Maria
The rain strikes the massive window, and each drop reminds me of the storm I’m facing alone. The room feels too small with the drapes closed, so I leave them open to let the storm outside keep me company. The room flashes each time the lightning strikes, and I shiver. I feel cold, even though it’s warm inside.
I can’t stop thinking about Mikhail-and what I want to tell him. But I can’t. Even if he loves me, I can’t. I fidget with the hem of my dress, trying to find the words to express the gnawing feeling inside me ever since Mikhail showed me our rings.
It’s really going to happen.
There are three quick knocks on my door. “Come in,” I say.
Larissa smiles as she enters. Though I’m happy to see her, I wish it was him.
She closes the door behind her securely and then hugs me. Her touch is warm and comforting, the only respite from the hideous thoughts flooding my imagination.
Larissa sits in the chair opposite mine. Dominika finally got tired of trying to convince me to stay in the living room and added a second chair so I wouldn’t sit in bed all day. I liked being in the kitchen, but it made the staff nervous.
Funny, once upon a time, they made me nervous too.
Her gaze drifts to my still-flat stomach. “You haven’t told him, have you?”
“No,” I whisper, unable to meet her all-knowing gaze. “I haven’t.”
“You have to tell him.” Her voice is gentle but firm. “Keeping this from Kolya will only make things worse. You need to be honest with him, no matter how difficult it might be.”
“I wish it were that simple. But it’s not,” I reply with a bitter laugh. “He doesn’t love me.”
“That’s not true,” she reassures me. “Hedoeslove you, Maria.”
Scowling, I shake my head. “I heard what he said about me.”
Larissa sighs as if I’m being unreasonable. “He doesn’t want to love you, but he can’t help loving you.” Larissa reaches for my hand, and I let her take it. “Rurik was the same way. We were ill-matched. I was the boss’s daughter, and he was a soldier. One with an impressive family legacy but no rank. Rurik didn’t want to love me because of his duty to the Bratva. But I knew better. I’d catch him staring at me from across the room. He would dress up in a suit and offer to take me on my errands. But what it took was the first step. The scariest step.” She sighs. “Telling him the truth. The full truth.”
“Will he forgive me for keeping this a secret?” I whisper, unconvinced.
“Forgiveness isn’t something we’re given, Maria,” Larissa reminds me. “It’s something we earn through honesty and trust. If you want his trust, you’ll start by telling him.”
The conversation peters out, and we sit silently, listening to the rain. Even if I tell Mikhail … even if he accepts it, I can’t marry him. I’m in love with him more than anything, but I can’t overlook his determination to kill my father.
And I’m also selfish.
I’m afraid I’ll never be independent of anyone, especially now that I’m carrying the heir of the Ivanov Bratva.
I break the silence. “His need for me is possessive,” I confess. “It’s … controlling. When Mikhail proposed, it was to bind me to him, to trap me and then my dad.”
“Maria, he wants to protect you.”
“Is that what Rurik told you?” I look away as she scowls. “I’m caught in the middle of a war that’s bigger than both of us. Our families are using me like a pawn to destroy each other. And the pressure to choose a side, to betray my father … it’s tearing me apart.”
I take a deep breath and gather myself. “I love Mikhail, Lara. More than I ever thought possible. But I can’t imagine a future with him, not when our families are hell-bent on destroying each other.”
“Love isn’t easy, Maria,” Her gaze never leaves mine. “Loving someone can mean letting them go, even if it breaks your heart. You have to make a choice that I don’t envy.”
“Promise me something, Lara.” My throat tightens with emotion. “Promise me you’ll be careful. If anything happened to you, I couldn’t bear it.”
“Hey,” she says with a warm smile. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
“I’m worried for everyone now …” Then something that’s been bothering me pops into my mind. “Gunsyn and Alexander know I’m pregnant, and they didn’t tell Mikhail?”
Larissa’s expression darkens. “How do they know?”
“They also eavesdrop,” I reply. “They heard us when I was at your house.”
Larissa stands quickly from the chair, moving with shocking speed toward the door. “Maria, you have to tell him now. You’re putting him in jeopardy by not saying anything!”
The confusion is clear on my face. “How? What will they do to him?”
“Not what they will do with him,” Larissa cuts me off, “but what they can do without him. I have to go. Promise me you’ll tell him. Before it’s too late.”
The door clicks shut behind Larissa, but her words echo in my head. I feel a shiver run down my spine as I wrap my arms around myself, trying to warm my body.
I get up and pace the room, ignoring my feelings of dread. I have to get it together. I don’t have time to sulk. Larissa is right; I need to tell him before it’s too late. But how do I do it in a way that allows me to keep everyone that I care about alive?
Thoughts race through my mind as I walk back and forth. But try as I might, I can’t figure a way out of this mess. I can’t imagine both Mikhail and my father in my life.
I pause by the window, watching the wind whip through the trees in the park below. A pale green wave appears, then erupts into dark green and back again. I liked storms as a kid. They gave me a good excuse to stay inside and avoid lying to my friends.
I didn’t have to explain why I couldn’t go outside when it rained.
I press my forehead against the cool glass as thunder rumbles in the distance, and glance down at my stomach and think of the life growing inside me. A constant reminder of the decision I have to make-to tell Mikhail the truth or to keep my secret, protecting myself, my baby, and my father. Yet each one continues to pull me in another fundamentally opposing direction. Each one demands me to be loyal to them and them only.
Guilt gnaws at my conscience. I should’ve considered the consequences before sleeping with him again. I scoff at my own lack of self-control. Secrets and lies brought us together. And love-or what I think is love-has blinded me to danger.
The shadows in the room grow darker as I crawl into bed to keep warm. Hot and bitter anger burns a path through my body as I finally admit that I don’t have a plan.
Why didn’t Gunsyn or Alexander tell Mikhail I was pregnant? And why did Larissa mean when they say what they can do without him?
I stare at the phone on the dresser and wonder if I should risk it.
So far, all my decisions have ended badly.
But maybe not this one.