Rita
I’m lonely without Scar.
It’s pathetic. I know it’s pathetic. I drift around the apartment, killing time until I start work. He left me a credit card, said I could get myself an entire professional wardrobe, so obviously I take him up on it.
Shopping only numbs my feelings for a little while.
Then I’m back home with half a dozen bags filled to the brim with designer outfits, empty all over again. I pop a bottle of champagne, pour a glass, and start at the window.
Somewhere, hundreds of miles away, Scar’s visiting the city we were both supposed to move to. I hope he’s having a good time with the Callahan boys. I hope he’s keeping out of trouble.
A stab of jealousy pierces through me, and I have to shove it away.
This isn’t me. Moping around, feeling sorry for myself. Well, okay, it’s a little me, but still, I don’t let myself get all soppy and sad over some guy.
Scar made his choice. I made mine.
So why am I still feeling this way?
As I pour myself a second glass, the doorbell rings. I go still, surprised. It’s a little past six and we never get deliveries this time of night. Who else would show up without calling?
I walk over to the intercom. It takes a second to figure out how it works. “Uh, hello?”
“Hi, Rita? Okay, I know this is extremely random, but we heard Scar was out for the weekend and you might need something to do. Crap, uh, this is Brice. You know, Carmine’s wife? We met at the Oak? Kat’s here too.”
“Hi, Rita, this wasn’t my idea,” Kat says quickly. “It’s okay if you’re busy!”
“Shush,” Brice whispers. “So, want some dinner? We brought Mexican! The good stuff.”
I blink rapidly, totally taken off-guard. But this is such a sweet gesture, and I have been feeling extremely alone. “Come on up,” I say, buzzing them in.
Brice and Kat appear in a flurry of bags. They make themselves at home, heating everything up, chatting about their husbands, treating me like we’ve known each other for years. After a little while, I even start to forget how miserable I am, and let myself enjoy their company.
“I have to ask,” Kat says, leaning toward me as we eat. She’s got her hands on her clearly pregnant belly. “Is Scar always such a grump? He’s so serious all the time.”
“Says the girl married to Ford,” Brice says, laughing.
“Carmine’s way worse than Ford,” Kat says defensively.
“Scar’s not always so serious,” I say before they start bickering over which husband is grumpier. “He can be sort of funny and goofy sometimes.”
“Goofy?” Kat’s eyebrows shoot up. “I can’t picture it.”
“I couldn’t either, but then he started letting his guard down a little bit.” I smile to myself. “He’s actually pretty funny. You know, when he’s not busy glaring at everything.”
“Scar funny,” Brice says, shaking her head. “What a world.”
Kat laughs, covering her mouth. “We shouldn’t joke. It’s not like our husbands are much better.”
“Ford’s a delight compared to Carmine.” Brice sighs, shaking her head. “The growling protective asshole bit is nice and all, but sometimes I wish he’d ease up a bit.”
“Trouble in paradise?” Kat asks, eyes wide.
“Not at all,” Brice says, grinning. “Just acknowledging that my husband is not as perfect as he thinks he is.”
“They never are,” I say, nodding.
Both girls laugh. Kat leans closer, eyes narrowed. “I heard about the job. Congrats, that was a big deal, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. I plaster a smile on my face. “Totally unexpected.”
“We heard Scar made it happen.” Brice glances at Kat. Her tone softens. “Are you okay? With staying here?”
I blink rapidly as a lump forms in my throat. “Totally fine,” I squeak.
Brice sighs. “Oh, honey. I knew you two were getting closer, just from seeing you together at dinner, and what Carmine was saying-”
“It’s fine, all totally fine,” I say quickly. I don’t want these beautiful, sophisticated women to think I’m just some stupid little girl that falls in love with every man she meets.
Only, Scar is different, and what we have is different. Or what we had. I don’t know what there is between us anymore.
“You have feelings for him,” Kat says. “And it’s not just because you’re fake married.”
“Which is a complicated enough situation,” Brice adds. “Much worse when you start to have real emotions.”
“I don’t, I mean, I’m not-” I stop, take a deep breath, and finish my glass of champagne. “Yeah, I have feelings for him, and I have no clue what to do about it.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Kat says, patting my hand, shaking her head. “It’ll be okay.”
“Did you tell him?” Brice asks. “I know it’s not easy, but-”
“No,” I say quickly and probably with more panic than I meant. “And please don’t mention it, not even to Carmine or Ford. They’ll tell him.”
The girls exchange another look. “We won’t,” Brice says cautiously. “But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from these men, it’s that you’ve got to just take what you want. At least say it out loud so he’s forced to do something about it. Don’t let him drift, thinking he’s doing the right thing.”
“If you like him, go for it,” Kat says, nodding along.
“It’s not that easy. He knows I have feelings, but he’s convinced this whole job thing is best for me. And he’s kind of not wrong. It’s a dream job.” I stare down at my empty glass, taking deep breaths to keep my emotions in check.
“Honey, if it’s a dream job, why do you look so miserable?” Brice asks.
I can’t answer. If I talk, I’m going to start crying. They must know that, because Kat changes the subject, and they carry the conversation for a while. I drink more champagne until I’m feeling all floaty and happy, and after a few hours, the girls head out.
“Call anytime,” Brice says, hugging me. “I mean it. No matter what happens with you and Scar, let’s keep in touch.”
“Same goes for me,” Kat says.
“Thank you both for coming,” I say, feeling tipsy, but better than I did before they came over. “I didn’t realize how much I needed some girl time.”
“Happy to do it.” Brice waves, Kat hugs me, and the pair disappear. I watch them go until they’re around the corner and out of sight.
I shut the door, returning to my empty apartment.
Scar’s empty apartment.
I stand in the living room, staring out the windows, like I have a hundred times. But now I’m replaying that conversation in my head.
I hadn’t admitted out loud what I’m feeling about Scar until that moment. Not even to myself.
I knew it was happening. I feel it happening. The excitement when he’s around, the disappointment when he’s gone. The way I look forward to him walking in the room.
The way I crave his kiss. His touch.
I’m falling. I’m catching feelings. It’s obvious, so stinking obvious, and now that I’ve said it, I can’t pretend like it’s not happening anymore.
I want him. I really, genuinely want him.
But it’s too late. He’s visiting the Callahans and probably told them about the long-distance thing.
I made my choice and so did he.
Only I hate the way things are going, and I don’t know if I can turn back.
I want what they have. Brice and Kat, I want the babies, the husband, the life. Both of them seem so happy, so sure of themselves. It’s like they’re the women I’m striving to be, and instead of following my heart, I’m forcing myself down a path I’m not sure about.
Chasing after a dream job I don’t know will satisfy me.
Scar gives me more than I ever dreamed about. Being with him makes me happy-and a job is only a job. There are a million more jobs out there.
There’s only one Scar.
Heck, I don’t know what to do. Seeing Brice and Kat only made my decision that much harder, because now it seems so obvious I’m doing the wrong thing.
Only I don’t know what’s right.