So much pain and anguish had been caused. She sighed again, looking at the body that she figured was the culprit of all the problems she’d had lately. She took off her shirt in one swift motion, followed by her bra. Standing half-naked, she turned side-profile and looked at her breasts.
They were two sacks of fat and grown men would almost kill each other to be able to see them. Grown men would lie and cheat and steal for them.
She shook her head and pulled her shirt back on. Class was starting tomorrow. Maybe that would keep her distracted enough so that she had something to take her mind off of what had happened.
She turned to lay back on her bed and closed her eyes. After a few minutes, she fell asleep. A flash of something fired through her brain. She saw herself on her knees, sucking a faceless demon’s cock. It had giant red horns and a smooth half-sphere where the face should have been. Its cock was enormous but she was taking it with ease. She saw its face morph into that of Pastor Dan. She tried to stop sucking him off, but he was holding her down, cumming in her mouth. She opened her eyes then, still safe in her room. It had been just a dream, but it had been so very vivid.
She sighed deeply, opening her eyes and staring up at the ceiling. She felt a tingling sensation and realized that the thought had turned her on. Her nipples were hard and rubbing against the fabric of her shirt. Her pussy throbbed, aching to be touched.
She swore quietly and stood, heading to the bathroom. Almost as if she were on automatic, she entered and stripped down. Only then did she look up and seem to focus. Dane was standing there, looking very surprised like a deer in the headlights.
“Sorry,” she said quietly, shaking her head and turning to leave.
“It’s all yours,” he said, putting down the comb and leaving.
She smiled weakly at him and stepped into the shower, turning the water on as hot as she could stand.
The past three months had been a little weird for Samantha. On one hand, she’d been furious at so many things. On another, she’d been changed, and she was trying to come to terms with what that new woman looked like. She kept asking herself what parts of her interactions with Pastor Dan did she regret? All of them… right? Wasn’t that the correct answer?
Her family tried to help her, but she would only really speak to Alex. She felt she could really be honest with her over all of her family. Alex seemed to see right through her when she was trying to be dishonest, or trying to spare someone’s feelings.
She’d finally been able to realize and come to terms with the fact that she hadn’t regretted absolutely all of what Pastor Dan had done to her, and that had hit her hard.
Keith, her adorably oblivious, idiot boyfriend, had been infinitely patient with her. The few times he’d tried to take things to a more intimate level, she’d quietly shut him down. He’d heard the rumors too, but thought too highly of Samantha to make the glaringly obvious connection. She hadn’t told him either. He was too good of a person, and too patient of a boyfriend to hurt like that.
Alex had been wonderful to talk to. Sam figured she should probably have a professional to talk to, but wasn’t quite sold on that yet. Alex would come in to her room at night most nights and ask if she wanted to talk. Sam rarely did, though.
Last night had been one of the exceptions, Alex had pointed something out that made a lot of sense. They’d been talking about what happened, and Sam had told her pretty much everything that had gone on, what she’d been feeling and the like.
“I was upset at first, I think, from just the shock of what had been revealed, you know?” she said. They were laying down looking up at Samantha’s ceiling and the glow in the dark stars that she’d glued up there when she was younger. “Then after I was done being a cry-baby,” she said venomously.
“Sam,” Alex started to say.
“I was pissed. I’m pissed off most days. I just don’t think that… It doesn’t feel like…” she said. She couldn’t seem to put the words just right. “It feels like I should be angrier at Dan than I am lately.”
Alex had raised an eyebrow at that.
“I mean, I’m pissed off. I’m mad at him and at his wife. I’m mad at myself. God… I’m mad at myself above all.”
Alex had just nodded, letting her vent and rant.
“I mean, I look back and think, “What the fuck was I really thinking?” I had to know what was going on. A blind person could see that. Did I really and truly believe the shit he was telling me?” she asked quietly.
Alex sighed and turned over to look at her, though Sam continued to stare at the ceiling. “He was a very skilled talker Sam. He was a Pastor, after all. Talking to people and convincing them of fantastic things is his entire job.”
She nodded. “I get that. I just… it’s like if I think back to an individual session we had and just think about myself, and what I was doing… it’s a turn on. It’s not anger-inducing, you know? I mean, obviously Dan’s entire endgame was to have sex with me, but he seemed really content with just oral sex and foreplay. Thinking about doing those things, if I just think about them and not who I was doing them to… total turn on.”
Alex nodded. “I think it might have been more of the entire act of corrupting you, or if you want to call it something nicer, seducing you.”
Sam snapped her fingers at that point. “You’re right,” she said, staring off in thought. “That puts this whole thing into a different light.”
Alex nodded again.
“I mean, he’s a predator, for sure. He’s dangerous, manipulative,” Sam said.
“Sweetie, he’s a sociopath,” Alex said.
Sam thought about that for a minute. “Possibly,” she said. “But still, I feel like I’m not as angry at him as I should be.”
Alex sighed, running a hand through Sam’s hair. “I guess… it would be easier to hate him if he’d been less manipulative and more aggressive.”
Sam nodded and had turned in for the night after that. After Alex’s observant statement, she’d been able to more clearly see the issue.
Pastor Dan was a manipulative sociopath, who used coercion to get her to do things with him that she wouldn’t normally do with her boyfriend, let alone her priest. Had he raped her? Not in the strictest sense of the word. In reality? Of course he had!
If she told that story to a hundred people, every one of them would say the same thing.
The thing that bothered her the most, was that he did it while trying to convince her that he was her friend. He was forcing a sexual act on her, or out of her, and he was doing it while he was smiling and trying to be nice to her. She had done it out of kindness to him, and it turned out that she was being lied to. That was the cruelest cut of them all. He’d betrayed her trust and coerced her into sexual acts while using her own good heart against her.
As she realized all of this, all of the anger seemed to coalesce into one little sphere. Now, she could finally start to forget him. Now, she realized, she could finally start to heal and form some semblance of normalcy in her life. Sure, she would never be the same after what had happened; ever. At least she’d be able to move on. She still believed in God. She believed in forgiveness and in sin. She just didn’t know if she could ever forgive Pastor Dan. The white-hot ball of anger seemed to cool within her when she thought about him and what he’d done.
“Fuck him,” she said. She looked up into the stream of water and said it louder. “FUCK HIM!”
She refused to let what he’d done affect her any more than it already had. No more tears. She’d made her mistakes. She’d admitted them, and she was ready to move on. Stepping out of the shower, she toweled off and looked at herself in the mirror. Turning side-profile again, she looked at herself and smiled. She was attractive. She thought about how much Keith liked to play with her breasts and the thought made her smile.
Standing nude in front of the mirror, she spun around again, looking at how good she looked.
She was alive. She was healthy. She was sexy, smart, funny, and her boyfriend loved her. Pastor Dickhead couldn’t take that away anymore, no matter how hard he tried.
“Fuck him,” she said. “May he burn in hell.”
He couldn’t hurt her any more.