I hit him in the chest, he let me and didn’t dare look at me. Like a madwoman I kept hitting him, my fists clenched and I didn’t stop until he fell to the floor, I didn’t even then. I threw myself on top of him and continued with the blows. The tears flowing non-stop and I shouted at him so many times “I hate you” that I lost count.
“What did I do to you?” My voice was breaking and my hands were stopping.
His arms wrapped around me and my forehead went to his chest.
“I’m sorry,” were his only words, and they didn’t help me at all.
I allowed myself to stay on his chest for a while, it would be the last time I touched him. When I ran out of tears I lifted my head to see him. He was crying. It reminded me of the boy who cried with me in the barn years ago and the desire to console him is there, fighting with me. Fighting with my feelings and my common sense. An internal war so strong that I had to act before my feelings won.
I got up and gave him one last look. His red and swollen eyes were begging me for forgiveness, something I couldn’t give him. He must have realized that because he lifted his knees and put his face on them. His hands went to his hair, squeezing it so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled them out of his head.
Seeing him like this didn’t make me feel any better, nor did the blows I gave him. Nothing. I still believed that everything he did, even that act, was a simple play to forgive him and give him what he wants to be named “The Best” in front of his friends.
It took a lot from me to say the following to him. “If you truly love me, you’re in love with me as you say, stay away from me. Don’t touch me again and don’t talk to me. You and I, we don’t know each other, we have nothing in common except the university. If still, after what I’m telling you, you approach me, I swear to God I’ll leave here and you would be ruining my life, because this university is everything to me.
“I love you, Sam. Don’t ask me to do that because I know I won’t be able to.”
“Don’t you dare say you love me!” Having said that, I grabbed my things and left the hospital. I didn’t allow myself to cry.
Eva was leaning on Nick’s car. I forgot that he had to drive me. I had some money in my backpack, I’d call a taxi, I’d manage somehow.
Eva, seeing my face – which must have been a mess – approached me and asked what was wrong. I told her I needed a taxi and I would tell her on the way.
She got it right away and I explained every detail of everything that happened in that simple bathroom. The tears threatened to come out as I remembered everything, but I didn’t let it happen.
She hugged me and said that Nick was a jerk and told me I would get over it. Eva took me to her house to stay. I would stay there until Nick left Olivia’s house.
She fell asleep right away while I couldn’t. The pain in my chest was too great and the fear that it would be like this forever kept me from sleeping.
Tomorrow is Saturday, so I won’t have to go to the university and I also won’t have to see Nick.
His name. Just thinking about his name made the void even bigger, even scarier, even more… empty.
A part of me wanted to run into his arms again, I wanted him to tell me that all of it was a damn lie. But I knew it wasn’t and there was no point in wasting time.
Since when does my life revolve around a boy? I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to forget, to stop feeling this. After what he did to me, I can’t believe I still love him, need him. I hate what he did to me, I hate that he wanted to hurt me, I hate having met him; but at the same time, I don’t want to regret anything, how can my feelings be so contradictory? How is it possible to love and hate a person at the same time? I didn’t know, but that’s what was happening to me.
***
“Wake up, you,” Eva’s voice could be so shrill at times that I wanted to kill her.
“No,” I put the pillow over my head. I didn’t need anyone bothering me, especially not with my lovely mood.
“It’s Sunday. We have to do something and it’s already noon, you can’t keep being depressed in bed any longer, your mood is contagious and you’re giving it to me!”
“I can’t go anywhere, I don’t think my legs will allow me. Besides, I look awful,” I told her still using my pillow as a shield against her shrieks.
“Nothing a little makeup can’t fix,” I took the pillow off my face and she showed me her large makeup case. I looked at her as if to say, “Seriously?” She let out a big sigh and came over to me. “Sam, he hurt you, I get it. But you can’t stay in bed forever. I hear you at night, I know you cry and don’t bother denying it because I’m not stupid.”
“I know you’re not, I am, I shouldn’t be like this for him, but you can’t expect me to get over him in two days. I will, but not yet.”
“If you stay here, doing nothing, you’re going to think about him. You know it, so why not try to distract yourself? The more time you spend lying here, the more time you’ll spend regretting, crying, suffering, remembering… I’m not saying it’s easy to forget someone you care about a lot, but if you want to do it you have to have willpower, get your butt out of bed, get pretty and go out with me,” I knew she was right, she extended her hand for me to get up. I took it and she let out another shriek.
Eva started looking for clothes for me. I didn’t bring anything of mine to her house except my backpack and I didn’t want to risk going to look for clothes at Olivia’s house, as Nick could be there.
She gave me a yellow dress and I put on my black converse sneakers. She straightened my hair and put a lot of makeup on me.
You could barely see the bags under my eyes. The blush gave color to my face and I no longer looked like a zombie.
“Let’s go to the movies,” Eva grabbed her purse and took me by the hand. We went down the stairs so fast that I almost fell.
Thirty minutes later we were already in line to buy the tickets. The only movie that had seats was a romantic drama. Just what I needed, I can’t deal with my own love problems and I have to see someone else’s.
“Sam, isn’t that Aaron?” I turned around, to the place where popcorn and drinks are sold. He was indeed there with another guy.
“Yes, it is. And he’s with a friend, so don’t even think about doing something to draw his attention…”
“Hey! Prof, we’re here!” Eva shouted, before I finished.
Aaron turned around and his eyes wandered around the place until they met mine. He blushed and looked at his friend. The guy was blonde, green eyes, very tall, and with a great physique. He was wearing a suit, looked like a lawyer.