My leg jiggles in the back of the car as I watch us move forward one slow inch at a time. I try to distract myself with work, but the numbers look like wingding characters, making no sense. I scroll through my emails and don’t bother to open any. I fiddle with the Band-Aids on my hand, I should’ve changed them out for clean ones, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to throw away my link to her. The memory of her face when she was putting the Band-Aids on me, checking my wound, making sure I was okay.
I can’t remember the last time I allowed someone to do that for me.
I’d had enough of people taking care of me after the accident.
There’s a car horn and I notice the reason for the jam. We drive past the car accident and the bottle neck eases. I look out the window counting the streets until my destination, practicing the words I’m going to say. The apology.
As soon as Henry pulls up out the front of the library, I jump out of the car, looking around but she’s not there. Out of nowhere, though, a mob descends. It’s the same damn people from the other day, that had surrounded Jade, almost suffocating her.
“It’s him! It’s the hooded hero who saved Jade Sinclair!” They yell as they envelope me, crowding around me. I push them out the way, not caring if I hurt them. They deserve it for hurting her.
“Take off your hoodie! What’s your name!” Their assault is relentless.
I push my way through them, and take cover in the building. There’s a sign pointing to the back entrance and I make my way out there, just to gather my thoughts.
I push the door open with my back, pivoting on my heel as I step outside.
“Oh!” A woman cries out as I feel my whole body bang up against her.
I reach out and grab her with my hands before she falls from the force of my body. Then I notice, it’s her.
“Jade!”
She shakes her arms, trying to get away from me.
“Wait! Jade! Are you okay?” I say, even as she tries to push past me. I block her with my body and she just stands there, not meeting my eyes. “Hey,” I say, softer this time, in case in my excitement to see her, I’d frightened her. “I heard you were bleeding last night. Was it your stitches, are you okay now?”
“Go away, Kaine.” He voice is cold and flat, like I’ve never heard it before.
“Jade. I’m sorry. I was… I was just surprised.”
“Whatever. I’m late for work.”
“Jade, please.” I take a risk and reach out, my finger tipping her chin up to make her eyes meet mine.
What I see makes me want to pull her into my arms.
Her eyes are circled by dark patches, her skin pale and green. Like she’s gotten no sleep. There’s no light in her eyes, the way they’d been last night, when she’d teased me. When she’d cooked for me, when she’d seen me… all of me.
She turns her face away from me and walks over to a wooden bench in the alley.
I follow, sitting down silently next to her. I take a deep breath and say the words I’d been practicing since last night.
“I’m sorry. I over-reacted. I- I didn’t expect to see you there.”
“It’s fine. I wasn’t snooping, I was just grabbing my clothes.”
I nod. Though a part of me almost wishes she’d been curious enough about me to want to snoop. “I know. I just… well, now you know.” I gesture to the side of my face.
She keeps her gaze down at her hands, they’re wringing each other, white knuckled. “Yes. Now I know. And now I have to go to work.”
This isn’t her. Did I do this, turn her cold like this? “Wait. Are you okay? You look… you look tired.”
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little late for that now?” I ask her, the desperation in my own voice startling me.
“You know what? We don’t owe each other anything anymore, Kaine. Mr. Ashley,” she says, and the distant way she refers to me want to scratch at my ears. “Thank you for saving me. But I can take care of myself now. Good bye.”
She stands up, but then seems reluctant to take another step forward, her eyes glaze over, as if in a trance.
“Jade.” I call out to her, hoping to jar her out of it.
She doesn’t respond.
And then I know. It’s this place This is where she was attacked. What is she even doing here?
I push myself up from the bench and come up behind her.
“Why are you here? This… can’t be easy for you.”
“It’s not. But I can’t go through the front door either,” she says with a shrug.
“I know.”
“Ironic thing is, I’ve found you now. And I’ve thanked you. But they still won’t leave me alone.”
“I can make them.” I’ll do anything for you.
“No, I told you. You don’t ever have to do anything for me anymore. Goodbye, Kaine.”
She says her last words, staring straight ahead as she walks past the wall where she was attacked, and into the building.
I follow her but as I reach the door, I hear a click.
It’s locked.
She really did mean for it to be goodbye.
What’ve I done? What have I fucking done?
I watch through the door as she walks away, never turning back.
I make my way back through the side alley to the front entrance, punching my hand through the row of trash cans as I go, leaving them dented and lying on their sides, littering the narrow walkway with empty bottles and day-old newspaper.
HER
Don’t turn around. Don’t turn around. Just keep walking straight ahead. Don’t turn around. As many times as I repeat it to myself, it’s not until I reach my office that I know I can do it. As soon as I get to my desk, I sink into the chair, throwing my bags onto the desk, bracing my hands on the stacks of papers piled high. They tremble, giving away the shake of my hands.
It had taken everything I had to walk away from Kaine. After a sleepless night of replaying his reaction to me seeing him the shower, I’d decided that the Kaine chapter of my life was over. It was a shock to run into him, but I’d spent the last eight hours telling myself to push him out of my mind. Whatever it was I thought I’d felt last night was just a result of the strangeness of our circumstances. Of course, I was going to harbor strong feelings for him, he’d been there for me in the most critical moment in my life. But that’s all it was. Gratitude borne from trauma. He obviously felt nothing but annoyance when it came to me, so I was going to give him what he wanted. Me, gone.