Everything he does for me says he cares about me. But I need… – I click my tongue and shake my head abruptly – I don’t fucking know. I guess after years of believing he doesn’t love me, I need more than just a happy, easy rhythm with me. I want to feel like you can’t live without me. Like he would do anything to have me. If you can’t find the words to tell me, I want action. Just something .
I nod, feeling buoyed by the quiet, lack of sleep, and champagne on an empty stomach.
At the risk of sounding mean, I want him to be as in love as I am. I’ve wanted it for so long. It almost makes me angry that he never noticed. I want you to show that you realize now.
“So, have they… broken up?” Summer asks, her voice small and tentative.
-No. Don’t know. A dark laugh bubbles through me as I shrug. I think we are both traumatized by our upbringing. Being an adult is hard when your parents screw you over, you know?
Summer and Winter give each other a heavy look before Winter says, “Yeah. I think we can relate.”
“Deep down I know that Jasper will never leave me. Not even at my worst. That’s what happens with us. We can both be on our worst behavior and we’ll never hold it against each other for a long time.
“Ugh. I love it. Willa snorts.
“I want him to make me feel safe.” But I haven’t told him anything to make him feel safe either, and I know he needs it. Basically, I don’t have any plans because. . . I really don’t know what to do with myself. I sigh, looking at the lights above me, feeling a little responsible for pushing him away. I need to face my father so I can move on properly. Start from scratch. First I need to find my own security. I just hope I’m not too late. But then, the idea of him losing hockey? His career? Your passion? All for me? I’m worried I won’t be able to deal with it.
“Have you not seen how that man looks at you?” “Winter smiles at me even though it’s a strange time to do so.
-I suppose not.
“I just met them at dinner the other night, but he’s hanging on every word. Follow every movement. I’m not sure he knew what else was going on in that room. It made me… it made me, well, it made me bitter if I’m honest. It almost hurt to see it. But, ha, that’s my thing. -Look through the window-. In any case, I give him and his big cock my vote of confidence. Trust me. I think he will come to his senses.
“But what if he doesn’t?”
Winter shrugs her shoulders and the other days they continue to look at me with wide eyes. I doubt they know what to say. Jasper is a mystery wrapped in an enigma to most people.
“Then you move on.”
You keep going.
I take a deep drink of my mimosa. It seems so simple. So easy.
So… obvious. And yet, so impossible.
If moving on from Jasper Gervais was an option, I would have done it already.
36
jasper
Willa: Hello. I’m Willa.
Jasper: Hello, Willa. I’m Jasper.
Willa: I was going to text you and ask how big your cock is, but I don’t think Cade would love that.
Jasper: I wonder why.
Willa: Instead, I thought I’d tell you that now’s your chance to *prove* how big your cock is.
Jasper: Thanks for the advice.
Willa: That wasn’t advice. It was motivation.
Willa: Besides, you’ll never do better than her. I don’t care how famous you are.
“So, she asked you if you would risk your career for a chance with her and you didn’t say anything?” Harvey looks at me over the rim of his steaming cup of coffee like I’m the stupidest thing he’s ever seen.
I went straight to Roman’s house and we called the team management to fix things. We explain everything.
“Did you tell him that?”
I look back at Harvey.
“Maybe I should have, but I wanted to go to her with a plan. Evidence. I wanted to be able to assure him that my career was safe. That we were safe.
Harvey must think my plan sucks because he says, “You’re all idiots.”
I called Sloane on Monday. He ignored the call but texted me to tell me he was out with Summer and Willa. That didn’t stop me from sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the empty house next door to be close to her.
I went to our house on Tuesday after we finished at the rink, but when I went to the front door, I saw Sloane and Winter with a six-pack of Buddyz Best beer and boxes of Chinese takeout strewn between them. They were lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, laughing uncontrollably. It seemed like a silly time to call and interrupt.
I also chickened out. I got stuck in my head and let self-hatred take over. I walked away, settling for setting my eyes on her to get a fix. I went back to sleep next door.
Today is Wednesday, and I should be in town getting ready for my game tonight, but I’m going crazy. Sloane has dinner with her father tonight, and I have a division game with two points on the line that we desperately need.
But here I am, talking to the only man I would turn to for real advice. Because, although I never met his late wife, Isabelle, I know that he was an excellent husband. He has to know a thing or two about relationships, where I know nothing. I haven’t exactly seen great examples in my life.
“I froze.” I panicked. “As I always do.”
Jasper. My name is a sad sigh on his lips.
“I try to be respectful of your wishes,” I explain.
“Son, I’m going to tell you something that I would only say to a man as good as you. He pauses and looks at my face. In this case, you are being too respectful.
Thank you for your wise words. I huff an incredulous laugh as I fall onto the couch, rubbing my face.
But every time I close my eyes, I see Sloane.
He’s dancing or carefully rubbing a clay facial on my face. Sometimes I see Sloane scaring other girls in a random bar. Other times he is swimming in a mountain lake. I see Sloane on stage.
The color of the lines on the ice? They remind me of his eyes.
When I put too much cream in my coffee the other morning? Her hair.
When do I use my favorite body soap? The way he leans towards me and draws in a big sigh.
Sloane is everywhere.
“So, have they broken up?” Family gatherings are going to be awkward now. Violet is going to kill you.
“We haven’t broken up,” I say.
Harvey raises an eyebrow as if to say, Watch your tone, idiot.
“How do you know they haven’t broken up?” Have they talked about it?
-Because…
-Or better question. How does Sloane know they haven’t broken up? Oh boy, did I even know they were together?
I groan and look at the ceiling. Anxiety swirls in my chest. I rub it as if it could relieve it, but it doesn’t help.
-Yeah. He knows.
-As?
-I don’t know. You don’t separate us just like that. We’re… I don’t know. We are bigger than that.
“I mean, if they can miss the tailed babies, I’m not sure what could really separate them.
I shake my head.
-moron.
“So you’re like…” His hand waves around. Soulmates on a break. Yes Yes. Makes sense.
Soulmates. That feels heavy. But it doesn’t feel bad.
-You love her?
I stare at Harvey, trying to figure it all out in my head as if I’ve been doing it for days.
“Of course I love her.” I have always loved her.
“Did you tell him that?”
A stone falls in my stomach.
-No.
-Why not?
I shrug noncommittally, feeling like a child being scolded.
-You know why. Now you know. Say it loud.