. Elaine could’ve known better.
The door pulled open, revealing her in a peach-colored knee-length gown, her black hair falling in soft, straight tresses down her back. Her eyes were red and puffy from lack of sleep, and it felt as though she could collapse from exhaustion at any given time. My stomach lurched in pity. She still looked stunning, despite being sad.
She forced a smile which came out weak. “Hey, there,” her voice cracked.
“Hello,” I managed coldly.
Not deterred, she moved out of the way, gesturing inside. “I didn’t think you would make it. Please come in,”
I brushed past her, drinking in the scent of her rosy cologne. She closed the door and beckoned for me to follow her. For the first time, I really took note of everything around me; everything I’d missed. The little baby shoes at the foot of the stairs, the kiddies’ books, and a Lego box. The Barney cassette tapes. There were a lot of hints I could’ve picked up a long time ago if only my mind hadn’t been occupied by Elaine. She’d been the only thing I looked forward to each time I came around, and now she wasn’t the subject of my visit, it felt odd. Past the foyer, she took a detour into the kitchen, waving me over to the island to sit.
“Coffee?” she offered, pouring into a glass before I even got the chance to respond. “I just made it so it’s hot. I know you like it.”
I plopped down on a kitchenette stool and nodded reluctantly, taking the glass cup from her. “Thank you,”
She sat herself across from me, folding her arms on the table in front of her. “Do you think it’s a good idea to tell him today? He’s asleep after a hectic day at school, Max.”
“We can’t keep the truth away from him any longer,” I said sharply, taking a curt sip from my cup. “I’ve been missing from his life for way too long. I’m eager to build a relationship, and it wouldn’t start with lies or procrastinating the truth.”
She lowered her eyes. “Like ours?”
I shrugged. “If you feel that way.”
She blew out a deflated breath. “You have absolutely no idea how much I regret everything, Max. I don’t regret the time we spent together though, but I hate myself for not being courageous enough to sustain your trust. I’ve had five years to get here, to get this far with him, and trust me when I say that it only gets better.”
“I can only hope so,”
“Maybe it’s best I leave you two alone for an hour or two, so it’ll be easier,” she said, rising from her seat. I grabbed her hand, stopping her. I needed her here. I couldn’t do this alone.
“No. Don’t go.”
Her eyes shone with understanding and she sat back down. Silence hung in the air for a few minutes like a thick blanket. “Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him?”
I thought hard for a moment. “I don’t know the best way to say it, other than blurting it out. I can only hope he understands and doesn’t get mad at me.”
“It’s my fault he didn’t meet you sooner, not yours. All you have to do is try not to look sad about this. He might take it the wrong way. He’s a sensitive child.”
“I’m not sad about this,” I huffed.
“Well, it seems like you are. It feels like you’re only here because you feel pity for him.”
“Well, I do. Raising a child without a father figure is tough, and the child would feel left out when he sees both parents of his schoolmates at compulsory meetings in school.”
“You’re still missing the whole point here, Max.”
“I’m not, trust me,” I frowned. “I’m not sad that you’re the mother of my child. I’m mad about the fact that if father hadn’t found out about him, perhaps you could’ve kept fooling me. The way I found out was insulting.”
She sighed, her eyes shut. “I know, I know. And there are no words to describe how sorry I am. But I still want you to know that if I’d told you, you’d hate me in a heartbeat. You’d see me as an opportunist, who’s only interested in your money. I’ve seen the media stories about you, and every time, some woman claims to have a child for you.”
She had a point. I could’ve dismissed her as a gold digger. But I’d already fallen in love with her and I knew she couldn’t lie to me. This had to be the most stinging betrayal I’d ever experienced.
We lapsed into silence. An uncomfortable one that grew by the minute. I wished it would last forever so I wouldn’t have this conversation.
“Mommy?”
We both turned to crane our heads towards the door. Finn waddled in, still in his school uniform which looked faded and too big for him, rubbing his eyes with the back of his palm. Elaine drew him up to sit on her lap, wrapping her arms around his little waist.
“Hey, sweetie. Sleep well?”
“Mmh,”
She kissed his forehead softly. “You haven’t said hi to Uncle Max yet, love.”
He turned his eyes to me, a bright smile breaking forth on his face. I gripped the edge of the island in a bid to keep my emotions in check. “Hello, Uncle Max. Nice to see you.”
I leaned in to ruffle his hair and he giggled shyly. “Ayo, mate. Nice to see you too.”
“Would you like Mommy to pour you some orange juice?” Elaine asked, pinching his chubby cheeks.
He nodded excitedly. “Yay! Orange juice!”
She released him, and he climbed on the empty kitchenette stool beside me. I could stare at and admire his features all day. His blonde curls were neat and shiny just like mine, and his blue eyes were just as deep and cryptic. He was the true son of his father.
“How’s school, man?” I asked.
He swung his legs underneath the table quietly. “School’s fine,”
Elaine placed a glass of cold lemonade in front of him and sat back in her seat. He beamed at her and took a sip. “Thanks, Mommy,”
I inhaled and exhaled, my muscles suddenly taut with pressure. God help me with this. “So, Finn. I have something I want to talk to you about.”
His eyes rose up to mine. “Okay, Uncle.”
“It’s a bit of an… odd story. You see, when you were born, your mother and I… well, you see, your mother never told me about… you.”
He frowned. “Huh?”
I glanced at Elaine for backup but she had suddenly gone quiet. She couldn’t meet my eyes.
“Let me explain in more detail. You see, when you were born, your mother didn’t inform me that you are my son. She kept the truth about me away from you all this while. Do you understand?”
His brows knitted together as he shook his head. “No.”
I sighed, dragging a palm down my face. “You see, Finn. I’m your father.”
The whole place fell silent, and the confused hollows beside his brows deepened. “That’s not true. My daddy’s name is Alessandro.”
“That’s what Mommy told you, right? Well, it’s not true. I’m your Daddy, not Alessandro.”
He frowned, looking over at Elaine. “Mommy, tell him he’s lying. My Daddy’s Alessandro and he’s away for work. He’s coming back soon, right? Tell him, Mommy.”
Elaine kept her eyes trained on the table surface, tears subtly falling. I smiled sadly, even though I wanted nothing but to punch the memories he’d shared with that bastard Alessandro out of his goddamn mind.
“I know it might be a lot for you to process, Finn. But it’s true. I’m your father, and unlike Alessandro, I won’t ever leave you alone for work or anything else. I’ll be beside you forever, and we’d have a lot of fun together, trust me. I’d take you to a bouncing castle.”
He gasped. “Really?”
I nodded. “Yes. Like, father and son, we’d play a lot together.”
He contemplated for a moment, then shrugged. “Cool. When do we start?”
“Um,” I was taken aback by how easy it was for him to accept this. Children would always remain children, I guessed. “Mommy’s going to be busy all morning and afternoon, so maybe you could show me around?”
He looked up at Elaine uncertainly. “Is that alright with you, Mom?”
She nodded. “Yes, Finn. Your Daddy is a fun, amazing man. The both of you would have loads of adventures together, just you wait.”