I did everything I came here to do, so why, why did my chest hurt? I felt like there was a gaping hole in my chest. Why didn’t I feel good? Why didn’t I feel happy? Why did I feel like I made a mistake that couldn’t be undone? Why didn’t I… why couldn’t I take off the mask that I’d been wearing since the first day I came here? The one that was meant to be fake, the one that was meant to fool him? Why did it feel like the only one who was fooled was me?
The sun would be rising soon. It would mark the third day I came here. I could take the mask off now but it wouldn’t come off. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t figure out what was real anymore. I had the feeling that if I thought too deeply into it, I would know that I wasn’t wearing a mask. I would know that I never was. I would know that I had been honest with myself, that for once since the beginning of this life, I had been more honest with myself than I ever have been.
These last two days hadn’t been a facade, it had been real. I hadn’t just been in the moment, I hadn’t just been pretending to be with Shane. I hadn’t been pretending to enjoy the date or the swim in the pool. The way my heartbeat sped up with him wasn’t pretend, every kiss, every orgasm had been real.
I had enjoyed every minute with him. Every terrifying minute, every traitorous hour I spent by his side, every passionate kiss. I’d enjoyed every second of our date and I loved it. I loved it more than I should have. Last night, I went to bed in his arms for the last time and I don’t know how I’m going to bed tonight without him. My gaze locked on the sword sticking out of his chest. It was as if fate were staring back at me, pointing its judgmental finger and laughing at me. Was I always meant to kill him?
Did I ever have a chance?
His words haunted me. Did we ever have a chance? Were we doomed from the beginning? Even after knowing everything, even after seeing the dream, had I moved too quickly? Had I been too stubborn in my ways? Tears streamed down my cheeks. There was no point in this, it was already done. I’d made my choice and I’d killed him. I sobbed, I was unable to look at him, so I looked down at the sheets.
I love you.
Those three words were like a spark. I remembered his sweet words whispered in the cover of darkness. His words were bold and firm in my mind. Tears dripped from my chin onto my hand and into the sheets below me.
Inhaling, I could still smell us in the air. I could smell what we’d done. I could smell our lovemaking. I could still feel him in me and on me. My chest hurt and I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I could still feel his lips on me, his chest against mine, his hips as they thrust against me. I could taste him on my lips. A sadness, I never thought I’d feel spread in my chest and I felt cold, so cold. His voice was filled with a love that I didn’t deserve, I should have known. I know I should get up and leave, do something but I can’t. I can’t think past these four walls, I can’t think about what lies outside his door. I didn’t want to leave here, I didn’t want to leave him. I lay my head down on his chest, near the sword. My fingers gripped the blood-soaked shirt as I cried myself to sleep.
***
The concept of time is lost to me and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now, I don’t know what I need to do. Gray eyes stare at me in the darkness. There’s no way I’m seeing who I think I’m seeing. If I am… I have to be dead because this isn’t possible. She can’t be here. She’s dead.
“O-Olivia?” I asked.
She doesn’t say anything for a moment and I think I might have finally lost it. I’ve been juggling a lot and I’ve finally gone insane. A sickening laugh fills the air, it’s sinister and I’m not sure what is going on. It also doesn’t confirm or deny that I’ve lost it, it only confirms that I heard correctly.
“Yes,” she answers innocently.
“What-How are you here? Am I going crazy?”
“What’s going on, Ady? Didn’t you miss me?” She broke into laughter. “A lot has happened and I’m not sure whether I should be happy or sad honestly.” Her voice was quiet at the end.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Why don’t you tell me? What have you done?” Olivia asked in her not-so-Olivia voice.
“I-I…”
“You what? Did you kill someone?” She asked. “Hmm?”
“Yes,” I answered.
“Did you fall in love with someone?”
“No… I-I don’t know… that’s not possible,” I said.
“Oh, ho, ho, I think it is. I’ve been reborn by your side, life after life. I had to pull a few strings, I had to pull your strings but in the end, you finally did it, didn’t you? I never thought you could, never thought you would but look at you. I should be thanking you but I don’t want to.”
“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.” Olivia is rambling and I shouldn’t be able to make sense of anything she’s saying. I’m confused by why it’s making sense.
“I didn’t remember you and even if I did, the curse prohibited me from telling you how to break the curse, even if I wanted to tell you. Even Ethan couldn’t know that bit of information, although I’m sure he suspected there was a way,” Olivia continued.