I lay naked beside Max, listening to him snore softly while my heart hammered wildly against my ribcage. It was a dreary Monday morning and we’d just gotten back from San Francisco where we had fun over the weekend. I’d called Cora before we alighted the plane to sleep with Finn for the night and make sure he didn’t come out while I figured out a way to tell Max. I couldn’t hide it from him any longer. The bond we shared at this point was too sacred, too important for deception. All through last week, working beside him at the office was bliss. He became more understanding, more patient, more professional, and we snuck in a lot of kisses between edits. It had become natural to wake up beside him every morning. It felt more than right.
I sucked in a deep breath, bracing myself for what I was about to do. I even muttered a silent prayer before shaking him lightly. “Hey, Max.”
“Huh?” he replied sleepily, turning to face me. “Sweetheart. What’s wrong?”
I swallowed a hard lump. “I want to speak to you. It’s urgent.”
He sat up and rested his back against the headboard, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. I felt my mouth go dry like dust, the words I wanted to say to him stuck in my throat. He took my hands in his and squeezed. “What’s bothering you, darling?”
God, how on earth do I say this?
“I want you to know… that it was never my intention to tell you this way. I didn’t even want to let you know in the first place because… you’ll see me as someone else from who I originally am…”
“What are you going on about, Elaine? What’s with the riddles?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and blurted out. “I have a child. A son.”
He adjusted himself, his face pale. “What?”
I nodded. “I have a son.”
His eyes widened in horror, and he whipped his legs to the floor, standing. He stared at me incredulously. “I don’t understand. How is that possible?”
I shrugged. “Max…”
“This has to be a joke,” he exclaimed, shaking his head violently while pacing the floor. “What do you mean you have a son? Where the fuck has, he been all this while?”
“I’ve managed to keep him away from you since we began seeing each other. He’s got a babysitter, and Cora looks after him sometimes.”
His jaw dropped. “Cora knows you have a child?”
I nodded. “Yes. She does.”
“Fuck,” he ran his fingers through his hair and down the nape of his neck. “Is it a baby? How old is he?”
Tears filled my eyes. “He’ll be five next month. Max, please -”
He held a hand up, fury blazing in his eyes. “I’m disgusted. You mean you were fooling me all along? You had a fucking child before we even met at that club?”
I shook my head. “No. Listen to me -”
He swiped a hand over the items on my desk, scattering them on the floor.
I stood up but kept my distance from him. “Max, please calm down and let me explain.” I’d never seen anyone so furious. He looked as though he was going to combust.
“I’m not doing this with you,” he huffed, storming toward the door.
“Max wait! Please.”
“I told you, Elaine. I don’t do single moms. I won’t carry your burden, neither will I relieve you of it in the slightest bit. You deserve every fucking thing you’re passing through right now. How could you be so deceptive to keep this away from me?!”
“You don’t understand. This doesn’t change how you feel about me -”
He halted, then turned, glaring at me as if I’d suddenly grown a second head. “Are you serious? This changes every fucking thing between us. You don’t even want to know how I feel about you right now, because it’ll break you into a million pieces.”
He brushed past me to grab his coat and rushed out the door, slamming it so hard behind him that the windows rattled.
I stood in my empty room, shocked and broken.
“Max,” I whispered in the silence. “Wait.”
–
In my perspective, disappointment was a very funny thing. Five years ago, I’d disappointed the people I cared about. The people who’d stayed beside me through thick and thin. The people that mattered but couldn’t even stand to see me after what I’d done. I’d disappointed myself and my dreams, and I’d felt like having a child at that point when I was unprepared and inexperienced had to be the worst thing to ever happen to a woman.
But I was wrong. That disappointed morphed into my biggest joy. I realized that this child was meant for me. That was why my instincts screamed at me not to abort him. And I couldn’t be prouder that I obeyed.
After Max left, I checked the wall clock and saw that it was almost six thirty and I needed to get my little man ready for school. Cora’s face was crumpled as she watched me run a bath and prepare Finn. She tried to push for details of what happened earlier this morning, but I reassured her that all was fine, and I would tell her the full story tonight after Finn had gone to bed.
I was glad that I was trying my best to be a good mother. Yes, society frowned upon single parenting and people often said that children brought up by a single parent was bound to come out all wrong, but that wouldn’t be my son’s case. I was ready to sacrifice the little loving bubble I’d felt over the past two weeks for him. He was my purpose, and I would be the best mother in the world to him.
Max didn’t matter at all where he was concerned.
I planned to take the day off today, and maybe tomorrow as well. Max would understand, because he was pissed as well, and frankly I wouldn’t mind if he gave me a sack letter if I showed up on Wednesday. I’d tried calling him severally to try and explain but he didn’t answer his phone. Hell, he even turned it off.
The more I thought about it, the more outraged I became. He had no right. Absolutely no right to judge or say those mean stuff about me. Perhaps the single mothers he’d been meeting or heard off sucked, but that was not a good enough reason for him to generalize that all single mothers sucked. He wasn’t a perfect man either. Nor, the smartest tool in a toolbox.
Sad, dejected, and unable to find something worthwhile to occupy myself with, I slept through noon and woke up by one thirty to prepare lunch. Cora would pick up Finn from school today, so that left me idle once more after I was done cooking.
Sitting at the kitchen island, I stared at my phone for a long minute, wondering if he’d turned his phone on by now. There was no point trying to sugarcoat it, I knew that I wasn’t the saint here, and neither was he. I should’ve told him, but his feelings had been unexpected. I didn’t know he would fall madly in love with me, neither did I imagine being able to reciprocate those feelings. I didn’t know.
We were together for two weeks, so I had plenty of time to break the news to him. But yet, I didn’t. I chickened out, and so I deserved this.
I clicked on his name and hit call, squeezing my eyes shut in anguish when it rang want went to voicemail. At least his line was going through.
I left a message any way, though I was doubly sure he wasn’t going to listen to it. “Max,” I breathed, looking around for a moment. “I know you’re still mad at me, but I really need to speak to you, Max. It’s more than urgent. I’ve got a lot to explain,” the tears fell faster. “Maybe you can drop over after work so we can talk it out?” I wiped my eyes furiously, trying to regain my bearings. “I do hope you call me after you listen to this. See you later, I hope.” I hung up.
Drumming my fingers cautiously on the table, I made up my mind to confront him tomorrow at the office, if he didn’t come over tonight.