“You know, I have recently learned that you’re a liar, and a promise breaker, but I guess maybe I should add clueless to that list! Who knows? Maybe a gold digger as well?”
I rip my palm across his cheek before either of us can stop it.
“You have no fucking right to talk like that to me!”
He just stands there, hand print on his face growing redder by the second. I can’t read his eyes, but there’s a look of contempt I never thought I’d see in them. And I say what I should’ve from the start.
“We shouldn’t have done this. We can’t be in each other’s lives. Goodbye, Xavier.”
I spin around before the twisting in my stomach makes it too hard.
But before I can walk away, there’s a hand on my wrist, pulling me back.
“Do you think this is easy for me? Seeing you. With him? With anyone?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I spent twelve years, TWELVE fucking years looking for you, Malynda. Not knowing what happened to you, to us. Using every resource at my disposal to find you. Not even really knowing if you were alive. It got to a point I hoped that you’d fallen in love with someone and were living your dream of being a dancer in Europe somewhere. And then, after all this time, I find out, you’ve been right on my doorstep this whole time. You just changed your name, been living it up on the upper east side with your businessman, and what? Playing dollhouse for fun? What happened to dancing? What happened to your dream? What happened to you?!”
There’s a crowd building around us, but I don’t care. I can barely see out of my blurry eyes to focus on his face.
“You… you don’t know me, Xavier. You knew me for one summer, twelve years ago. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know what got me here. So don’t you lecture me about my life. I’m not the only one that’s living it up on the upper east side as you put it, playing dollhouse in your penthouse. Maybe I should ask you what got you there. Last I heard helping the poor didn’t put you in designer suits. All this tells me is, our past is just that, in the past. We have no present, and definitely no future.”
I stare at him, daring him to respond. I don’t know what to expect, don’t know what I want him to say. Just that, for all my bravado, I don’t have the strength to be the one to walk away.
“Malynda,” he finally says, in a sigh as long as the day. His eyes still on mine, he reaches out slowly, taking my hand in his. I ignore the way my fingers twitch instantly at his touch. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t know what’s brought you here. But I want to know. Don’t you understand that? Don’t you get what it’s been like for me all this time?’
Any contempt we felt in the heated moment is gone. All that’s left in his eyes are questions. That he’s hoping he can get answers to from me. But I have none. Nothing that can help him. It’s better to wonder sometimes. He doesn’t know, I’m holding back for his sake.
“I’m sorry too, Xave. I don’t… I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for.”
He lets go of my hand, and it drops to my side. I look down at the ground, grey pavement worn down by countless footsteps of countless New Yorkers.
“Fine. If that’s the way you feel, I’m not going to pressure you about it today. But you’re wrong about one thing. We can. We can be in each other’s lives.”
I open my mouth to protest but he stops it with a look.
“We can. I will try to make it easier for you to be around me. Okay? I’d rather have you in my life, giving me grumpy looks and scolding me every few minutes for pushing you too far, than not at all.”
I roll my eyes, and a little of the tension in the air dissipates. The truth is, I can’t imagine him not being a part of my life, now that he’s back in it. However wrong it might be.
“You deserve the scoldings,” I say, accusingly.
He bows low, with a flourish of his arm. “I will accept them obediently, ma’am.”
I snort, louder than I mean to, and it makes him grin. That fucking grin. Where did he learn to do that?
“Friends?” he says, holding out his hand.
I take it, my hand feeling delicate but safe in his. We shake.
“Friends.”
“With benef-..”
“XAVIER!”
“Just testing the scolding feature. It works,” he chuckles.
He’s still holding my hand and I give it a squeeze and then pull it back.
“I can’t talk about the past, Xavier. I need you to understand that, if we’re going to be friends.”
He nods, his lips tightening for a split second, like he’s holding back the barrage of questions I know he has. But he doesn’t say anything more.
“So, friend. Can I get you that espresso?” He gestures with his head back toward the restaurant.
“And an eclair. And a scoop of vanilla. And some mac and cheese.”
“Some things never change,” he mutters as we walk back to our waiting friends.
***
“You’re here late,” Cameron says around 9 p. m. as he walks past my office, pulling his suit jacket on.
“Yeah, I’m way behind, probably been spending too much time on the youth center.” I look up from my desk from the first time in hours to see that the sky over Manhattan is dark. I can’t remember how long I’ve been sitting there.
“Hey, about that.” Here it goes, I knew this was coming. “You sure you’re okay working on that project.”
“What do you mean,” I answer, wondering if he’ll fall for my look of confusion.
“Iz, I only let you play dumb because it puts the clients at ease. It doesn’t actually work with me.”
I poke my tongue out and he responds in kind. “No, really, what are you talking about?”
“Xavier. He’s an ass. I don’t know what’s going on between you two but I’m not sure it’s a good thing.”
“It’s nothing, a misunderstanding,” I say, with a wave of my hand. “Just… we didn’t agree with an idea for his apartment.”
Cameron isn’t convinced, but he keeps it to himself.
“Need a ride home? Or maybe some dinner?”
“No, I think I’m going to finish up here and stretch my legs a bit and walk home.”
“You know, one of these days, you’ll realize what a sexy hunk you have for a business partner, and you won’t be able to resist me.”
Right on cue, there’s a buzzing of the phone in his hand. He glances at it and then looks at me sheepishly.
“Yeah, you’re really lacking for company.”
“Guy’s gotta eat,” he shrugs before coming around behind my desk and giving me a kiss on the cheek. “You know I just want the best for you.”
I nod. I do know. I’m just not really sure what that is anymore.