Actually, since I was heading east, I was driving into the sunrise. There was someone I needed to see.
My lesbian buddy from college now had a thriving practice in another state. We kept in touch through reunions and alumni updates, so I had access to her number.
I called, got her receptionist. She was in a session and would be available in about an hour. I gave her my number and told her to say it was the future father of her children. I know the receptionist was startled, but then I laughed and told her my name.
She called back in fifty minutes.
“Where the hell have you been? My girlfriend has been ovulating for seven years. You’re about to run out of time.”
We joked and reminisced for a few minutes before I got to the reason I called her.
Somehow she didn’t seemed that surprised. Her day was full, but if I was willing to buy her dinner she would make herself available.
There were hugs and kisses. Her girlfriend was there and showed me pictures of the two kids they had by artificial insemination.
“Got tired of waiting, you slack ass.”
Soon her spouse said her goodbyes and we headed back to her office.
“All right, we’re on the clock. Start talking.”
So I told her about my life for the last two years, all of it. When I was done she just nodded and looked out the window for a second.
“I’ll be brutally honest here. I don’t think you were in love with Sandy, or Sammi either. In your head, I think you could hear a clock ticking and felt it was time to find a mate. You wanted to be in love so you talked yourself into it.”
“From what I hear about your friend Moira, the way you talk about her, you may actually love her. But she’s unattainable.”
“Something you need to realize, Wiley, if you’re ever going to have a successful relationship, is that you have to give all of yourself to whoever you choose. You can’t give her half, or just the parts you want her to know about, but all of you.
You can’t keep people in little boxes, neatly tagged. Life is sloppy, messy, and you can’t control it all the time.”
“Don’t get me wrong here. Everybody has secrets, it’s human nature. Just keep your priorities straight. If you decide to love someone, do it with all of your heart and mind. If you get hurt, you get hurt. But eventually, usually when you least expect it, you’ll find what you’re looking for.”
“And when you do, I expect to hear all about it.”
I thought about what she said a lot on the way home. I hate when someone tells you something you should have been smart enough to figure out on your own.
I also made a standing appointment for once a month. The habits of a lifetime were going to be hard to change.
…………………….
The first thing I did when I got home was try to talk to Sammi. I wasn’t going to mention her cheating. In my mind I had been cheating her by not committing fully. I decided to keep the rental Mustang for a few days so she would have transportation.
She burst out of the house when I pulled up. Her face was flushed and she seemed very, very, nervous and angry.
“Where the fuck have you been? The phone has been ringing off the hook. Everybody has been looking for you. I didn’t know what to tell them, so I just took messages. Goddammit, why did you turn off your cell?”
I’m sure it was just a coincidence that I saw Garys’ car pulling away as I turned into my street.
Her attitude, and seeing his car pull away, altered the forgiving mood I was in. No, I didn’t love her anymore, we probably wouldn’t have made it even if she didn’t cheat, but the fact was she did, and I had a hard time handling it.
“I had a lot to think about, things I had to work out. I know I should have talked to you, but the fact is I didn’t. I’m sorry, I should have. But I feel better now, I actually talked to a professional and she pointed out a lot of things I need to work on to be a better person. It’s been a lot to process.”
I wanted to have a serious discussion, to be honest with each other, but she chose to attack.
“Well, that’s just fucking ducky. You leave me in the middle and go out to find yourself. What about me? Maybe I should take a few days and go looking for myself too. What about that?”
She didn’t like my answer.
“That might be a good idea. Take the Mustang, it’s a rental, but it’s paid for for the next few days. Think about things, like should we continue.
We haven’t really gotten along lately, maybe that’s a warning.”
Not what she was expecting, not at all. But she had her temper up.
“Maybe I will! Maybe I’ll find someone else who is interested a real relationship. He might even have red hair. What do you think of that?”
“I think you should do whatever makes you happy. I bet you won’t have to go out of town, I bet you could look a lot closer to home and find that. Maybe you already have.”
We had been getting progressively louder, and hadn’t even made it into the house. I’m sure the neighbors were getting an earful.
My last statement shocked her, I saw a brief flash of guilt maybe, but she forged ahead.
“Fuck you!” She screamed, snatching the keys from my hand and peeling off down the street as I stood there in surprise.
“That went well” I said to myself as I watched her speed away. I called Jimmy to come pick me up, forgetting he stayed in Crockett.
“Where the hell have you been? Moria has been climbing the wall, looking for you. Remember, she has your van. Turn your damn cell on, call her, and get your asses up here. We got a show in six hours, and it takes almost four hours to get here.”
I couldn’t turn my cell on, it was in the Mustang.
I called Moira from the house and she was there in fifteen minutes. Red haired women sure have a way with words. Her ass chewing would have made a drill instructor blush. She got louder, her brogue got thicker, I even believe her hair got a deeper red. When she finally got done telling me what an inconsiderate asshole I was she threw her phone at me.
“Call your mother, she’s been worried sick.”
I immediately called Dottie.
“Hi Mom. Sorry I missed your call. How are you?”
She lit into me so hard I had to hold the phone away from my ear for about three minutes. Moira thought it was funny and that I deserved it. When she wound down I apologized.
“Mom, calm down. I left a message saying I wasn’t answering the phone for twenty four hours. I had things to think about. Nothing is wrong, I’m fine, see you Sunday.”
Remembering the advice I had just gotten, I told Moira where I had gone and why.
“I used to think I was a nice guy, you know? But now I’m not so sure. I know I need to work on being a better communicator, that’s for sure.”
She listened but didn’t agree.
“You ARE a nice guy. You’re emphatic, compassionate, and loving. Your brains are a little scrambled right now. At least you’re getting help, I could never get my husband to do that after Erin died, and he, make that we, really could have used it. Maybe things would have turned out differently if we had.”