The path in front of me had blurred but I knew where I needed to go, I knew what I needed to do. It would hurt him, it would hurt me but I didn’t want him to be here for this. I never wanted him to see this. I closed my eyes to block Ethan out. I didn’t want to look at him, I didn’t want him to see my reaction to Shane, his hands on me, and I didn’t want him to see that I liked it. Goddess, I liked it.
“What’s punishable by death, is killing warriors guarding their pack. Why are you here? I’m not doing anything she doesn’t want. Just look at her, can you tell me who she belongs to?” Shane asked.
“She bears my mark. She’s mine,” Ethan spat as he fought to keep his head up.
“Mm… let’s ask her, why don’t we? Ady, who do you belong to?” Shane asked.
Shane’s fingers lifted my chin until my gaze locked with his. There’s anger, irritation, and a pinch of hope. He wants to believe I’ll pass this test, he wants to believe that I want him, he wants to believe that unlike the time at the Crescent Moon Ball, I’ll choose him. We both know that there’s a high chance I might not choose him but he’s giving me a chance.
It’s a chance that I can’t turn away from. I swallow the bitter taste of what’s to come. The choice is obvious, it’s right in front of my face. I know what I should say but I can’t bring myself to say it. There’s so much more to his question than meets the eye. There’s so much more behind the meaning of his question. thinking back to the past and the present, I can’t help that the lines are blurred. I might not even know what the right answer is. Is there a wrong answer? Looking into his eyes, I shared the truth he wanted to hear.
“I’m yours, Shane. I choose you, it always should have been you. I didn’t choose you then but I choose you now,” I whisper.
“That’s a good girl,” Shane growled.
He closes the distance between us and my eyes widen for a fraction of a second before I squeeze them shut. I don’t want to do this in front of Ethan, I don’t want to hurt my mate but I don’t have a choice. Shane and I have been sharing kisses all day. It wouldn’t make sense to back up now, as much as I want to. There are no excuses. I can’t push him away. He kisses me deeply, passionately, like a feral beast.
He kisses me as if he’s been waiting for this day his entire life and I hate the sharp twinge of guilt that stabs my heart. He smiles against my lips and tears roll down my cheeks. Ethan makes a noise but I try to block it out, I try to block him. If he didn’t come here, he wouldn’t have gotten captured, he wouldn’t have been beaten, and he wouldn’t have to see this. I didn’t want him to see any of this but now that he’s here, I don’t have a choice. When we separate, Shane’s body turns from me toward Ethan.
“She’s mine,” Shane murmurs. “After all this time, she’s finally mine.”
When I finally open my eyes, I turn to face Ethan. The look on his face guts me. The look he’s giving me looks like I just stabbed him in the chest. He’s looking at me like I just plunged my claws into his chest and ripped his heart out myself. Goddess, I want to cry. I want to tell him I’m sorry. I want to ask him to forgive me but I don’t deserve it. Kissing Shane is not the worst that I’ve done here today.
Since I came to Half Moon, I have been trying my hardest to focus on him and the plan. It has been eating me alive. Today, I decided to focus on Shane and I pushed out any thought of Ethan. I ignored the tinge of guilt that pierced my chest from time to time.
I was doing the right thing, I knew I was, wasn’t I? After the dream, I had made my decision, I loved Ethan, I know I did. I needed to protect him, I needed to protect Gabe, and I needed to protect Desert Moon from him. I couldn’t let Ethan’s presence here stop me from doing what I came here to do. I couldn’t even tell him I was sorry. I needed to play my part and I needed to do it well. Ethan looked up at me, disbelief and pain etching into his features.
“Adea,” Ethan pleaded. “What is this? Wh-what going on?” He groaned.
I didn’t miss the way he stammered. He was still hoping this wasn’t real but I could see the doubt starting to fill his eyes. I could practically feel it filling the room. I didn’t forget what we’d talked about before I left. We talked about pups and I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell him yes, yes, yes but we couldn’t, not until the enemy was eliminated. I swallowed. I’d used his insecurity about Shane against him. With Shane, I was his weakness. With Ethan, I knew how to hurt him. There was only one thing that made him weak, there was one way to make him spiral and hate me. I had to use his insecurity regarding Shane.
“You were right. There was more with Shane. You were right about me wanting him at the meeting.” I needed to sell this, I needed him to believe me.
“No,” he shook his head. “I don’t… I don’t understand,” he said as he swayed.
He was lightheaded and could barely keep up with what I was saying. My heart was tearing, ripping, breaking. I’d tried to ignore the overwhelming guilt I felt as it ran into me like a freight train. I was the worst person in the world but I’d already come too far.