Sarina
“Ma’am Sarina, are you okay?” I looked at Lisa, who was staring intently at me. Beside her were Rocel and Nanny Rowena, who used to be Chase’s nanny and was now holding Chandler. They had their furrowed brows as they stared at me.
“Huh? Oh, yes, I’m okay.” I smiled at them because they seemed worried about me. “Did you say something?” I asked.
“Rowena said she’s going to take Chandler upstairs, along with Chanton and Chansen, to bathe them,” she said.
“Oh, okay, Rowena. Thank you very much.” The nanny nodded and smiled before leaving us. My sixth and seventh children were in the living room with another nanny, so she would pass by there. Chase, Chastity, Channing, Chanden, and Chancy were all in school. On mornings like this, it’s usually just us left in the house.
“Ma’am Sarina, is something bothering you?” Lisa asked after Rocel also left us. She sat on a stool beside mine, and we were in the kitchen.
“Why do you ask?”
“I’ve noticed that something seems different about you. Your behavior has changed, and you seem to zone out often. There’s no problem between you and Sir Maximus, right?” she asked, her tone filled with concern. I took a deep breath and smiled at her.
“There’s nothing for you to worry about. My husband and I aren’t fighting.”
“But you seem uneasy like something’s troubling you.” I stayed silent, just looking at Lisa, and she kept her gaze on me as if trying to understand what I was truly feeling. “I’ve seen you since your relationship with Sir Maximus started. When you were gone and came back, I knew whether you were happy, and Sir felt the same. If something is bothering you or if there’s something you don’t understand, you can tell me if you’re comfortable. I’m here to listen.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what’s happening to me. There are things I can’t understand, and I don’t even know what they are.”
“Have you talked to your husband about this?”
“No, I’m afraid of what he might think. He’s already done so much for me. He’s even been neglecting his company to understand me, and I feel like I haven’t contributed anything to our family.”
“Don’t think that way, Ma’am Sarina. I’ve seen how much Sir Maximus loves you. It’s normal for couples to have misunderstandings, but in your case with Sir, you’re the only one who can help. If you keep everything inside, Sir won’t know what you’re going through.”
“But I can’t even think of a problem,” I replied exasperatedly. “So I don’t know what to tell my husband either. I just feel like something is missing in me.” Tears began to well up, and I covered my face with my hands. I didn’t expect to break down like this in front of her.
I felt her stand from her seat and gently pat my back before embracing me. I took a deep breath and hugged her back. I consider her family like a mother, especially since my parents are in the province.
“You’re strong, dear. Not every woman can handle everything you’ve been through. So I understand if you’re feeling anxious; maybe it’s only now that your mind is processing all your past events because you finally feel at peace and think everything is fine.” She sounded sincere, and I liked it. She made me feel a bit relaxed, if not at all. Maybe she was right; maybe I needed to study myself and think about what was going on. How I really feel, and what really bothers me.
But is that how really it is? Am I being held accountable now for everything that happened to me when I tried so hard to be brave and strong? But shouldn’t I be okay now that it’s all over? I’m happy now with Maximus and our children. Wait, am I really happy?
“Hi, my wife,” Maximus greeted before kissing me. As usual, the kids and I were lined up on the porch, waiting for his return from a full day of work. We don’t do this when he calls to say he’ll be late or when he doesn’t know when he’ll be home, which has happened more often lately.
“How was work?” I asked after he kissed each of our children and returned to me.
“It went well. Good thing Aries and the new secretary have sorted out tomorrow’s meeting agenda. I reviewed it earlier, then came home.”
I nodded and smiled at him, waiting for him to ask how my day went-but he didn’t. Instead, he took Chandler from me and carried Chanton, inviting me and the other kids inside. They happily followed him, especially Chastity, who clung to his pants.
I just watched them. Maybe he didn’t ask because my answer is always the same whenever he does: “It’s fine.” And since my routine at home never changes, he probably assumed I’d say the same thing again. But shouldn’t he do it even if it was like that to show that he cares?
They went straight to the living room and gathered there. Maximus only removed his shoes to keep the carpet clean before removing his coat, then happily played with our children. My family is happy; I can clearly see that. So why do I feel like something’s missing? Is it me? Am I the one missing something?
That night, I cleaned up first before Maximus. The kids were asleep, and the younger ones were with their nanny. I scrolled through my social media account and saw how people I knew kept posting about their daily activities.
I couldn’t help but notice my former colleague and close friend from the hospital where I used to work. She’s a doctor now, based in Switzerland. I remember we both dreamed of that, and we used to wonder where we’d find the money to fund our studies. We often talked about marrying someone rich so we could have someone to help us, and we laughed at the idea.
I smiled bitterly as I stalked her profile and saw that she’s happily married, too, with one child. But she’s still able to work. I once thought I wanted to be a professional so my children could be proud of me, motivate them to follow their dreams, and look up to me. I want my achievements to become their motivation to strive and do their best even if other people think they have everything they want because their father is rich.
But what am I doing with my life now? Nothing. I’m at home all day, caring for my kids. How can I fulfill my dreams? Back then, money was my problem. Now, it’s because my priorities have changed.
I glanced at the closed door of our bathroom, where Maximus was. I remembered how he couldn’t bathe this hour before unless we did it together. But now, he’s okay with it. Maybe even his priorities have changed. I sighed deeply, put my phone on the bedside table, and slept. There’s no point waiting for Maximus anymore; I know he’s tired from work, and my body, which my child says is fat, is no longer attractive anyway.