I realized with disgust that I didn’t want any of those memories right now. I scanned the walls and found the one picture that I truly wanted. It was hanging above the couch, and was a picture of my daughter and me going fishing. She was just a little girl when that photo was taken, no more than about 7 years old. I grabbed the picture off the wall, put it on top of my suitcase, and gave the rest of house one final sad look. Shawn and I both finished our beer, left the bottles on the table, and turned for the door.
There, standing in the doorway, was my beautiful daughter, with her hands on her hips. She looked shocked, to say the least. I had hoped to avoid this kind of confrontation. Being honest with myself, I really was glad she had come so I could say goodbye to her. I loved her almost as much as her treacherous mother, probably more now.
“Daddy, what’s going on?”
I couldn’t lie to her, but I had to omit some details about my future. “Honey, after last night, your mom and I are having some pretty serious problems. I need to get away for a while to sort some things out.”
“WHAT?!?” she asked, incredulous. “What happened?”
“All I can say is that things are pretty tough right now. Not sure if your mom told you, but we had a pretty big fight last night. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and don’t know how your mom and I can get past it. I can tell you though, that I love you with all my heart. I will always be available for you, should you need anything at all.” I moved to her and hugged her tightly as I said this.
“I haven’t talked to Mom yet… Dad what happened?”
“Honey, basically your mom got mad at me, she thought I cheated on her. Before even talking to me about it, she made some pretty bad choices, to get revenge on me.”
She pulled away from me, a scowl on her face. “So did you? DID YOU CHEAT ON MOM?” she asked vehemently.
“Absolutely not! I would never do that to her. EVER,” I replied to her, much calmer than I felt at that time. I really wanted to just start breaking shit, but held it in, for my daughter’s sake.
She visibly cooled some, and went on. “What do you mean, she got revenge on you?” she asked.
“You will need to ask her, honey. It hurts too much for me to talk about right now.”
Sadly, her face took on an expression of pain, as I imagine the light bulb went on for her. I was afraid of how she would handle it, but she just nodded her head, tears starting to form at the corners of her eyes. All I could do was hold her, and try to give her the strength to carry on. Problem was, I wasn’t sure I had that much strength to go around. It took a full four minutes, but she finally calmed enough to release the hold she had on me. It broke my heart again to see her in pain, knowing that things would probably only get worse. DAMN IT CAITLIN! IF YOU HAD ONLY TALKED WITH ME FIRST!
“Honey, none of the problems that your mom and I are going through are your fault, do you hear me?” She nodded her acknowledgement. “Maddy, if anything comes up, call my cell phone. When your mother gets home later, just tell her I had to get away for a while, and I will call her when I feel up to talking with her.”
“OK Daddy,” she said as she sniffled some more. “Are you going to get a divorce?” Those damn tears were coming back again.
I tried to intercept the dam bursting, “Honey, honestly I don’t know. I really love your mother, but I need some time to think. No matter what, you know that your mom and I both love you very much. You can TRUST me, OK?”
She nodded again, but still looked on the verge of crying. She is so tough, and it makes me so proud to see my little girl all grown up. It may all be a part of life, but it was still hard to see them grow up. Anyone else that has kids knows what I am talking about. She stepped to me and we embraced again, this one for goodbye.
“I love you so much. I WILL call you, you can count on it!”
“I love you too daddy!”
I spun on my heels, and opened the front door. Shawn was waiting for me outside, having carried a few of my things out already, while I was comforting my daughter. I grabbed my laptop bag, and slung my gym duffel bag over my shoulder. We proceeded to get into our own cars, for the drive back to his place. It was a somber drive, and even the cloudy sky agreed with my mood. I couldn’t help but wonder where Caitlin was right then. The more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. My partner was going to get his, that was about the only certainty I had right then.
My car doesn’t have an autopilot, but thankfully my brain did. I kept the car on the road somehow, and even managed to follow my friends’ car all the way back to his place. We unloaded my stuff into his spare room, and I put my toiletries in his bathroom. We sat facing each other for what seemed like eternity, but only ten minutes had passed.
“OK, that’s it. I am taking you out to get hammered. Enough of this moping around shit! Let’s go, right now!”
Shawn was obviously as tired as I was of the pervasive funk that had settled over us (think Pigpen in Peanuts). “Ugh,” I grunted as an intelligent answer, and then articulated it with, “I guess.” I was definitely preparing for a ‘high society’ event at the moment.
Well, I’d like to say that Shawn and I had a great time, laughed it up and just got drunk, but that would be a lie. I was still miserable, but at least after getting so drunk, I was laughing at some stuff. The Tequila shots are what did me in though, well, pretty sure it was Tequila. Shawn had them feeding us a steady stream of those little round glasses, and somewhere along the way I blacked out.
I have these fleeting moments of clarity, when I was capable of conscious thought, but for the most part I just remember waking up still feeling drunk. I was on the floor, next to the couch, feeling like I got tossed around in a Tornado. To add insult to injury, I was pretty sure I was naked. I don’t think I want to know what happened now. I think blacking out might have been the best thing to happen to me in the last few days. God, that dinner with my wife and daughter had been fantastic, and that was only three days ago now. How could life get so screwed up so quickly?