Tears started in her eyes as she realised she’d moved too fast for him, that he was so deeply hurt, so damaged, that anything more she did tonight would just push him away all over again, even further this time, and then he truly would be gone forever.
“Robbie,” she began, her eyes bright with unshed tears, “I don’t know what happened just now, but I promise you, I will try and make up to you for what you lost, and for what I did. Please don’t lock me out the way I did with you, you’re better than that. I found you again; maybe we can find each other this time. Oh, Robbie, you were my big brother, and I should have held you close; let me keep hold of you now, I swear I won’t ever let you go again, on my life!”
Robbie’s head was whirling. He wanted to believe her, she sounded sincere, but this was Casey! The one person in the world he knew, with a rigid and unbending certainty, he couldn’t trust, selfish, irresponsible, cruel, capricious and uncaring as she was. How did he know this wasn’t just an act, a way of taking something more from him, looking for another way to deprive him of what he had?
“How can I trust you, Casey?” he finally managed, “after all that’s gone before, after all you did, and knowing how much you cost me, how can I trust you? Would you trust someone like you?”
Casey cringed back from the bitterness in his voice, the anguish for all his lost days bubbling below the surface, asking her the one question she dared not answer, because any answer she gave would damn her in his eyes.
“Robbie,” she whispered, “come back, sit down, please, let me show you how much I care, how much I’ve missed you, how much I want to be in your life again, please!”
He sat down, suddenly weary with the whole thing, wishing it were all over, that he’d never caught her eye in the lobby, that he’d never come to Sacramento this day of all days. Tears started in his eyes as the memories of how little his family had thought of him, how little they’d done for him or given him spun and echoed through him, ghosts he thought he’d laid to rest long ago, and his tears spilled over, running freely. For the first time in his life, he cried, for his loss, for the family life so casually denied him, for the careless abandonment he’d endured, for the cruel rejection that he’d done nothing to deserve, while Casey held him close, all his grief and pent-up loss and anguish finally bursting out, a silent flood of tears as the past reclaimed him.
Casey held on to him, smoothing his hair as he cried, frightened by the depth of his grief. All her life she’d ignored him, and now she was remembering how, even as a little boy, when he was denied or ignored, he had never cried, just turned his face away and waited for attention that never came. Sarah had said they would pay, now Casey understood fully what she meant, her heart fragmenting with the knowledge of what she’d done to this poor, sweet, damaged boy, and how he was still paying for it. She cursed herself for being so stupid, so eager to pull him back, she should never have come back with him, he’d let her back in, and now he was paying all over again. He’d left because he wanted to be gone, why couldn’t she have let him stay gone, do that one thing for him?
She pulled him closer to her, cradling his head, tears on her cheeks as she watched her big, sweet, innocent brother collapse in on himself, all his defences crumbling as the long-suppressed past finally tore him apart.
Casey pulled herself further back along the bed, sliding her legs over and behind Robbie, sitting upright to gently pull and urge him to lie against her, still cradling his head as he leaned against her shoulder, stroking his face, whispering to him, hot tears of shame and guilt rolling silently down her face.
At last the shaking stopped, but his arm remained around her waist, clinging to her, Casey still whispering and murmuring into his hair as she rested her head against his, soothing him and letting him know she was there.
And now he slept, absolutely still, immobile, barely a breath sound to indicate he was still alive. Casey cradled his head in her lap, tears coursing down her cheeks as she wept silently and hopelessly, wracked with guilt for all the days she’d taken from him, the life he should have lived, the person he should have been, for the outcast they’d allowed him to become for want of a kind word or gesture. As she wept, she cast about in her mind for something, anything she’d done for him, in all his life, and found nothing.
Sarah had been right — payment had come due, and it was a harsh and bitter tariff. She’d tried to save him to save herself, and this was the result. Why hadn’t she just done the right thing and let him be alone and away from them, the one gift she could have given him that would have meant something? He’d made a new life far from the pathetic travesty of his old one, and now here she was, destroying that as well.
Casey looked down at his sleeping face, young and untroubled in repose, the face of the quiet little boy who had learned far too young that ‘no’ was the only word his family had for him, and cursed herself for leaving him out of her life, their lives, stroking his young face and crying anew for the simple warmth and love he’d been denied for no other reason than because he wasn’t good enough to be one of them.
Robbie woke with a start in the early morning sunlight, confused and disoriented, his head in someone’s lap. He was still dressed, and someone was holding him.
“Good morning!” said a soft voice, and he looked up, memory flooding back as he recognised Casey. She smiled at him, stroking his hair, still a new sensation for him, and very pleasurable, comforting and affectionate.
“You fell asleep. I didn’t want to wake you, so I stayed here with you; it was very nice, actually; you obviously needed the rest, and I don’t often get to hold such a handsome boy all night!”
Her expression and light tone conveyed nothing of the worry she’d felt all night as he lay motionless, afraid she’d locked him into some kind of traumatic, catatonic shell, breathing a sigh of relief when he’d finally wakened, confused but alert. With his awakening had come a rush of relief, and something else, a profound feeling of love and protectiveness for her brother, all the loss and anguish coalescing into a steely determination to keep him close and keep him safe, to keep him near her always and never let him go again.
Robbie stared at her in confusion tinged with wonder. It was Casey, someone he should be avoiding at all costs, that he’d run away from, yet all he could think of was how warm she was, how sweet her smile was, how good she felt as she held him close, and how pretty she was. His head was clear, and when he thought of her and what she’d done, there were only memories, lucid but remote, no anger, no hatred, just images and incidents, like scenes from a movie, remembered in detail, but holding no emotional impact.
“I’m, I’m sorry, you must have been… uncomfortable, I didn’t mean to….!” he began, but Casey just smiled at him, touching her finger to his lips. “It’s OK Robbie, I enjoyed watching you sleep, you looked so restful, it was a pleasure watching over you, really.” she smiled.
Robbie was enjoying her fingers stroking her hair, it really was restful and comforting, and slid his head further into her lap, luxuriating in the sensation of soft fingers twining and stroking his hair, gentle and compassionate. “You must be so tired,” he offered, “You sat there all night, like that. What happened?” he asked, memory vague as to how he’d got here.
Casey stroked his face as she gathered her thoughts. “You were in a pretty bad way, Robbie. I thought at first you were having a breakdown, not that I’d blame you, not after all we put you through, and I knew that you needed me, and it seemed only right, so I held you while you cried. I think it was good for you; you had a peaceful night. I know, because I watched you to make sure nothing happened to you, but you slept like a baby.”
Robbie stared at her, wondering at the change in her, the old Casey no longer evident. He moved his head from her lap to lie stretched on the bed, head on the pillow, and took her hand, shyly kissed her palm, her fingertips, saying “Thank you for staying, Casey, I guess I did need you after all. Can I hug you? Can I hug my little sister to say I’m sorry for being such an asshole?”
Casey smiled, and slid down the bed to lie next to him, stretching out. “Ooh, this feels nice, so nice!” she smiled. Robbie, feeling guilty for depriving her of a night’s sleep, pulled her in for a chaste, brotherly hug, Casey wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in tighter, lips brushing his cheek.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Robbie, and I meant what I said,” she said, “I won’t let you go again!”
He hugged her as closely as he dared, remembering how slight she was, snugging her up close against him, feeling happy for the first time in a long, long time, and still slightly amazed that he was hugging Casey, of all people! She gently ruffled the back of his head, and he let her go, pulling back so he could look at her, smiling, genuinely happy to see her there smiling back at him. He lightly touched her face, her nose, lips, forehead, between her eyes, her chin, features he only vaguely remembered in isolation, and kissed her forehead, brotherly and proper.