“I’m not involved in that,” a voice said from the shadows of my room.
In a reflex action, I was about to throw my bag at the shadow moving towards me from the window. I realized who it was before hurling the bag, but I didn’t care; my anger towards him at that moment was so intense that I flung it anyway. “You son of a bitch!”
Donovan caught the bag as if it were a feather, which surprised me; I had dead weight in there.
I turned on the light to be able to see him. It was already night. After school, I simply ran away, needing to be alone and to think about how foolish I had been to let Donovan into my life. With him breaking into my room without damn permission, he did nothing but reinforce my convictions and continue to make me feel like an idiot.
Yes, I know how to pick them. An abusive boyfriend and Donovan continually intruding into my thoughts, being a drug dealer and potentially a child trafficker, damn, I know how to pick them.
“Hello to you too,” he responded to my aggression sarcastically, throwing the weight he was carrying onto the bed.
“What the hell are you doing here in the dark? Do you want me to have a damn heart attack? Get out now!” I growled, pointing towards the window, my only visible escape route. The door. I just had to open it and scream.
I was out of breath. I was scared of Donovan. Damn, I always faced him, but I never stopped to think about how dangerous he could be or, rather, I underestimated how dangerous he could be.
“If you weren’t home and your aunt found the light on, don’t you think she would enter?”
“It would have been better. You don’t need to be here. Leave,” I ordered when Donovan began to approach. He looked the same as always, and I hated it. Why couldn’t he transform into the monster he was in my eyes?
“Cel…” A cautious tone came from him; he knew I was a ticking time bomb and I could explode at any moment.
“Don’t come near me,” I said through gritted teeth. I couldn’t tolerate his proximity, or maybe I could, and that’s what bothered me. It aroused too many emotions in me.
“You have to believe me when I say I have nothing to do with what that man was doing,” he assured calmly, showing me the palm of his hand between us to prevent me from doing anything foolish.
“How do you know what he was doing?” I narrowed my eyes in his direction, but not a word came out of his mouth. It was the only answer I needed. “Leave or I’ll call the police.”
At my threat, he frowned. “You wouldn’t.”
Everything about me was threatening, even my way of breathing radiated the fear that was settling from the pit of my stomach to my throbbing head. “You think I wouldn’t?”
I took my cellphone from my jeans pocket, and as I punched in the first of the three digits I needed, Donovan grabbed my wrist and me with it. “Stay away!”
I let out a muffled scream; I was in a panic.
“I have nothing to do with that man!” he shouted in my face, trying to corner me against the wall.
I struggled with him like I never had before in my life and managed to break free from his grip. I ran towards the door, praying that my aunt had arrived home, but Donovan’s arm took hold of my waist before I even reached the stairs. I started to scream. No one came to my rescue. I knew I was alone with Donovan.
When he closed the door behind him, I realized I couldn’t escape. Well, at least if he was going to hurt me, he would have to listen to me first. “I don’t believe you! You’re a liar! Where’s your mother, huh? Why did you move? You knew they’d find you like that son of a bitch! You’re trash!”
“Do you really think I could do that? Take underage girls and sell them for prostitution?” He sounded indignant, his eyes piercing mine.
I denied, begging him to end the suffering he was causing me. “Why wouldn’t I believe it? You told me to fear you. I do. Please, leave.”
He took a few steps back, as if I had hit him with my words. I hurt him, and at the same time, I hurt myself. “You fear me?” he repeated in a whisper, before exploding against the chair at my desk, literally throwing it. “Damn it, Celina!”
I nodded, my head fell against the wall; it hurt. Seeing him affected hurt me. Why couldn’t I just not care? Why couldn’t I keep being the tough girl I always was? It had been such a short time since my rebirth as a woman. The Celina who started a new life doesn’t let anyone walk all over her. I’m regressing. I can’t go back to being that quiet, submissive girl anymore, I don’t want to.
“That’s what you wanted, for me to fear you,” I reminded him, feeling my legs weakening.
“Yes! But that was before you…” he began, but stopped. I looked at him and he was cursing silently, fixing his eyes on my face. As if he had the words, but they couldn’t come out of his mouth.
“I what?” I inquired, knowing it wasn’t healthy for me to know. That I shouldn’t consider it and should once and for all throw Donovan out of my life.
But I wanted to know.
“Turned things around,” his voice was calm, soft, and tender, as if it should mean the world to me. It didn’t. “I told you that to push you away, but you know me, you know I’m not that.”
I thought I knew, I thought I knew everything about Donovan. But I felt I was wrong. I felt he was no longer the boy I considered my refuge a month ago. He no longer made me laugh, only cry.
I picked up the cellphone that I had thrown on the floor when Donovan and I started struggling. “Last chance, leave or I’ll call the police.”
His eyes softened and he moved closer to me, not to stop me, but simply to be closer and to inspect every feature of my face. I knew what he was doing, as if he feared seeing me for the last time. That’s how it felt. “Call them.”
Confused, I shook my head and cleared my throat. “What?”
“Call them if you really believe that I do what you think I do,” he said in a rough voice. His eyes became a lethal weapon to me, so I tried not to look at him.
As I dialed the first digit again, it didn’t feel the same, I was no longer sure. I didn’t know what to think.
“What’s the matter, Alicia? Is your pulse trembling?” Donovan scoffed, challenging me. He knew this wasn’t funny to him; he just wanted me to call so that he could really leave my life?
I blinked back tears. “Please leave.”
He nodded. “When you call.”
My lower lip began to tremble from the nerves and I bit it hard, wishing not to feel so helpless, so weak, so in love. “Why can’t you just disappear from my life?”
Donovan fell silent, thinking. He opened his mouth to speak several times, only to close it again – I lost count.
The following words left their mark. Forever. He marked us forever.