37

HER
When Gabriel was five years old he told me he was going to be an explorer when he grew up. When I asked him why, he said it was because he wanted to have a coin with his head on it. Not a mountain range, not a river named after him, but a coin. Something that had his head on it, everywhere, hidden behind couch cushions and car glove compartments.
Right now, I kind of wish his head was on every coin or milk carton as it were.
It might make it easier to find him.
The last four hours have been spent turning up any stone that might help us find out where he is. Not that he has any friends or work mates I can call.
It’s like he doesn’t even exist.
We’re driving back to Kaine’s apartment, in case he’s returned. It’s 11 p. m. and dark, and somewhere out there, in the 8 million people crammed into this city, is my little brother.
“Are you okay?” Kaine asks, moving closer so my exhausted head can fall onto his shoulder.
“No.”
“He’ll turn up.”
“Alive?”
“You have to believe so.”
I sigh, using the little energy I have left in my body to force out all the toxic air and breathe in fresh oxygen.
“You were wrong. My mother wouldn’t be proud of me at all. I couldn’t even take care of my little brother. I changed my mind. I don’t want to meet her again. I don’t deserve to.”
“It’s not your fault. He makes his own decisions. You’ve done everything you can.”
His words just wash over me, and I retain none of them. Just close my eyes and hope that when I wake up, Gabriel will be there.
***
The car comes to a stop outside Kaine’s apartment building and I jump out before Henry or he can open the door for me. I run through the door held open by the doorman and press the elevator button a hundred times until it dings, the doors opening and letting me in. I hear Kaine run up, calling me, but the elevator doors close before he can get there. He’ll get the next one, I tell myself, wringing my fingers as I watch the light illuminate the floor numbers as the elevator ascends.
“GABRIEL!” I yell, even before the doors open on the penthouse floor.
“Gabriel! Are you here?!” I yell again, running through the dark apartment and into the guest bedroom where I had last seen him, just this morning.
I hold my breath as I step into the dark room and for a moment, the bundled-up blankets give me hope.
But he’s not there.
There’s no note, no clue as to where he could have gone. Only his stained clothes in a pile in the corner and the dent of his head on the pillow to suggest he was ever here.
I slide into the unmade bed and pull the crumpled pillow against my chest, almost trying to stuff it into my ribcage, to fill up the space he’s left behind.
“Gabriel…” I hear myself whimper, even as the tear start to fall. “I’m sorry Gabriel, I’m sorry, Mom…” I sob.
Someone calls my name but I ignore it. I just bury my face in my brother’s pillow and close my eyes, pretending that he’s just in the next room sleeping or playing, and forgetting that without our mother, it’s only the two of us now.
“Jade,” Kaine whispers again. And this time he slides into the bed next to me, curling his body around mine. “I’m going to be right here.”
His breath on my neck over the next few hours becomes my source of comfort.
***
“Gabriel!” I sit up in the bed, waking up with a start, a few hours later. It’s almost completely dark, but I can feel a body next to me. It’s Kaine. His eyes are closed and his breath steady.
My worry fades for a moment, as I reach out and touch the stubble on his cheek, leaning over to kiss him softly. I slide to the end of the bed and tiptoe out to the living room, standing by the window, looking out into the city spread out in front of me.
“Where are you, Gabriel? Tell me where you’ve gone,” I whisper, hoping the bond that ties us will carry my message to him.
There’s a flash of the memory of him laying practically unconscious on the stinking, soiled mattress at the crack den. And that split second before he took a breath, when I thought he might be dead.
“Dammit, what am I doing here? I should be there, waiting for him! He wasn’t there when we went before, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be there now!” I rationalize out loud.
I run to the elevator, pressing the button frantically, the urgent need to find him completely clouding all logic, all reason.
“Jade? Jade! Where are you going?” Kaine comes out, rubbing his eyes. When he pulls his hand away, I see they’re red, dark circles surrounding then and it tears at me a little to know I’m the reason. My brother and I, turning his life upside down.
“I’m going… to find Gabriel. I’m going back to where we found him yesterday,” I tell him, facing the elevator, willing the doors to open faster.
“Jade, we’ve looked everywhere, it’s not safe now. I’ve got a few guys out looking for him, but it’s better for you and me to stay here in case he comes back.”
“He’s not coming back!” I yell at him. He wouldn’t understand, he doesn’t know what it’s like, to wait as hours become days, as days become months of not knowing. Never knowing.
“You don’t know that,” he says, coming closer, his hand inching towards me.
“I do, I do know that. I’ve lived this life for six years. And every time, he comes back, he’s just that little bit worse. Don’t you see? Maybe this is the time he won’t come back at all.”
The elevator light flashes and the ding echoes in the marble hallway.
We freeze as we watch the doors open and as I take a step forward, Kaine blocks me.
“Get out of the way, Kaine. I need to go find my brother.”
“No. I’m not letting you go. You’re tired and you’re still recovering from your own injury, and it’s just not safe. No.”
“LET ME GO, KAINE!” I yell and grab his shoulder with both my arms, pushing him away. But he’s too strong. He doesn’t budge, even as I curl my fingers into his chest, digging my nails into his flesh as far as I can. “Ahhhhh!” I scream, tearing so hard on his shirt that I feel the burn of my nail break on the fabric. But the pain only spurs me on.
“Let me go, Kaine, please, let me go…” I beg, sobs wracking from my chest.
He doesn’t say a word, grabbing at my wrists and pulling them away from me, slamming my body against the wall.
“Stop,” he says, firmly but calmly, deep into my ear. His hot breath travelling all through my body.
“No… he needs me, my brother needs me, let me go, please.” I sob, fighting against his hands.
“No, Jade, I can’t. I have to protect you. You’re staying here with me.”
“If you don’t let me go, I’ll hate you forever,” I hiss, staring him deep in the eyes for the first time since he showed up at the elevator.
“Then hate me. Hate me so much you want to kill me. Hate me so much you want me to die. Hate me until your dying day, if you must. But you’re going to do it safe and alive.”
He leans in, his lips brushing against my ear with every word, sending shivers down my spine. And I vow to hate him until the end of my days.
My wrists burn from his restraining me. And I stop struggling. I want to hurt him so much, my mouth waters. How can he do this to me, stop me from looking for my own flesh and blood? All I can think of is how to make him pay.