Now
Adea
Long black curls of hair fell down on the bed, eyelashes fanned his cheeks and a sharp nose. I recognized him instantly, I remembered what I had forgotten. The man who came for me, the man whose love was painful, the man who kept his promise was in front of me, laying in bed with me.
My fingers trembled as I reached out to touch him. We were running and we’d almost been free. We would have been free… if not for the witch. My fingers froze. The ritual. She’d completed the ritual.
Goddess. Ethan. The memory of me crying, sobbing, and screaming on the metal table melted into the day Shane ripped his heart out of his chest. The pain I had felt had been real.
The loss of my mate had been real. The hate Shane felt for him had been real. The rough way he took me that night had been real. The sword through his chest had given me the revenge I wanted but it wasn’t enough.
The loss of my child had been real. The wish for death had been real. The memory quickly melted into something else, something new. The first day I met Shane. The butterflies I’d felt in my stomach.
The current life I was living flashed through my mind. The night I met Ethan at the Crescent Moon Ball, the way Shane’s hands had felt wrong on me in the courtyard. On the day of the trial where Shane was exiled.
The lives I had been living were zipping through my mind and had I been standing it would have been crippling. Instead, I was in bed gripping my chest. I wasn’t sure what happened that day on the table with the witch but I had a feeling I knew.
Things had completely changed after the ritual. Ethan went from being the Alpha to being my mate. Did he also get dreams or was he excluded from that? The Ethan that I’ve known here, have grown to love, have promised to live the rest of my life with didn’t resemble the man that did those horrible things to me.
Whereas Shane… I watched him as he lay beside me, peacefully sleeping. Shane had never really changed. He’d always been the same. The only difference is he didn’t have me. He didn’t have my love, he had been alone.
Doomed to keep being reborn and watching me with someone else. The Moon Goddess hadn’t even taken pity on him and made someone else for him. Instead, he was forced to live every single one of his lives alone.
Is that why I hated her in my last life? Because I realized how fucked things had become? Because I knew the truth but couldn’t help the love I felt for the reborn Ethan? I was teetering on the edge of insanity.
My heart broke for the man by my side, the truth had given me a light on the situation, and now that I knew the truth what was I going to do with it?
Would I change directions? Would I continue with what had planned? Did I even know what I wanted anymore? As I stared down at the man beside me, I was conflicted about what I should do.
Did knowing the truth of the past, one from before this time, would it change me? Would it change anything about this life? Should I allow it to? The injustice of what had happened was behind me, behind us.
Lies. If that was true, wouldn’t he have moved on? My heart broke. He’d never given up. He’d never stopped chasing after me. He never stopped coming for me. In every life after the ritual, he never gave up on me.
I sniffled and my shoulders slumped forward as a sob wracked my body. The sadness of it all was breaking me, tearing down my walls, and the “me” of the past was begging me to reconsider.
Tears and snot ran down my face and dribbled until they landed on the bed. My shoulders shook as I cried as silently as possible. I wanted to turn from him but couldn’t. At least for now, I would look at him.
He blurred as the tears kept coming and overflowed. The walls needed to stay up until I could figure out what I was doing. Did this knowledge change how I felt about Ethan? I sniffled. No, it didn’t.
The Ethan from my memory and the Ethan I knew in this life were polar opposites. I wouldn’t blame him for what had happened in the past. More warmth slid and fell from my chin.
But where did that leave Shane? My love for him had been real, I think I could still feel the remnants of it when we touched. I still felt a dull tingle from him but that’s all it was. It was dull.
I was already mated, I was already in love, and I was here in his packlands with a plan. He’d done so much for himself, he’d killed and tortured to get to where he was now, and here I was ready to kill him.
It didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the life we’ve had here. It didn’t change the people he has hurt to get me. He may have swayed me but it doesn’t change where my loyalty lies.
My friends, my family. They weren’t safe with him here, they weren’t safe with him alive and still walking this earth. He would continue to come for me, he wouldn’t stop until he had me.
I already knew what he would do to get me back. I already knew the lives he would take to have me. I couldn’t let him do that, I couldn’t let him hurt anyone else I love. I couldn’t let him take any more lives than he already had.
My thoughts will linger on him, my heart may skip a beat and I may like this time I spend with him more than I should but that’s where it stops. I won’t let him hurt anyone else ever again.
Slowly, I lean down careful not to wake him and gently place a kiss on his forehead. My tears hold onto my lashes before dropping into his hair. I swipe my fingers through his hair and wipe it away.
Laying down, I turn toward him and watch him until the sun peeks over the horizon. I watch him for as long as I can until I fall asleep. Because when I wake, I’ll put this behind me and I’ll push forward with my plan.