As always, the first thing I did was have a drink with dad, opening the bottle of whiskey and pouring two shots, sipping at one while pouring the other where he was buried. It was a tradition I’d done since I’d first put the old man in the ground, and if or when I had a son, hoped he’d do the same thing with me once I dropped. Laying the rug on the ground, Emily and I sat down as my sister sat on her knees near my father’s plaque.
Wiping it clean of dirt and dust, she leaned down and kissed it. “I miss you so much, daddy,” she whispered, “So much that it hurts every single day. And it has hurt ever since the day I saw you lowered into this place.” I took Emily by the hand as Maggie sat back on her knees, gazing out over the horizon. I think whatever was coming was for our benefit as well as hers.
“I always loved you, daddy, but I knew when I was growing up that it was more than just the love of a daughter for her father. Well, it was that, it was always that, but it was always something more. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was taboo, but I always thought that maybe, because I loved you so much, that you would love me in return the same. Once mother died, and losing her hurt me because I know it broke your heart, I thought I could… help you. Have you.
But you broke my heart by rejecting me, daddy. I would have done anything to make you happy. I would have been your woman from the moment I was of age until the end of our days.” She choked back a sob. “I wanted you to be my first, daddy. I wanted you to make me a woman. I wanted to be with you, to feel you inside me, to take me to our bedroom every night and make love. But you said no, that it wasn’t right, that I wasn’t going to replace your mother. I never wanted to replace her. Never! I was going to be a good daughter by making my father happy. We would have made love every night. I would have been a good little housewife. And I would have been happy.
But you hurt me with everything you said, and that’s why I had to leave. I couldn’t remain here, being in love with you, and have to deal with the fact I wanted but couldn’t have you. I know I’m… weird. I know what I wanted is wrong everywhere. But I didn’t care. I just wanted you.”
She took a deep breath, wiping her cheeks. “You left me thinking I was worthless of any real love. I knew what I wanted was thought to be wrong, but I left here thinking no-one would want a freak like me. And I could never be with any sort of man who would remind me of a you. A good man. A proud man. A kind man.” She glanced my way, tears falling down her cheeks. “Someone like my brother is too, daddy. I look at my brother and see you in many ways.”
She turned back to the plaque and kissed it. “I’m so sorry for leaving how I did, daddy. But I couldn’t bear coming back here, knowing how I felt, you knowing how I felt, yet you just wanted me to act like the good little daughter I’d always been. I couldn’t do that, daddy. I couldn’t lie to myself. It hurt me too much. So that’s why my life is like it is. I didn’t deserve real love. I didn’t want it. Emily’s father… Chris’s father… they were half-decent at best. But with every passing year, knowing you’re no longer here, that I can’t even speak to you…” She stared to sob, lying on the grass. “I’m sorry, daddy. So, so, sorry. But I loved you more than life itself. All I wanted in my life was for you to love me the same way. Then you were gone… and I couldn’t come back.”
Emily cuddled into me, knowing she was crying too. Hell, I could feel the moisture in my eyes. Suddenly, everything was now very clear. My sister was a broken woman. The fact she loved our father in that way? Yes, it was a surprise, but to see her so clearly shattered in front of me… the fact she loved him like that didn’t matter. But it explained everything, in a way.
Standing up, I walked over and helped my sister to her feet, holding her in my arms as she sobbed. Cried harder than I’d ever seen. Years, even decades of sorrow and regret was flooding out. Emily walked over and hugged her, wrapping my arms around both of them. I let her cry for as long as she needed. That sort of heartache for so long, no wonder she was a mess.
She calmed down a little later, eventually just sniffing, before leaning back to wipe her cheeks. Leading them both back to the rug, we sat down and I poured her a shot of whiskey, pouring one for myself. I offered one to Emily, but she shook her head. Maggie knocked it back, holding the glass out for another one, no surprise her hand was shaking. She knocked the second one back slower before she sighed.
“How long have you two been having sex?”
“About two months after I got here, Mum.”
“Guess I can’t really say anything, otherwise I’d sound like a hypocrite.”
“It does explain a few things though, Maggie,” I said, meeting her eyes, “I had no idea…”
“I’m sure you remember the arguments, but you probably only heard yelling, not the content.”
“I don’t really remember to be honest. But, yeah, I remember the arguments.” I ran fingers through my hair. “Shit, I mean… what you’re talking about, Maggie… I know what Emily and I…”
“I’m proud of you, Mum.”
“You are?”
Emily smiled. “That took courage to share those sort of feelings in front of us. The depth of emotion, the heartache you must have felt and still feel, the fact you knew it was wrong but were determined to try and make it work…”
“I thought I could convince daddy it was okay, that only we would ever know,” she whispered, sniffing again, “But he never gave in. Never came close to even thinking about it. He never called me any names, but I knew he thought I was weird, deviant, any other word you can think. That’s what I’ve thought of myself for years now so… I’ve spent most of that time just trying to forget about it. But that’s just impossible without… help.”
“That night, Maggie… before Emily came here…”
She sighed again. “I barely remember, Bruce. Gods honest truth. Brian made sure I spent most of the time fucked up, one way or another. Again, comes to wanting to just forget. At heart, I knew he was a fuckwit but…”
“So that phone call?” I wondered.
“He spun me bullshit, and in my frazzled mind, I believed him. My tart of a daughter coming onto my boyfriend, suggesting she should have him instead of me. You wouldn’t know the sort, Bruce, but I’ve obviously known some real pieces of work.” She started to cry again. “But I know I’ve been a horrible mother most of her life. And then there’s Chris…”
“What happened, Mum? Why has he basically disappeared from our lives?”
“I thought he was going to be like me, that he’d want to be with his mother, so I let him know that was okay, that I’d be willing to give myself to him, unlike my father, who denied me. It… horrified him. He said I was completely fucked up in the head. He packed up within a couple of days. I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Fucking hell, Maggie,” I muttered.
She cried a little harder. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew Emily wasn’t a lesbian. My son is a good man, but I thought if his mother has such thoughts, then maybe it’s… genetic or something. But all he had to do was say no, he wasn’t interested, and would have left it at that.”
“Did you want to have sex with my brother, Mum?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Shit, being with him would be better than most of the idiots I’ve been with over the years. But it was more a case of what he wanted, not me. If he wanted me, I would have… liked it. At least I knew my son did love me.”
I ran fingers through my hair again. “Shit.”
“I’d just like to hear his voice again,” she said softly.
“I’ll sort it out, Maggie.”
She looked between the pair of us. “I should be mad at you, Bruce.”
“Mum…” Emily warned.
To my surprise, she smiled. “I said I should be mad, Emily, but I’m not.” She took a deep breath. “I needed to get that off my chest. The heartache will always remain, but… coming back here has done me some good. And seeing how you two are together, I can almost close my eyes and imagine it’s me and daddy.” She opened her eyes and looked at me. “How long can I stay?”
I took her hand and squeezed it. “You’re home, Maggie, so as long as you need to stay.”
“But Bruce and I are together, Mum. Can you handle that?”
“It’ll take getting used to, I guess, but you’re now a young woman, capable of her own decisions. And considering I’ve just confessed I was in love with my own father and wanted him intimately, I guess I can’t really give advice.”
“We’re going to get married and I want his children, Mum. This is serious.” She paused before adding, “I’m really surprised you’re not freaking out a lot more about this. It’s actually worrying me.”
“My life has been a mess since I left this place, Emily. The only place I’ve ever felt at home was here, despite the fact I hated being here. And I know you felt the same way. I remember how you cried whenever you left here after your visits.” She looked at me. “And I know what Bruce is like. No surprise he practically ordered you out here so you were safe. He’s a good man, a good provider, and he’ll make a good father to your children.”
I looked around. “Right, where is the real Maggie and who is this impostor?”
“I’m feeling better, Bruce. I’m still sore, and still hurt, but I’m feeling better. Better than I have in a long time. Helps when one has a clear head. Sure, that doesn’t really help with the memories that come flooding back, but I think it’s about time I faced instead of running from my demons.”
“Remember when we were little and we actually liked each other?”
“Brother hugs?”
I glanced at Emily, who returned a grin. “Yeah, brother hugs.”