She’s already there when I reach the basketball courts. Music is blaring from her iPod, and her hips swaying as she stands in front of her almost finished mural.
I try to divert my eyes, as always. As curious as I am to take a close look, take it all in, this was never about me. It was my gift to her. To give her the space to explore this side of her. And when she’s ready, she’ll share it with me.
I sneak up behind her, this summer’s pop hit covering the sound of my footsteps.
In one movement I grab her by the waist, pulling her into me, as I tuck my chin against the hot skin of her neck.
Her squeals are muffled by her lips catching on my cheek as she turns her face to see who’s intruded on her time to create.
“Xavey!” She giggles, half because she knows I hate the nickname but won’t ever tell her to stop, half because she can’t control the sunshine inside her. Even in the cold, dark evenings we’ve spent huddled in the tent by the lake, I’m warmed just by the smile on her face when she looks at me.
“Happy last day of school, baby,” I whisper against her ear. I love that there exists a whole world in the space between her body and mine.
“Happy last day back to you! We’re free!” She turns around, throws her hands up and jumps into air. I catch her on the way down and spin her around as she whoops.
Her lips fall on mine as she lowers her face and I kiss her like I’ve been wanting to do since the minute she left me last night. When we pull apart, she makes a little sigh that thrills me. All the way down to my toes, squeezing her warm body tight against me.
“Too hot! It’s too hot for cuddles right now,” she laughs and pushes me away, her feet touching the ground again. I grumble and she pokes her tongue out as I wander over to my spot on the wall, cast in shade from the angle of the afternoon sun.
She follows me and waits until I settle on the ground before she settles into my lap, I wrap my arm around her waist and we stare at the basketball court baking in the hot summer sun.
“I thought it was too hot for cuddles,” I say, my face against her back.
She doesn’t say anything, just sighs and leans back against me.
We don’t talk for a few moments, and that’s okay with me.
“Xavey?” she whispers a while later as my eyelids are drooping, my hands now resting loosely on her hips.
“Hmmm?”
“I… um, I got a letter today. “As soon as the words leave her mouth, I feel my body tense. And I know she feels it. She twists around and looks at me, even as I try to look away. “I haven’t read it yet. I was waiting for you.” She slides her hand into the pocket of her denim shorts and pulls out a folded white envelope. Already I can spot the school’s address in the top left-hand corner. New York.
Love is a strange thing; it can make you want two opposing things in equal quantity at once.
I want nothing but for her to be happy. But what will make her happy is the exact opposite of what would make me happy. To have her by my side, here.
“Read it,” I say, nodding gently, trying to smile.
She doesn’t smile back, but slides her finger into an open corner of the envelope, slowly, deliberately, breaking the seal.
She takes a deep breath, a silent prayer on her lips.
“Wait.” I stop her before she reads it. Her eyes catch mine, confused.
“Whatever it says, I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere,” I say. Even if you are, I can’t help thinking.
She nods and unfolds the single sheet of paper. She closes her eyes and takes another deep breath. Her eyes flutter open and she scans the first few lines of the letter.
She doesn’t read it out loud but the instant twinkle in her eyes tells me everything. She drops the hand holding the letter into her lap and grins at me.
“They took me off the wait list. I’m in.” She exhales the breath as if she’s been holding her breath for months. I pull her to me instantly, hugging her tightly, my heart bursting with happiness for her.
“You’re in?”
“I’m IN!” she yells and jumps to her feet. Twirling, her arms outstretched. Feeling everything in the moment.
I drag myself to my feet and follow her, unable to contain the joy I feel for her right now. I don’t even need to pretend. This, this is how she should always feel and I’m going to make it my goal in life to guarantee she will.
“You. Are. Going. To. NEW YORK!” I yell, emphasizing every word once the twirling stops and she comes back to stand in front of me.
She grins at my words and launches herself at me, knowing I will catch her.
“I’m going to New York! Oh, my god! I’m going to be a dancer! XAVIER! Can you believe it?!”
“You are a dancer, baby. Now the whole world is going to know it!”‘ I tell her. And mean it. The world is going to know the beauty of my girl.
“You know what this moment needs?” I ask her, my eyes serious.
“What?” she asks, her eyes wide.
“An inaugural swim in the lake.”
“Ooooh, you think it’s warm enough?”
“I think… it doesn’t matter. We’re going to do it anyway.” I grab her hand and we run, run so hard we can barely keep up with ourselves.
It’s almost completely dark when we finally get out of the water. The goosebumps covering every inch of our bodies ignored by us.
I turn on the string of fairy lights I’ve strung up around the tent just for her and wrap my biggest towel around her shoulders. Her jaw shakes a little as she thanks me, and I can’t help but laugh at the tinge of blue lining her lips. She was the one who had refused to get out of the water even when the sky had almost lost all color.
Facing the wall of the tent, I pull off my wet shorts and wrap my towel around my waist, trying not to stare too much at the shadow of her wriggling out of her own wet clothes.
I settle back onto the air mattress on the floor of the tent, watching as she brushes the wet hair off her face and lies down next to me. The blanket is warm and soft on our skin as we shake it over our shivering bodies. She giggles as my hands try to warm her, running up and down her arms.
“Hey,” she whispers, her face upturned to mine, the flickering shadows from the fairy lights bathing her in a warm, soft light. I just smile back at her, and drop a kiss on her forehead. “I have to go, you know,” she says, and I nod.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” The smallest frown flickers across her face and I run a finger over her cheek. “Shhh, you know what I mean. I’m so happy for you. You are meant to go and study dance in New York and be everything you always wanted to be.”
“And you?”
“And I… will be right there, beside you. Watching and cheering you on.”
She pushes gently on my chest as she sits up.
“You’re going to come with me?”
“You had any doubt?”
“But… how? You have your family and…”
How will we afford it? is what she wants to say. And I don’t have an answer yet.
“I’ll find a way. It might not work out right away. And it might be hard. Are you game?”
She giggles as she settles in against me.
“More game than ever.”
***