“What happened? If we are going to burn every time, you’re asleep, I need to know why,” he asks.
“Please, Evelyn, just tell us so Thaddeus can take it away. I can’t live like this, not knowing. At least tell us, so we understand,” Ryland says, reaching his hand up and cupping my face.
I feel a lump form in my throat, and I try to swallow it down, but my mouth is so dry.
“You have been reliving it for days now; we haven’t been able to wake you until now. What’s once more,” Thaddeus says, kissing the side of my face.
“Nothing will make us leave you, Evelyn. You can trust us,” Orion says, moving onto the bed.
“You may just change your mind about that if you know,” I tell him.
His eyebrows furrow in confusion.
“What do you mean?” Thaddeus asks as he grips my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes.
“You’re not the only monsters. What I did made me just as bad as him. But I couldn’t leave her with him,” I whisper, looking away toward the window.
“Leave who?” he asks.
“Lana.”
E
velyn
“I thought you said Lana wasn’t there,” Thaddeus asks over my shoulder.
“She was there. She tried to put me out; she burnt her hands terribly,” I answer. My heart pounds in my chest as I remember the smell of my burning flesh and hair, so pungent I can almost taste it in my throat, making me want to gag. “I don’t want you to take it away.”
Orion watches me, confused. I thought I wanted that, but I don’t want to forget Lana. Why I did it, makes it easier to live with what I have done.
“I don’t understand?” Orion says, moving closer, his head lying next to Thaddeus’ leg as he lays down.
“I don’t want to forget her; I need to know I did it for a reason,” I tell him.
“What do you mean?” Thaddeus asks, pulling my face to his, his eyes searching my face.
“I… I…” I can’t bring myself to say it.
“You what, Evelyn?” Thaddeus asks again, and I can feel all their eyes on me.
“Anything you have done cannot be compared to what we have done, Evelyn. We won’t judge you,” Ryland tells me, looking up at me.
“He wouldn’t have stopped, so I killed him. I set the fire; I set him on fire.”
They look shocked, and I can feel their shock through the bond before confusion sets in again. I have carried that for so long, and saying it feels like a relief, like someone has lifted the weight off me. I killed somebody. He may have been a monster, but I still killed someone.
“He would have raped her, too. I couldn’t leave her with him, so I killed him. I was going to age out of the system, but she would have had to put up with it for another six, or more years. A year was bad enough for me; I couldn’t imagine leaving her with him. I couldn’t let him destroy her, too.” I whisper, looking away back toward the window.
Thaddeus growls loudly, and I jump, anger radiates through the bond. I knew they would hate me for what I have done and should have kept it to myself. Getting off the bed, I move away. Ryland sits up, watching me.
“See? This is why I didn’t tell anyone; no one would believe me,” I tell them, tears brimming in my eyes.
“We aren’t angry at you, Evelyn. He deserved it, you did nothing wrong,” Orion says, but Thaddeus is glaring at me.
I step back as the lights flicker. My eyes dart to Orion, who is watching me, and I don’t understand the look he is giving me. Disbelief, shock, I am unsure, but I can tell Thaddeus is angry at me. Is it because I am used goods or not as innocent as he thought?
When I hear Thaddeus growl and the lights go out, I turn on my heel and run for the door. Running into something hard, I nearly fall over as I feel a hand reach out and grab me. The flickering of the lights stops, and I find Thaddeus standing in front of me, blocking the door. My heart is beating in my chest so hard I can hear it, feel it jolting against my chest painfully.
He clamps his hands on the sides of my face. I brace myself, knowing this is how I die. This is my karma for what I did. Then suddenly, I feel his hands heat before they go ice cold, and I scream as my mind is consumed. I feel what feels like fingers sifting through the files of my mind.
It’s the weirdest sensation, like I can feel him picking through memories before I am suddenly plunged back into my fifteen-year-old self, seeing the moment I am dropped off at their house by my caseworker.
I feel my breath hitch when she knocks, and I am excited to be, with what I thought, was a friendly couple. I feel tears brim and fall as I sob.
The entire year I am with them, every waking memory of that year flashes before my eyes so fast I can’t catch my breath. Thaddeus growls loudly, and I can feel his hands shake as the movie of my life suddenly stops, and I am staring into Thaddeus’ hypnotic green eyes, dazzled by them. His words echo in my head, and it’s all I can think of.
“It’s over. It happened, but it doesn’t hurt. You did what you had to do. You are safe now. Let it go.” I try to shake off what he says, when I find it slipping deeper into my mind, the memories become foggy and distant, the surrounding feeling slips away with them. I find myself repeating after him. The words leave my lips, and I feel like I am in a trance.
“It’s over, it happened, but it doesn’t hurt. I did what I had to do. I am safe; I can let it go.” The moment the last words leave my lips, I feel the weight lift, feel everything holding me back, lift, and I feel light, like I can breathe for the first time.
I feel free. Free of the guilt, free of the pain, and free to move on. Thaddeus’ eyes are searching my face, and I feel tears run down my cheeks; not tears of sadness but tears of relief. I am finally free. I run into his arms as he lets go, hitting his chest hard. I am safe. They are safe.
“Thank you,” I whisper, as I sob into his chest, his arms wrap around me, holding me to him before I feel him grip my waist, and I wrap my legs around him, hugging him tightly, his hands rub my back soothingly.