I didn’t have an answer for him and I don’t think he would have liked what I would have said. Hell, I didn’t know if I liked what I thought or how I felt. Instead of hurting him and cutting myself open for him, I didn’t say anything. I remained quiet. My world was crashing around me and my ears were ringing. I lowered my head and the tears flowed of their own volition.
Ethan leaned down and I flinched as his arms wrapped around me. They were strong and broad. His embrace was warm and promised I could lean on him. I attempted to get to my feet only to fall. My face twisted from the pain and I wanted to cry and wallow in my own self-pity. Standing, he pulled me up and held me as my body gave up. I collapsed against him.
I wanted to get to Shane, needed to. As if on cue, the weak mate bond snapped, and just like in my dream, it was gone. Only, this time, the pain I was feeling was because of Shane and not because of Ethan. The world was cold, the warmth I’d been able to feel from Shane for too short an amount of time was gone. I’d wallowed for too long. I missed my chance to touch him, to feel him, to soothe him as he took his last breath. It gutted me. This time he died alone. My heart twisted knowing that I hadn’t helped him or been by his side only made it hurt more.
I couldn’t do anything. My chest was restricted and I struggled to breathe. I took deep breaths as I struggled to get oxygen in. the one I was destined for was gone. The one who’d chase me through lifetimes, the one who had no one but me, the one who loved me so much it hurt. I looked past Ethan to Shane as he lay on the ground.
For a second time in less than twenty-four hours, I was losing him again, I lost him again. I pushed off of Ethan, stumbled before I lost my footing, and walked away from him. He didn’t question me or ask where I was going. He knew. He knew and let me. I didn’t stop until I was standing above Shane. I fell to my knees in front of him. My gaze darted from his face to his chest as I searched for a sign of life, even though I knew he was gone.
I reached out and cupped his blood-splattered cheek with my palm. He was still warm, a false sense of relief washed over me at the lie. I swiped away the spit on his face. I didn’t hold back the sobs as they wracked my body and I didn’t pretend his death didn’t hurt. I don’t think I could at this point. I wasn’t pretending anymore. Goddess, I was so fucking done pretending. It didn’t matter who was looking and it didn’t matter what they thought.
“I don’t understand,” Gabe murmured from behind me.
There was pain, shock, and disbelief in his voice. I did what they wanted, I did what needed to be done, I killed him, I tried to. I broke the curse in the process even though it was the furthest thing from my mind It should have been a priority but I didn’t even question it. I was mourning, I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t hide it.
Why hadn’t it been a priority? Was it not a priority because of the mate bond? Was there anything I could have done? Warm hands wrapped around my shoulders but I couldn’t peel my gaze from Shane.
Maybe he would come back like earlier. I knew it was because I hadn’t stabbed him through the heart like I initially thought but I couldn’t help but hope. I shook my head and gripped Shane’s shoulder and hand tightly as I was lifted and pulled through the air.
No, please.
Not yet.
Don’t take me away.
I don’t want to leave him.
With a yank, Shane disappeared from my grasp, and I was hauled away from him. My feet hovered off the ground and I fought him. I punched, kicked, and fought him but he held me tighter as he cradled me in his arms. Ethan pressed a kiss to my forehead and soothing words were whispered into my ear. Giving up, giving in, I slumped against him. I still couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t raise my chin, I couldn’t bear to look him in the eye. I was too afraid of what I’d see there. What came next dashed my fears.
“It’s okay,” Ethan’s voice was gentle.
Why was he being so kind to me? Why was he holding me? Why was he trying to soothe me? I had hurt him, I had hurt us, I had possibly ruined us. Yet still, still he wanted me? The war had stopped, the fighting had stopped. I lifted my eyes and found people waiting. I could feel their eyes on me. I squeezed them closed and turned my face into Ethan’s chest. I didn’t deserve to be here but I was back where I belonged. I was back where I was supposed to be. Ethan’s spine stiffened and his chest expanded as he inhaled a lungful of air.
“The war is over. Your Alpha is dead. Desert Moon has won,” Ethan’s voice boomed. “I am your Alpha now. This is no longer Half Moon. Those of you who don’t show loyalty to me will be dealt with. Your Beta Odis and Gamma Darci will fill you in on what happens next.” Both stepped forward as Ethan turned from the crowd.
“I’m coming with you.”
The voice belonged to Gabe and I felt relief, a feeling I didn’t deserve. Ethan turned from everyone and headed toward the packhouse. When we got there, someone opened the door and we walked through. I was lowered into the chair. Looking up, I avoided eye contact as I identified the people standing around me. Ethan, Gabe, Leo, and a handful of Deltas.