He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts as we listened to the sound of crickets chirring in the hot, still air.
“I hope we brought you up well, son, and I know you’ll repay us by doing the same for your own children. I’m proud of you for being who you are, Darryl, not what you are; and even if you weren’t my son already, I’d welcome you into this family to be my son, and Lena’s husband. Take care of her, Darryl; I know I’ve said this before, but I want to say it again; she’s waited her whole life for you, don’t let her down. Pretty soon you’re going to be the man of the family; I know it’s an old-fashioned idea, but it’s true nevertheless, and I need you to be strong for your mum, for Lena, and for Elisabeth and the children; they’re all going to need you in some way, even if it’s just to be there for them. With your mother, though, don’t leave her here alone when I’m gone; she says she wants to stay here after… you know, but she’ll be here alone, and I won’t do that to her; take her home, son, she’s going to need you, all of you, but most especially she’s going to need Lena and little David.”
I listened to this with tears running down my cheeks. I finally got that dad was saying goodbye, and it hurt more than I thought anything could ever hurt. Dad saw, and reached over to rub my cheek.
“It’s okay, son, I’m ready to go soon; I’ve had more time than I would have had, and I’ve done the things I wanted to; I’ve held my grandchildren, found my little girl again, and seen my baby girl happy with the man she’s always wanted, I can go now, I’m ready. You can let me go, I’ll be fine, I promise, and so will you!”
He looked up, and I followed the direction of his gaze, to see Lena standing in the patio door, her hand pressed against her lips and her eyes wide with shock and loss.
“Lena…” he started, and suddenly she was on the lounger next to him, her arms around his neck as she cried into his shoulder. Dad rocked and soothed her like he used to when she was three, murmuring to her as he rocked her against him. As he rocked her, her sobs gradually diminished, until finally she was able to sit up and look at him again, her eyes puffy and red-rimmed, but clear of tears. He grinned at her.
“That’s better; big girls don’t cry, baby-girl!”
“Daddy, how are we going…” she began, but dad silenced her with a finger on her lips.
“Shush, baby-girl, and listen. I was telling Darryl it’s time for me to go; not this instant, but soon; I have everything I needed from both of you now, so I can go knowing I didn’t leave any loose ends for you to tie up. When I’m gone, I want you to take your mother home, okay? Don’t leave her here alone, she’s going to need you, and I know you both need her. I want you both to know I love you, and I always will love you, and I’m proud of you both, and happy that you’re both so happy together. You both found that special person, and I know you’ll always be happy together, so I’m happy. Be well, children!”
He stood up and gave Lena his hand as she stood up, and hugged her again.
“I love you daddy!” she murmured.
“And I love you too, baby-girl!” he said, then held out his arm for me, hugging me as he hugged Lena. With that, there was no more to be said, so we walked inside, where we met Lizzie, who’d obviously been waiting for us to finish saying good bye. Dad also hugged her wordlessly, holding her head close to him as she cried soundlessly, saying her own goodbye. After a while, dad began whispering in her ear, Lizzie nodding occasionally, then dad smiled and smoothed her hair, and Lizzie smiled back through her tears before hugging him once more.
We walked dad to his room, where mum waited. She somehow knew what had just transpired, and kissed all three of us silently, a quick peck and a quick brush on the cheek with her hand, then we left to go back to our rooms and our beds.
Once in bed, I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, the conversation with dad turning over and over in my mind, and when sleep did come, it was fitful and restless. Lena fared no better, the baby waking on cue and needing to be fed, so what with one thing or another, we finally fell asleep at close to 4 a. m.
I’d been asleep for what felt like only a few minutes when a soft knocking at the door jarred me awake. Lena woke with a start, her eyes wide and frightened. Trying to convey that it was nothing to be alarmed about, I slid out of bed and opened the door, to see mum standing there.
“Dar, could you come with me, please?” she asked, her voice calm, but her eyes shining with unshed tears. “Lena…?”
My heart sank as I realised why she wanted us. I picked up my stethoscope from my flight bag and followed her, while Lena scooped up David and tagged in behind me.
When we got to their room I immediately went to dad’s bedside. He appeared to be sound asleep, his face peaceful, relaxed and untroubled, almost young-looking, no sign of any trauma, but one glance told me all I needed to know. I followed procedure anyway, checking for his pulse at wrist, carotid, and breast while tears blurred my eyesight. No breath sounds, no pulse, no heartbeat, and the signs of lividity already beginning to appear. I looked at Lena and she began keening, mum immediately holding her and the baby as they both cried together. He was still warm; his poor, damaged heart must have finally given out just a little while ago. He’d gone in his sleep, so at least I could be grateful for small mercies; there had been no long, drawn-out battle with his illness, no suffering stretched into an eternity of choking and gasping for breath. Some comfort, but not much, not when I wanted my dad so much; I didn’t want him gone peacefully, I wanted him back, now. But he was gone, and we were left to do the last things he had asked of us. I leaned over and placed his hands on his chest, straightened his bedclothes, and kissed him one last time. I looked up and Lizzie was in the doorway.
“Is he..?” she whispered, and I nodded. Two big tears ran down her cheeks, then mum was there to include her in her hug, the three of them surrounding the baby as they mourned our loss. Lena broke away from mum and Lizzie to place David in my arms as she leaned down to hug dad and kiss him one last time, then sat next to me on the bed, her hand finding its way into mine.
I was feeling strange; I had officiated at a few deaths in my career so far, an inevitable consequence of being a doctor, and I had so far managed to maintain a degree of clinical detachment, and now that professionalism was taking over, directing me in what to do next; with a shock I realised dad had been right; I was the man of the family now, not a boy any more, and there were calls to make, wheels to set in motion, arrangements to be made, and it was my responsibility to make sure the right things happened, the way dad would have wanted them done.
I scanned through the notes file and found the number of the doctor who was dad’s specialist at the hospital, and put in a call to him. After a few rings, he answered, more asleep than awake, and I told him dad was gone. He promised me he was on his way, and hung up. Now I didn’t know what to do next, I had no plan until the doctor arrived, and when mum sat down next to me and brushed my hair off my face, that was when I could finally stop being professional, and start mourning my dad.
Mum held me while I cried for him, for all the things I’d wanted to tell him and never had the chance, for all the things his grandchildren would say, and do, and be, things he would never be a part of now, and for my own loss. Mum held me close while I cried myself out, Lena joining me, her hand soft and gentle in mine as she shared my grief and loss.
The wheels gathered momentum as the machinery of death swung into action; death certificate, Chapel of Rest, funeral service and burial. The RAF base at Akrotiri sent six Royal Air Force servicemen in full dress to act as pallbearers, a last gift from his friends and a mark of respect to an ex-RAF serviceman, and a wreath from the Cyprus branch of the Royal British Legion. We laid dad to rest in Dhekelia Military Cemetery in Larnaca, in the Eastern Sovereign Base Area of the island.
I was numb through the whole thing, mouthing responses through the service, and mechanically throwing that symbolic handful of dirt onto the coffin; none of us was ready to say goodbye to him, and even though his illness had numbered his days, none of us had really believed it would ever come to this; Dad was… dad, solid as a rock, father, husband, sometimes judgemental, sometimes stern, sometimes angry, always dependable, usually placid and fair-minded, and always, always there when we needed him; a normal man, the bedrock of our family, and the one certainty in my life as I grew up, and now he was gone.
That gaping hole in my life I had anticipated when he first told us he was dying was now there for real, and it felt like nothing could ever fill it again; then my baby son held my finger as I held him, his tiny hand gripping me tight, and I realised that the hole dad’s passing had left in our lives would gradually fill and heal over as family and life and loved ones rushed in to seal the breach and make us whole again. I smiled as that realisation finally hit home, and Lena, always in tune with me, smiled as well through her tears as she shared in my epiphany.
At the house afterwards, after the last of the mourners and well-wishers had left, we sat and looked around, subtle reminders of dad everywhere, but it was more wistful than grieving; dad was gone, but we were still here, and we were still a family; we had each other, we had mum, and there was still the promise and life of the children to look forward to yet. Dad had left behind a complete family, and that was something he could be proud of.
Eventually Lena left to feed the baby, and mum accompanied her to help, and hold the baby afterwards. Allie came and sat next to me and pulled my arm up and over her shoulders so she could snuggle up against me. Marcus was looking lost, pale and exhausted, so Lizzie took him to put him in bed, leaving just Allie and me to sit in silence. Eventually Allie broke the silence.
“Darryl, who are you? I mean really? Mum says you’re Aunt Emma’s nephew, Lena says you’re her boyfriend, so does Nana, but today, it was like you were more than that; like you were something else, someone everyone loves but no-one wants to talk about. Nana’s always touching your face or brushing your hair back when she thinks no-one’s looking, and she acts like she’s your mum. Grandad was Lena and mum’s dad, but it was like he was your dad as well, not just your girlfriend’s dad, so tell me; really, who are you? ‘Cos I’m really confused…”